Terryfic

This morning I got up pretty early (for me on a Sunday, anyway) to take pictures of Terryn. They turned out gorgeous, of course. We had so much fun, we're doing another shoot on Tuesday.

So it turned out to be a relatively productive weekend after all. I did 2 loads of laundry last night, so now I've got more than enough underwear and shirts to last the rest of the semester. I haven't done any homework yet, but I've only got one assignment, and it shouldn't take too long. I didn't ever make it over to Wal-Mart, but hopefully I'll be able to go sometime this week...

Anyway, go check out the photos of Terryn on Flickr:

The Green Monster

So I might be getting a car when I go home. My parents were planning to get me one for graduation, but so far they hadn't really found anything (not that they'd exactly been looking, unless you count my dad trying to pawn off his Taurus onto me). But now my mom's found one, so it just depends on what my dad says...and hopefully he'll say yes. It's a green '98 Mustang. Cross your fingers for me!!

I've done nothing at all this weekend. Nothing productive or meaningful, anyway. I desperately need to clean my room and do some laundry and go to Wal-Mart and study and and and. It never ends, you know.

You should also maybe cross your fingers that I can get a daybed when I go home. It would save me mucho space in my bedroom.

Eight Down, Forty-two to Go...

I just finished reading The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. It started out really weird, and I wasn't sure I was going to like it. But it got better, and I must've liked it because it was over 400 pages long and took me less than a week to read. This is the problem I have with books sometimes...I'm not sure I like them, but for some reason I keep reading, and before I know it I've finished a 400-page beast within a week. That's what happened with Thunderstruck, which I'm still not sure I really liked. Some books are easier to get through than others, though...for example, I love One Hundred Years of Solitude (464 pages), but I've never been able to make it more than halfway through. Well, maybe I'll finally be able to do it this summer.

Ariane's in Baltimore this weekend, so I've got the room to myself. I spent most of today reading, napping, watching TV, and stuffing my face. It's been wonderful...

Aristotle, Stained Glass, & Heavenly Hummus

Today's been a pretty spectacular day, despite getting absolutely no sleep last night. This morning we had our presentation in Cost Accounting (over If Aristotle Ran General Motors), and I think it went pretty well. We didn't have any problem filling up the time (it had to be at least 30 minutes, and we went for 45), and overall everything just went really smoothly. Also, we got our tests back in Corporate Strategy (the one I spent 13 hours studying for), and I got a 97!! Woohoo!!

After class I went by the post office to pick up my books from Amazon, and I got a surprise...my latest order from LingGlass had arrived, too! When I got back to my room and opened up the envelope, I discovered that one of the pendants had cracked pretty badly in shipment. I was a little disappointed at first, but really...it's okay. It was the postage stamp one, so you can't really see the cracks (most of them are on the back anyway), and you can't feel them if you run your finger over the glass, so I'm not too torn up about it. It's still beautiful. As are the other two.

And of course I'm excited about my books...my Peace Corps books!! Plus a vegetarian cookbook that has a recipe for lemon walnut hummus, which just sounds like a spoonful of heaven on earth. And a couple other books, too, but I've mentioned all of this before.

The End.

Today I told him how I felt. I figured that, before I completely gave up on him, I should try being balls-to-the-walls honest and open, and if that didn't work...well, then I would give up. So I told him. His response, as I sort of expected, was lacking. So I'm giving up. Yes, I still love him with my whole heart, and that's not going to change. But from this point on, I stop hoping that someday he'll love me back. I give up any illusion that we'll stay in touch after graduation. I just let go. Of course, I'll always be there if he needs me...but he won't.

Reminders to Myself

Somewhere along the line, I forgot the rules I'd recently committed to live by.

• Take everything at face value. Don't get so caught up in wishing for more, because then you'll never be content. You've been spending all this wonderful time with someone you love with your whole heart, and every time you leave in tears? Whitney, this is not any kind of way to live your life.
• Breathe. I know you forget to do this sometimes, especially when you're crying. Which is something you've done entirely too much lately. It's not healthy. And neither is not breathing. Do you need to write it on your wrist again? Maybe you really do need a permanent reminder to breathe, as silly as that may seem.
• DO NOT GIVE IN TO SADNESS. The weather doesn't make you depressed. You're using that as a crutch. Only you have the power over your mood. Lately you've been choosing to be sad. I don't know if it's because you want people to be sorry for you, but they're obviously showing you that they really couldn't care less. And it's not because they don't care about you, so don't go feeling sorry for yourself about that. It's because you're too sad too often, and they're tired of dealing with it. You're alienating your friends. You may think you don't care because, after all, you're only going to know these people for another 4 weeks. But baby, 4 weeks is still 4 weeks, and we know how you get when you're all alone. Also, on a personal level, being sad is exhausting. Do you know how many tears you wasted this week? Nobody died. You weren't in horrible, excruciating pain. All of those tears were for nothing better than a child's temper tantrum. You were crying because you didn't get what you wanted. Baby, appreciate what you've got!
  

And something new:

• Now that you've got all of these great plans, GO FOR THEM. Don't give up before you even begin. Don't be like that. He showed you that, and even though you haven't been able to help him do the same, it doesn't mean you've failed. The only way you've failed is if you've learned this lesson and choose to ignore it. And if things don't work out the way you planned--if you don't get accepted into the Peace Corps--don't let that be the end of it. Don't shrug it off and say, "Oh well, wasn't meant to be, I'll just go back to working at Dillons." NO! DO NOT DO THIS! Look for something else. The Peace Corps isn't the only international volunteer organization. And there are tons of domestic programs too. JUST DO SOMETHING. Have an adventure. You need it. And you need to do something good for someone else because you're far too selfish. You've had such an easy life...it's time to rough it up a bit, kid.

Now go stop being depressed and take a shower and wear something pretty.

It's freezing in here, and my fingers are going numb...

Today I got my iPod shuffle. At first, I didn't think it was going to work with my computer because I was missing some component or something and couldn't install the latest version of iTunes. But thanks to Andrew, the problem has been fixed, and I'm now playing with my lovely little chunk of orange aluminum.

Tonight I'm getting DRUNK. I felt like such an alcoholic when Andrew & I went to the liquor store a few hours ago. I bought a half-gallon of rum, a half-gallon of vodka, a medium-sized bottle of Jager, and a bottle of wine. But only the wine was for myself. I probably wouldn't have even gotten anything, but they had the Red Bicyclette French rosé this time. Yay!!

Sun is in the sky, oh why oh why would I want to be anywhere else?

Today really was a wonderful day. I feel pretty good about my Cost Accounting exam, and this afternoon I had lunch (alone) at Something Brewing. After lunch I walked down to Toad Suck Square and went to That Bookstore.

The sun is shining, and the melancholia has left town.

3 Down, 4 To Go

I finished my paper a few minutes before 8 tonight. I seriously think that might be the earliest I've ever finished a paper. And it was probably the fastest, easiest paper I've ever written. Well, maybe.

So now I've just got 3 tests and a presentation left to go. Haha, I love how I'm saying that like it's nothing. I've had a couple of minor mental breakdowns already, but nothing huge. I cried a lot last night & today. It's the weather, more than anything.

On the plus side: I finally did some laundry. I think I have enough underwear to last me about a week, but as long as I've got enough to last until next Monday, I'm good. After that, I'm free as a bird until finals.

Today I bought an iPod shuffle. I've got this crazy idea that I'm actually going to hardcore get into shape this summer, so I'm spending tons of money I don't have to be well-equipped. Yesterday I ordered a pair of running shoes. Yeah, that's another one of my crazy ideas...I'm going to start jogging. WTF, right? I'm sure it won't actually happen.

Anyway, I'm subbing for Michelle tonight, so I guess I should go sit at the desk and pretend like I'm actually working. And I need to study for my Cost Accounting test.

Maybe I won't actually kill myself this week. But if I do...Laura, you can have the shuffle.

I Give Up

Yeah...I give up. On guys. On school. On everything... I'd give up on life, but I'm pretty sure that'd piss some people off.

I'm just really tired and I don't think I know how to do it anymore.

Kill Me Now, plz

Our presentation didn't go so well this morning. But I love how Anne totally got out of doing it with us by telling Dr. Oxner that she had a sore throat and needed to save her voice for the choir performance this weekend. I mean, I'm sure she's sick, but it just seems a little shady considering that she didn't have anything to say about the project anyway since she didn't bother to show up for any of our group meetings all semester.

I'm not in a very good mood today because I'm really tired. And it's only Monday. I have *no idea* how I'm going to make it through this entire week without having a nervous breakdown at some point.

Yuck.

Guys

Yeah, I'm pretty much ready to give up on them altogether. I've given up on Andrew. There's another guy I kind of like, but I don't think he likes me, and if he knew I liked him I think things would be kind of weird because I see him everyday. It's one of those cases where "no guts, no glory" is very much outweighed by my desire to graduate.

Reading List

Consumed:
2007: In Books
Dance for Two by Alan Lightman
The Grass Harp by Truman Capote
The Gun Seller by Hugh Laurie
Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger
The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
The Dark Lantern by Gerri Brightwell
Wicked by Gregory Maguire
The Monster of Florence by Douglas Preston, with Mario Spezi

In Progress:
The Invention of Everything Else by Samantha Hunt

Patiently Waiting to be Read:
Banishing Verona by Margot Livesey
The Blackest Bird by Joel Rose
The Gentle Axe by R.N. Morris
The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova
Down and Out in Paris and London by George Orwell
The Complete Stories of Truman Capote by Truman Capote
If Harry Potter Ran General Electric by Tom Morris
Wish by Melina Gerosa Bellows
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Life of Pi by Yann Martel
Vintage Hughes by Langston Hughes
Living Poor: A Peace Corps Chronicle by Moritz Thomsen
The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan
No More Bull! by Howard F. Lyman
Milkrun by Sarah Mlynowski
House of Sand and Fog by Andre Dubus III
A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray
Love Walked In by Marisa de los Santos
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
Holy Cow: An Indian Adventure by Sarah Macdonald
The Brooklyn Follies by Paul Auster
The Double Bind by Chris Bohjalian
Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe
Eye Contact by Cammie McGovern
The Color of a Dog Running Away by Richard Gwyn
Heyday by Kurt Andersen
Stuart: A Life Backwards by Alexander Masters
Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions by Edwin A. Abbott
The Planets by Dava Sobel
The Geographer's Library by Jon Fasman
Satan's Circus by Mike Dash
The Chess Machine by Robert Lohr
Ghost: A Novel by Alan Lightman
Persuasion by Jane Austen
The Fourth Bear by Jasper Fforde
Fire Bell in the Night by Geoffrey Edwards
Pilgrims by Elizabeth Gilbert
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
Son of a Witch by Greg Maguire
Living, Studying, and Working in Italy by Monica Larner & Travis Neighbor Ward
The Host by Stephenie Meyer

Book Worm

Last night I bought books. This morning I ordered more online. I don't know why, but lately I've been amassing more books than I can possibly read. I think it's a sign that I'm turning into my mother. Also, if I'm going to do the 50 Book Challenge, I should probably have 50 books. Or something like that.

I finished reading Thunderstruck last night. Definitely not as good as The Devil in the White City, but it was good. The last several chapters went by much faster than the rest of the book. I've started reading Eat, Pray, Love, a memoir/travelogue about "one woman's search for everything across Italy, India, and Indonesia." It's really good so far...her writing style reminds me a lot of my own, so of course I'm enjoying it. At Hastings last night, I also bought The Blackest Bird ("a novel of murder in nineteenth-century New York"), The Gentle Axe ("a spellbinding historical crime novel" set in 19th-century Russia), and Down and Out in Paris and London (Orwell's novel about poverty & society), plus a book of sudoku, a bookmark, and World Stompers (an international travel guide, a present for Ariane). Today on Amazon, I ordered my own copy of World Stompers, Tokyo Cancelled (a book of interconnected short stories that I've been wanting to read for a couple of years but could never find in bookstores), Living Poor (a 40-something farmer's account of serving in the Peace Corps), So You Want to Join the Peace Corps: What to Know Before You Go (a Q&A-type book about the Peace Corps), and Fresh Food Fast (a vegetarian cookbook that I was looking at last night at Hastings but was significantly cheaper on Amazon).

Wow, so that was a whole lot of links... Anyway, I've been kind of lazy this weekend. Yesterday I got a good bit of our Power Point presentation done for Corporate Strategy (the presentation is tomorrow), but I'm not planning to do any more until Adam gets back & we can work on it together. I should start working on my paper for that (due Wednesday), but again...I want to wait for Adam to get back so we can work on it together. I also desperately need to do laundry. But what am I going to do? Well, I think I might go lock myself in a study carrel in the library and start reading through the chapters of my Money, Banking, & Credit book (test on Thursday). YUCK. But if I spread it out over the next few days, it won't be bad. And those chapters aren't long or hard to read.

My Lame Last Night

Yesterday was awful. Cold and gray. I cried a lot, and over the stupidest things. I put 13 hours into studying for that test, and I still didn't feel completely ready for it. Now I know what test anxiety feels like...it was horrible. I'm sure I did just fine, but at the time I was absolutely freaking out. I was exhausted yesterday, and I should've gone straight to bed after the test, but I didn't. I came back to my room and read for a while. Then Andrew called and asked if I wanted to go to the liquor store with him, so I did. I bought a bottle of super cheap sangria just because it was in a super-'70s bottle and also a bottle of blackberry wine. I had dinner alone and started drinking alone. It was pretty pathetic...I cried... Since I was in a crying mood, I decided to watch House of Sand and Fog, and I'm not gonna lie...in the movie when Kathy was attempting suicide, I was thinking she had the right idea... I do that a lot, though. I don't think I'd ever actually go through with it, but you might be surprised how often I think about it. Anyway, I fell asleep before the movie ended (and missed my favorite part). I think I slept for about 2 hours. I watched Numbers and drank some more sangria (this time with Ariane, who was drinking apple Puckers from a flask) and got drunk again. I wasn't really sad anymore when I woke up from my nap, though. I thought Andrew & I were gonna hang out when he got back from seeing some movie with Robin & Shawn, but when he called he was just like, "okay, I'll see ya later." And he wasn't the only one who said that to me last night. Patrick was the first one I called, but he said no like always. And Laura had to work until 11, at which point she went to hang out with her brother. So I read until about 1, and then I went to bed.

Last night was really lame. I'm going to be so ridiculously busy for the next week and a half, and I took one night off. One night. And I get ditched by everyone. Thanks, guys.

Anyway...no more whining. Time to take a shower & go to the library. Hopefully we'll get a lot done this afternoon. And I really need to do laundry sometime today.

You Seem Fine, But I Feel Blue...

I know you'll never read this.

At least, I hope you don't.

I really liked you. It started as a crush, but then it exploded into way more. We were having so much fun together, and I was really enjoying getting to know you. I thought maybe you liked me too. I told you I liked you, but you just wanted to be friends. I was a little crushed, but I rebounded over spring break, and I was fine.

After spring break, we started hanging out again. We went on a date. I don't know if it was the conversation we had that night, or maybe what happened, or what...I don't know. But something made me change my mind about you and made the things that happened okay. I didn't like you anymore. I still wanted to be your friend, but I didn't see you as different anymore. You were just the same as every other guy who's treated me like crap. So I was feeling pretty emotionally detached from the situation, and everything was fine. Maybe a little awkward, but mostly fine.

Then this week happened. And now I'm confused about you. I don't want to just wash over the fact that for a few days I saw you as just another guy...I think I should hold on to that instinct because it's probably the only thing saving me from behaving in true Whitney style about this whole thing. The only thing saving me from getting hurt again. But at the same time...I really enjoy being around you. Just being in the same room with you. That's weird, isn't it? And you constantly surprise me. The things you've done. The places you've gone. The things you want to do.

I don't know what to do. I know you don't feel the same way. Even if you did, I don't think you'd ever tell me. Even if you did tell me, you don't want a relationship. Even if you did want a relationship, we're graduating in 5 weeks and going in completely opposite directions. Trying to be with you is like diving head-first into a tidal wave.

I wish I could get inside your head. Or maybe your heart. I want to know what you're thinking about when you make those faces at me. I want to know how you feel about last Friday. I want to know what you want from me because I don't know how to act around you anymore.

Study Machine!

When all is said & done, I will have put over 12 hours into prepping for my Corporate Strategy test tomorrow. Does that test merit that much effort? Probably not. But gosh darnit, I'm gonna get an A on that thing. And if I don't? I'm gonna cut a bitch.

Today I started working on my application for the Peace Corps. I think it'll be a really good opportunity to get away and figure out my life. Not to mention get some great experience so I can actually feel kinda good about my chances applying to sail on a Greenpeace ship.

Well, I should seriously get to bed. I'm getting up at 6:45 in the morning to go study with Adam in the Burrow before class. And this is just the beginning, too. Here's the next week and a half of my life:

Friday, April 6th: Test in Corporate Strategy
Monday, April 9th: Presentation in Corporate Strategy
Wednesday, April 11th: 5-page paper due in Corporate Strategy, Test in Cost Accounting
Thursday, April 12th: Test in Money, Banking, & Credit
Friday, April 13th: Test in Financial Management
Monday, April 16th: Presentation in Cost Accounting

Yeah, if I don't kill myself before then, I'm pretty sure the stress will finish me off. I'm living in the library for the next 10 days (seriously, I spent NINE HOURS there today).

Retail Therapy

Man, I was in the worst mood ever this morning. And now? Not so much. I skipped class & went shopping this afternoon...it was wonderful. Things I bought:

• a lovely little smocked dress
• black flip-flops
• a t-shirt for Max
• a collar for Max
• a little sweater shrug
• a black headscarf with white polka-dots
• a frame for my lamb photo
• Children of Men on DVD
• a pretty little mug
  

Fun stuff. Plus I bought groceries this morning. Yay for giant strawberries, organic black beans, and multigrain bagels!!

Lovely Lovely

Today's been a pretty good day so far. I got TWO packages in the mail! My photos (all 8 million of them) and my lovely, lovely glass pendants from Singapore. Seriously, check out this lady's shop on Etsy...beautiful, hand-made, one-of-a-kind pieces. The two pendants I bought are even more lovely in person. I'll definitely be buying more in the future.

FYI: A week from Wednesday I will probably be dead. So get your goodbyes in while you can.

Disappearing...

This has been a hell of a weekend. I slept for about 10 straight hours last night...and while this hasn't been a particularly bad weekend, the sleeping for 10 hours was definitely the highlight.

Graduation is so close. Only 6 weeks. Once I go back home, I won't have the internet. Not too many people here have my cell phone number (although it's on Facebook), so I feel like I'm truly leaving it all behind when I leave. I'm not really expecting to stay in touch with very many people. Maybe one or two. Maybe none.

So at this point, I really feel like I've got nothing to lose. Why not get drunk and do something stupid and change a friendship forever? That's probably pretty close to what I was thinking Friday night. My relationship with that person had an expiration date 6 weeks from now anyway.

I can't find words to describe how ready I am to be away from here. Not that I really want to go back home. If I thought I were capable of it, I think I'd just disappear. Pack the few things that really mean a lot to me and just go away. I don't think I'd tell anybody where I was going until I got there. Mostly because I don't think I'd even know. And once I did figure out where I was going to end up, I'd tell a few family members, but that's probably it.

I have these moments when I feel so confused. So overwhelmed. And I'd like to just sit down and figure it all out, get to this point of absolute clarity. But I'm constantly being interrupted by life. But maybe if I could get away from it all, just for a year...maybe I could figure things out.

It's appealing. Just leaving. Going somewhere new. Starting over from scratch. I thought I had that opportunity when I came to college, but this place was a distraction. And the trips home were interruptions.

I get dizzy a lot.