Study Machine!

When all is said & done, I will have put over 12 hours into prepping for my Corporate Strategy test tomorrow. Does that test merit that much effort? Probably not. But gosh darnit, I'm gonna get an A on that thing. And if I don't? I'm gonna cut a bitch.

Today I started working on my application for the Peace Corps. I think it'll be a really good opportunity to get away and figure out my life. Not to mention get some great experience so I can actually feel kinda good about my chances applying to sail on a Greenpeace ship.

Well, I should seriously get to bed. I'm getting up at 6:45 in the morning to go study with Adam in the Burrow before class. And this is just the beginning, too. Here's the next week and a half of my life:

Friday, April 6th: Test in Corporate Strategy
Monday, April 9th: Presentation in Corporate Strategy
Wednesday, April 11th: 5-page paper due in Corporate Strategy, Test in Cost Accounting
Thursday, April 12th: Test in Money, Banking, & Credit
Friday, April 13th: Test in Financial Management
Monday, April 16th: Presentation in Cost Accounting

Yeah, if I don't kill myself before then, I'm pretty sure the stress will finish me off. I'm living in the library for the next 10 days (seriously, I spent NINE HOURS there today).

Retail Therapy

Man, I was in the worst mood ever this morning. And now? Not so much. I skipped class & went shopping this afternoon...it was wonderful. Things I bought:

• a lovely little smocked dress
• black flip-flops
• a t-shirt for Max
• a collar for Max
• a little sweater shrug
• a black headscarf with white polka-dots
• a frame for my lamb photo
• Children of Men on DVD
• a pretty little mug
  

Fun stuff. Plus I bought groceries this morning. Yay for giant strawberries, organic black beans, and multigrain bagels!!

Lovely Lovely

Today's been a pretty good day so far. I got TWO packages in the mail! My photos (all 8 million of them) and my lovely, lovely glass pendants from Singapore. Seriously, check out this lady's shop on Etsy...beautiful, hand-made, one-of-a-kind pieces. The two pendants I bought are even more lovely in person. I'll definitely be buying more in the future.

FYI: A week from Wednesday I will probably be dead. So get your goodbyes in while you can.

Disappearing...

This has been a hell of a weekend. I slept for about 10 straight hours last night...and while this hasn't been a particularly bad weekend, the sleeping for 10 hours was definitely the highlight.

Graduation is so close. Only 6 weeks. Once I go back home, I won't have the internet. Not too many people here have my cell phone number (although it's on Facebook), so I feel like I'm truly leaving it all behind when I leave. I'm not really expecting to stay in touch with very many people. Maybe one or two. Maybe none.

So at this point, I really feel like I've got nothing to lose. Why not get drunk and do something stupid and change a friendship forever? That's probably pretty close to what I was thinking Friday night. My relationship with that person had an expiration date 6 weeks from now anyway.

I can't find words to describe how ready I am to be away from here. Not that I really want to go back home. If I thought I were capable of it, I think I'd just disappear. Pack the few things that really mean a lot to me and just go away. I don't think I'd tell anybody where I was going until I got there. Mostly because I don't think I'd even know. And once I did figure out where I was going to end up, I'd tell a few family members, but that's probably it.

I have these moments when I feel so confused. So overwhelmed. And I'd like to just sit down and figure it all out, get to this point of absolute clarity. But I'm constantly being interrupted by life. But maybe if I could get away from it all, just for a year...maybe I could figure things out.

It's appealing. Just leaving. Going somewhere new. Starting over from scratch. I thought I had that opportunity when I came to college, but this place was a distraction. And the trips home were interruptions.

I get dizzy a lot.

Men: Of Stars and Flowers

Today I realized something very disappointing...and I suppose it's not that I've just now discovered it, but maybe that I've finally found a way to put it into words.

I know so many girls who are beautiful, intelligent, interesting, sweet...everything you'd think a man could ever want in a woman. Loyal. Low-maintenance. Real. But they're constantly being passed over by guys our age. Because the men we know are too busy (wet)dreaming about the "pretty" girls.

They're fixated on stars. Beautiful, sparkling stars. From millions and billions of miles away, they inspire men to foolishly abandon the real world in their pursuit.

But the funny thing about stars is that, while lovely at a distance, up close they're just giant balls of volatile gases, and they eventually lose their luster and burn out.

Meanwhile, we flowers, budding and blossoming and becoming ever sweeter and more beautiful, are trampled underfoot in the pursuit of stars.

Eventually some men give up on stars and settle for flowers. And while they're happy with their flowers, they still look in awe upon the stars. Some men get too close to stars and find themselves burned in the process...these are the ones who give up on love and carelessly step on flowers to filter out their pain.

Just sayin'.

Go With the Flow

FYI: I hate going with the flow. It's very much against my ridiculously impatient nature.

Yesterday I started reading The Alchemist, and I finished it this evening. I'm still not really sure how I feel about it. I want to like it. I feel like I did like it. But I don't feel deeply and profoundly changed by it. I already listen to my heart. I already look for signs. I haven't found my Personal Legend or anything, but I sort of think that's just a bunch of hooey anyway. Anyway, now I've started reading Erik Larson's Thunderstruck, which isn't quite as good as The Devil in the White City (at least so far...but hey, I'm only on page 26), but I think I'll like it anyway.

I spent a good chunk of tonight singing horrible karaoke in Laura's apartment, wondering whether or not I got asked out on a date, and not doing a bit of homework.

My Wednesday Thus Far

I know it's a little late in the game to be starting, but I think I'm gonna try out that 50 Book Challenge thing. I know I'll be lucky to get through half that many books by the end of the year, especially considering my predilection for ridiculously long books (The Devil in the White City was almost 400 pages, and The Historian, which I'm starting tonight, is 676...not to mention I'll be reading the 7th Harry Potter installment, a whopping 784 pages, this summer). But at least this gives me a goal. And speaking of Harry Potter, oh my jeez, Tom Morris (author of If Aristotle Ran General Motors, a book I had to read for class & ended up falling in love with) apparently has a book called If Harry Potter Ran General Electric. Oh my dears, I must read this book. Like now. And by now I mean sometime this summer, perhaps.

This afternoon I got to play with a basset hound/labrador mix. Now I smell like the delectable combination of perfume and puppy.

Today I had an overwhelming urge to paint an umbrella. Unfortunately, I don't so much have a good piece of wood on which to paint this parapluie, so it'll have to wait until I can get to Hobby Lobby. I'm firmly convinced that Corporate Strategy is only good for inspiring me to paint.

P.S. I finished reading Perfume, and now I've decided that I absolutely have to see this movie. I have to know if they end it the way the book ends.

Sleepytime.

KT Tunstall, you are my new addiction.

I'm almost done reading Perfume, a crazy book about a crazy guy who makes perfume out of dead girls. It's really good. I think, when I finish this, I'm going to start reading The Historian. Or maybe Thunderstruck. I really don't know. Maybe I should pick a book that doesn't have so much to do with murder, like The Alchemist or The Time Traveler's Wife.

Today I watched Aladdin and took a 2-hour nap. And now I'm going to bed. Before midnight, yo.

My Weekend

Today I walked a lot. And ate eel. And got a tan (yeah, that's right, no burn for me). And did my homework. Wtf, right? It was a great day full of things I never do.

This whole weekend was pretty good, actually. I got a lot done. Except that I still haven't unpacked. Oops...

Flower Girl

Yesterday I took a ton of photos of Ariane. See the rest at Flickr.

I Bleed Acrylic Paint

Yesterday I painted. A lot. Today I painted a lot more. I also got a wood-burning tool and a book about pyrography this morning, so now I'm teaching myself how to do that. It's not easy at all! I burned myself already. I did 2 pieces with the wood-burning tool, a bee and then a sunflower. The sunflower shows improvement over the bee, so that's a good sign. Here are the three pieces I finished yesterday:

Creative Juice

It's my favorite kind of juice, fyi.

Having a wonderful morning, despite staying up painting until 3 AM, thus only getting about 5 hours of sleep. Went out to breakfast with my dear lovely friends, then Laura & I went to Hobby Lobby so I could get more painting stuff. And guess what? I bought a book about woodburning and a woodburning tool. Sooooo...I'm just gonna do it. I'm gonna teach myself how to woodburn. I think it'll give my paintings a lot more depth. Plus it's just that fucking cool.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna open up a shop on Etsy in the near future.

Suddenly I See

Last night I bought a couple of lovely pieces of jewelry on a lovely lady's Etsy shop, LingGlass. I got the serenity teardrop pendant and the New Zealand postage stamp pendant. Hand-made, one-of-a-kind, and dirt cheap considering the craftsmanship put into each one. I'm so psyched!

This morning I created a new blog, Down the Rabbit Hole. It's mostly a place for me to blog about my quasi-vegetarian ways. And to rant about being eco-friendly.

I'm feeling very creative today. I'm hoping to make it over to Hobby Lobby this afternoon to buy some paint and canvases. I want to paint a chicken. And sunflowers. I'm not really sure why.

KT Tunstall, I ♥ you.

Bunny Food

I think I'm gradually becoming a vegetarian. I don't know that I'll ever completely give up meat, mostly because I don't really like a lot of the vegetarian options at most restaurants. I'm not a big fan of restaurants in general, though, so I don't normally eat out more than once or twice a month. And lately when I've been eating out, I usually end up ordering giant salads that have a little meat in them. I've been trying out a lot of different meat substitutes...so far I like fake sausage, fake bacon, and fake ground beef. I'm not a big fan of the fake chicken nuggets, though. I bought some fake bratwurst, but I haven't tried it yet...maybe I'll have that for dinner tonight.

Last night I finished reading The Devil in the White City, which I'd only started reading on Thursday. It was incredible! I didn't want it to end.

I've got a test in an hour. I haven't studied much. Oops.

"How Can I Be Sure of You"--Harry Nilsson

The other day a friend of mine said, he said the sun's not really yellow. He said, he said the sun is really red. I said my friend, what do you mean? You read that in some magazine. Next thing you'll say the earth's not green. How can I be sure of you anymore? In a world that's always changing, rearranging. Always changing, changing. I said my friend, how do you do? And what you're saying isn't true. Next thing you'll say the earth is blue. He said my friend, you're in a dream, and things are never what they seem. No, things are never what they seem. How can I be sure of you anymore? In a world that's always changing, rearranging. Always changing, changing, changing...

The world feels like that sometimes. Like the truth is absolutely subjective, or at best elective.

She Said, She Said

You say I give my heart away too easily. I say I throw my whole heart into something, and I don't think it's a bad thing. You say I'm too trusting. I say it's better than being cynical. You say guys like bitchy girls. I say I shouldn't have to change who I am to get a boyfriend. Maybe I get hurt too easily. Maybe I'm an "easy target." I think these are just unfortunate consequences of my personality, and that's something I'm willing to live with.

I'm not completely naive. I know that people lie. I know that people take advantage of me. I know that kindness isn't always repaid, and I don't expect it to be. But I don't think I should have to change to fit the glum world we live in, because becoming cold and bitter doesn't make the world better. It only makes it gloomier. It only gives people another reason to be cynical. What the hell is wrong with wanting to rise above that and be happy and honestly try to love people and look for the good in everyone?

There's nothing wrong with that.

Calm Before the Storm

It's lovely outside today. That calm-before-the-storm feeling. The air is nice and cool, with a bit of a sticky undertone. Colors and smells are intensified. The grass is so green, the flowers smell so sweet.

I'm downloading the soundtrack to A Good Year, which I watched over spring break. Amazing movie, and so far an amazing soundtrack. Several French songs, which makes my ears happy.

I like wearing linen.

Spring Blur

Breakfast at Something Brewing. Road trip. Sweet text messages. Drunken fun. Walking around the park. Feeding bloated ducks and geese. Meeting the perfect guy. Making a date. More sweet messages. Sushi and ice cream. Jello shots and more drunken fun. Haircut. Zoo. Being headbutted by a goat. Petting the softest lamb. Being attacked by swans and gorillas. Watching a duck get gang raped. Another road trip. Downtown Lawrence. Beer and smoke. The Big Dipper. Eye doctor. Seeing my dad. Giving out my phone number. Great Plains Nature Center. Watercolors and handmade jewelry. World Market. Provencal Sorbet and China Pear. Text message breakup. Upset, confusion, lots of money spent. More sushi. Wet dog. Pounding nails into the wall with a giant hammer. More Jello shots. Saying goodbye. New clothes, new underwear. Hurtful words. Spending the night crying. Trying to get anyone on the phone. Getting up early. More shopping. Picture frames, a painting, some books, spices. Honeysuckle and Indian jewels. Taco salad. Snowy white cotton fields. Rain. Drunken messages. A scandalous invitation. An awkward introduction. Hot, steamy love. Premonition. Finding out that the perfect guy was not so perfect afterall. Jeopardy, the NCAA tournament, and the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Country Italian. Bronze statues. Old memories tied up in even older houses. A night alone. Laundry. Gardenias. Packing. The final road trip. Hotel sheets. Architects and serial killers. Breakfast at Something Brewing.

Homeward Bound

Well, I'm about to check out of the building, and tomorrow morning I'm leaving for Wichita. I'll be back next Sunday. I don't have the internet at home, so if you need to reach me, you'll have to call me. If you don't have my number, it's on Facebook. If you don't have my number and you're not friends with me on Facebook, you're probably a sketch ass mother fucker and would you please go away? Uh...*awkward turtle*...alright, have a great week everybody!!

Breathe

Eco-Responsibility

So I found some canvas bags online today. I bought 2 of them. They were kinda pricey (15 bucks a pop), but they'll last forever and it's just one more small way in which I can be a part of the solution. Anyway, I got them at a CafePress store that I found through a MySpace profile, and I really like them.

Kermit had it all wrong...it's really not that hard to be green!

I know I say this all the time, but I really love going to the grocery store. Today I bought lots of organic stuff and whole wheat pasta and fake sausage. I felt healthy and earth-friendly. I really want to get some canvas bags to take with me in the future, since I usually just buy a few things at a time. I haven't been throwing away the plastic bags, but I'm getting quite a collection and wish I didn't have so many.

So how much fun would it be to get paid to sail on a Greenpeace ship? Too bad I don't have any "maritime experience."

Daddy's Girl

I ♥ my daddy. I just made a date with him for sometime next week. We're gonna go out to Sierra Hills, an executive course, to play a round of golf some afternoon when the weather's nice. Yesssss. I love Sierra Hills. It's definitely one of my top 3 courses to play (along with Pretty Prairie and Hesston). I'm sure I'll probably suck it up out there...I think it's been almost 2 years since I've played. Although, I usually do my best when I haven't played in a while.

I love fresh air.

Morning Glory

This morning was wonderful. I love waking up earlier than I need to. I mean, yeah, I'd like to get some extra sleep...but I love mornings. I love going to Something Brewing in the morning. Today I went with Laura and Andy and had breakfast on the deck outside. Beautiful morning. They're still doing maintenance on the train tracks, so we there was a nice musical backdrop of those clanging bells as the gates went up and down. We sat around and talked about what we want to do after graduation. I've got a couple of different things in mind:

• find an organization that helps the homeless (like an advocacy group, maybe)
• work for a non-profit that helps low-income families find housing (like Habitat for Humanity)
• work for a company that produces alternative energy (like an ethanol producer or a wind farm)

I just feel like I need to do something meaningful. Even if I end up stuck in the accounting department at one of these places, at least I'm part of a team that's part of the solution.

So...true story: I'm back to being happy. There was a week or so there when I wasn't so happy, but I'm back on top of things. Still homesick, though. I've been writing love letters to my dog...

Wouldn't it be loverly?

Tonight I went out to dinner with Laura and Keisha. I hadn't seen Keisha in a few months, so that was a nice treat. :) Afterwards, we went to Hastings so Laura could rent Stranger Than Fiction, and I ended up buying My Fair Lady and West Side Story. Yeah, I'm such a badass...I spent my tattoo money on freaking musicals. But that's okay...I've decided not to get the tattoo until the last week of March, when Keisha's on spring break (because she wants to come watch).

Today was a better day...I'm still annoyed about a few things, but for the most part I'm trying to just let the small stuff slide.

Blah blah blah

Tonight I cooked for myself for the first time in a really long time. Lately it seems like whenever I cook, I'm cooking for a crowd. And then when it's time to cook for myself, I don't wanna put out so much effort, so I just nuke something in the microwave. But tonight I made some fish and garlic potatoes. Sooooo yummy. And I didn't have to worry about making sure it tasted good to everyone else.

I hope this week goes by really fast.

Dear Max,

I miss you terribly. I'm trying to get started on my work, but I'm so easily distracted by your beautiful pictures. That little nose! Those bushy eyebrows! It's possible that I love you so much because I can't remember how bad you smell. But of course, I loved you even when I could smell you. It makes me want to cry when Mom tells me that you stare at my photo all the time. Sometimes I wonder if we're staring at each other's photos at the same time.

I'm glad you like the clothes I send you. I'm bringing you a present when I come home, a little blue and yellow polo. The collar is backwards, which is something I wish I'd noticed before I bought it. Before I come home, I'll download "Fergalicious" and put it on a CD so we can dance like we used to. And I'll help you pop it again.

I want to take you for a walk when I get home, but you're so bad on the leash. Of course, now that you've gained a little weight, maybe your collar won't be so loose and I won't have to worry about you slipping out of it. Although Xena gets awfully sad when we go for walks without her.

I miss our play fights. I miss you nuzzling my neck. I miss you falling asleep in my lap. Mostly I miss your face and your warm little body. I promise I'll give you a bath and make you some more of those peanut butter bones when I come home. And maybe a batch of those baby food cookies...I think I've got some beef-flavored stuff in the cupboard. They look like dog shit and smell even worse, but I know how much you love them.

I'll be home in less than a week, baby boy.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

That's a philosophy I'm currently having some trouble living by. I feel like people take advantage of me being a nice person...they think they can use my stuff and I'll be cool with it, but I'm not. If I lend you something of mine, don't just go letting someone else borrow it without asking me. I mean, it's not a big deal, but I really hope I get that DVD back before spring break because I was planning to take it home. And if you're going to use my blow dryer, it'd be really nice if you didn't break it. And if you knew you broke it, tell me. Don't just put it back. If I'd known it wasn't working, I'd have bought a new one when I was out running errands. And stop making such a huge mess in the bathroom. Or at least clean it up. I barely have room to brush my teeth, let alone do my hair. Oh wait, I can't do that anyway because my blow dryer is broken.

And as for you...I'm not calling you anymore. I'm not inviting you to do stuff anymore. I know you're busy, and that's probably why you keep saying no, but the thing is...everytime you say no, it reminds me that you rejected me and it feels like it's happening all over again, and I just get upset. As stupid as that may be, that's just the way it's gonna be for a while. Maybe I'll feel better about the situation after I've had a chance to rebound over the break.

And finally you...what happened to you this past week? Getting your heart broken and having a cold doesn't give you an excuse to have a free-for-all. Quit throwing yourself a pity-party and get back to work. It's the only way you'll survive this week.

How you make me feel...

Fools rush in
Where wise men never go
But wise men never fall in love
So how are they to know?
When we met,
I felt my life begin
So open up your heart and let
This fool rush in

Living the High Life

Today I made it to class for the first time since last Thursday. I'm also pretty sure I failed my FinMan test. And I have to do an entire case for CorpStrat tomorrow (including reading the dang thing). Oops.

Life's still pretty good. I bought some new watercolors yesterday, and today I spent over an hour playing around with them. Tomorrow night I'm making lasagna for the first time...and using soy ground beef substitute and a different brand of noodles...I'm a little concerned that it's not gonna turn out quite right, but we'll see. Since I have to use the whole package of the ground beef substitute, I have to make a big pan of the lasagna, so we've invited a ton of people over for dinner. So...yeah...I really hope it turns out...

I'll just leave you with this:

ATTN: Men of the World

Alright guys, fyi: When a girl says she likes you, PLEASE don't respond with something that could be mistaken for "I like you too" if you don't actually like her. Because false hope really sucks. And the puffy eyes stick with you for several hours after you've stopped crying, making it really hard to look amazing and make the guy feel like an ass for turning you down.

Sucking the Marrow out of Life Since 2007

I watched Dead Poets Society last night, so I'm in a very "carpe diem" mood right now. So I'm just gonna tell him. I'm not sure when...probably the next time we hang out. But yeah...I'm gonna tell him that I like him. Why not? It's like Ariane said...even if I get hurt, embrace the pain because it's real. It's a feeling. It's a sign that you're really living.

Anyway, I'm sick. Really sick. Like, coughing up bits of vital organs sick. I'm going to see the nurse this afternoon, and hopefully she'll prescribe me some lovely drugs.

Sneezy McSneezerson

Having a great day. Actually not sleepy, in spite of not getting much this weekend. Walked to Something Brewing with Ariane this afternoon...temporarily cleared out my sinuses, nursed my coffee addiction, and supported small business all in one fell swoop!

I miss somebody. And I'm confused about somebody else. Last night I was told that I'm a really hard person to like, which made me cry considering the context of the conversation and the person who said it. Well, and just the fact that it was said... I'm hypersensitive about that kind of stuff...I want everyone to like me. Maybe it's because I'm not mean to people for no reason, but I don't understand why someone would say something like that to me, completely unprovoked.

Later this week I'm going to try making lasagna with a ground beef substitute.

P.S. When I blow my nose, I sound like the lovechild of a goose and an elephant.

Death & Dying

So what's the thing to do when you've got the flu? Oh, that's right...get up at 6:30 in the morning. I couldn't breathe, and I kept waking up every 30 minutes or so to blow my nose, and I'm pretty sure it was starting to piss off my roommate. So I've been hanging out in the common room most of the morning...talking to my mom and reading The Jungle Book. I'd really like to watch one of the 6 DVDs I got yesterday, but, ya know, it's 10 a.m. and she's still sleeping...

In theory, I should be studying for that test I need to make up.

TMI alert: I've started coughing some shit up. It's really nasty. But the good thing, according to my mother, is that this means it's all breaking up, and I should be over it soon. In the meantime, it huuuuurts. Like my chest still hurts from coughing half an hour ago. Not to mention I get light-headed everytime I blow my nose, and the skin around my nose is really red and raw from blowing it so much. Yuck.

Sick as a Dog, but Feeling Strangely Fine

And I just keep getting sicker.

But it's been a good weekend. I guess it's really been a 3-day weekend because I skipped my classes on Friday (including my test, which my professor is letting me make up later). And after work Thursday night, I ended up going over to Andrew's apartment for a drink. Last night I ended up drunk in Laura's apartment, with a fever, crying my eyes out because I ran out of tissues and my nose was hurting from blowing it on cheap toilet paper.

Today Laura & I went to Target so I could buy some more tissues, and I ended up buying 6 movies. Yes, six. And there were 4 more I had to convince myself not to buy. I got The Prestige, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Dead Poets Society, Matilda, 12 Angry Men, and Under the Tuscan Sun. The ones I almost bought were The Virgin Suicides, When Harry Met Sally, Aladdin, and Man of the Year. Because what do you do when you're sick? You watch movies...

I ate fake meat for dinner. It was actually really good... I don't think I'm going to become a vegetarian, but I think I'm going to start incorporating more substitutes into my diet. It's not really the animal cruelty that gets me, though...I mean, yes, that stuff is horrible, but I've known about it for a long time and it's never been enough to convince me to stop eating meat. But the chemicals do...they really worry me. I've got cancer on both sides of my family medical history, and pumping my body full of that stuff kind of scares me. Anyway...

Ugh

I feel awwwwwwwwwwwwful. And I haven't studied for my Corporate Strategy test yet. Oops...

I made dinner for Laura, Andrew, Ariane, and myself tonight. Parmesan-garlic breaded flounder, mac & cheese, and oven fries. And cinnamon bites for dessert. Yummmmm. It was stressful, though...I forgot that I needed to thaw the fish. I'm pretty sure I probably gave my friends food poisoning.

So I don't know if it's because I feel like crap or because it was just a really emotional episode (I hate admitting that I'm attached to fake people), but I could not stop crying during "Grey's Anatomy" tonight. It was ridiculous.

Going to work doesn't sound like so much fun tonight. I'd rather stay snuggled up in my pink blanket and go to bed early. I'm definitely skipping classes tomorrow (except for Corporate Strategy, because I have to take that test).

Alright...time for work...

Post #153

So I've decided that if I do get a tattoo, it's going to be the word "breathe" on my wrist. I've got it written there in permanent marker right now...I just wanna walk around with it for a few days. Get used to the idea of it being there forever. Right now I really like it...it looks beautiful.

Ariane and I were talking about this last night...I started this semester with the worst attitude in the world. I just knew it was going to be a bad semester. And it was pretty bad for a while. But this has been the best week of my life...I'm happy. Really, really happy. I feel free. I feel good about myself. I feel like I can do anything. It's amazing how quickly life can turn around.

I woke up with a cold this morning. I'm pretty sure it's just allergies, since we've been leaving the windows open 24/7. Hopefully it'll go away soon...I'm gonna buy some medicine when Laura & I go to Kroger this afternoon.

Tattoo

So I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. I'd like to get this tree of life design (without the border), about an inch in diameter on my left wrist. That, or the word "breathe" (to remind myself to just take life one moment at a time, and don't worry too much about the past or the future...just breathe).

Study Break

I just gave blood.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo.

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE!!

Mardi Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!

I'm drunk.

I like a boy.

These are things which normally do not go together.

However, God has seen fit to make sure I don't screw up a friendship, so I did not happen to see said boy while in this state of intoxication.

Um, yes. Okay. GOODNIGHT!!

Happiness Is

Another beautiful day, another beautiful mood.

Last night, Ariane & I stayed up until 2 a.m. talking. Talking about love and life and passion and beauty. I realized a lot of things last night. I realized that I'm sick of these schmucks I've been dating, who don't do anything, don't think anything, don't feel anything. I'd rather go through life alone, feeling and experiencing everything I can, than to be in a boring relationship where I'm not being challenged or stimulated.

I also realized that I need to forget about my past, especially 2006. I need to stop using that as a crutch. Yes, bad things happened to me, but if I don't get over it then I'm never going to let myself be happy. Working jobs a monkey could do isn't going to make me happy, so right now my plan for after graduation really sucks. Yes, I need money, but I'm also intelligent, creative, and hard-working. And I have a passion for helping people. So I'm not really sure what I'm going to do now, but it needs to be something important. It needs to be something meaningful.

Anyway, today has been a great day. After class, I took a walk down to Something Brewing and got some coffee. The coffee was good, but mostly I just wanted to walk and enjoy the sun and the wind and the smell of everything springing back to life. I'm really and truly happy.

An Ode to Spring

Spring is springing all over the place.
From my window I can see
Buds on bare branches and
Little grass seedlings poking their way up
Between the dead brown blades.
The sun is warm and
The breeze is cool and
The air smells so sweet.
It's my favorite time of year,
And this year it's coming early.
Like a beautiful present
I get to open all over again
Each morning.

SPRING!

Bliss

Highlights of the past 24 hours:

• I looked freaking gorgeous in my dress.
• Lots of sexual innuendo (example: when I asked a friend of mine to make me not cold anymore, he responded by saying, "Sorry, but my bed's back in Conway").
• I was told that I'm "too beautiful to be so nice" (actually, I took offense to this, but I think it was supposed to be a compliment?).
• This morning I was asked to go on an adventure, which led us to a beautiful German Catholic church in the middle of nowhere.

I've had a fantastic weekend.

A Nothing Entry

I've been burning myself a lot lately. Mostly on the oven, but then this morning with my flat-iron (which I haven't used in forever).

Tonight is formal!! We've got a room at the Holiday Inn downtown, and we're having dinner at Macaroni Grill. It's kinda funny...I wasn't even originally planning to go to formal.

Waiting, waiting, waiting...waiting for Laura to call me so we can go to Target to get her some shoes for formal. I think I might buy a couple picture frames. Ya know, because it's not like I have enough or anything (actually, I really don't).

I'm bored.

Skin

Achoo.

A few days ago I finally got around to buying John Mayer's latest album. I'm one of those people who should never buy more than one album at a time. A couple days before I bought Continuum, I bought the new Norah Jones album, Not Too Late. And it's amazing! But since buying Continuum, I've hardly listened to Not Too Late. So now it'll be one of those things that just sits in my iPod, collecting digital dust.

Cheap nail polish smells really bad. :-\

We had so much trouble working out the transportation thing for formal, we ended up just booking a hotel room at the Holiday Inn in downtown Little Rock. I think we'll all have a lot more fun this way, and it'll make the experience last a lot longer because now we're planning to head down to Little Rock in mid-afternoon and not coming back until the next morning. Needless to say, I'm really freaking excited about formal. I love my dress. I love the people I'm going with. Yeah...♥

I really need to do laundry today. And I think I'm coming down with a cold. :-\

Happy ♥ Day

Done-done. Yep.

Yeah, I quit. And by that, I mean that today is over. Okay, I have to go to work tonight, and I'm going to try to finish reading my book sometime today, but the things I hate doing are done. Saturday I ordered prints of the photos that I took of Ariane, and today I got an offer for a free 8x10 and set of 4 wallets from Snapfish. So I ordered a few more photos...an 8x10 of my mom, wallets of Max, and a couple of 5x7s of Katie photos that I love.

Must resist temptation to buy 8 million frames.

Done-ish? Are you sure that's a word?

CS case is done-ish. Skipping CA and FM today. I suck.

But it's over. The deluge of work that started with last Thursday's MBC test and wrapped around to this week is finally over. I need to finish reading If Aristotle Ran General Motors and type up an outline of my group's presentation over it, but I'm enjoying the book (of which I only have about 30 or 40 pages left to read), and the outline isn't a big deal. I don't think I have any other big things until my CS test on the 23rd. Maybe an FM test before or around then. Which means that I get to relax this week, so I should be in a good mood by the time formal rolls around on Saturday. There's nothing worse than being tired & cranky when a big event is happening.

I think I want to go home, tear everything off of my walls, and create a studio for my photography. I've already got a start. If only prints and frames were free. :-\

Blah :-\

Yesterday I burned my tongue on some soup. It still huuuurts.
Once again, I'm doing a case for Corporate Strategy the morning that it's due. I hate this class. I thought it was going to be an easy way to get my comp grade, and for the most part it is, but these cases are ridiculous.
Listening to "Home" by Jack Johnson makes me really sad. It makes me miss my mom and my dog and my life. All of that is missing when I'm here.
Boys are something I should seriously stay away from. Love is starting to make me feel like a bad person.
I've got stuff to mail today, but I don't know when I'm going to be able to do it. Mostly because I suck at getting things done.
I'm not happy. I'm sure that's obvious. I try to be happy and normal, but sometimes I'd really rather just sit in my room by myself. These days, that doesn't even get to happen too much. My only real way to escape is to get in my fort. And shut people out emotionally, since I can't seem to do it physically.
I feel like everything I've worked for has been in vain. I worked hard in school, and look where it's gotten me...at a school I hate with a major I can't stand. I work hard at my jobs, but I still make barely above minimum wage and never have any money. No car (well, no license, but I wouldn't have a car even if I did have a license), no boyfriend, very few friends. Meanwhile, my brother has skated by in life. He's half-assed everything he's ever done, and has usually been able to get other people to do his work for him. He can't even wake himself up in the morning. But he's got a nice cushy job that pays almost 13 bucks an hour (a job he skipped 4 times in less than 2 weeks...and still didn't get fired). And he's got a freaking gorgeous girlfriend. He just bought a new car, and after trying to get out of it, the car dealer improved his deal. This kid has NO CREDIT, yet he has a better interest rate on his car loan than my mom (who has excellent credit). My mom says this is all just my perception, that things aren't really as polarized as I'm making them out to be. Whatever.
I'm cranky. :-\

Brokedown Beauty

New photos on Flickr. Go check 'em out.

The Day of 1000 Packages

Okay, well, really just two packages. But they were both full of fun stuff. I got the 2 dresses I ordered, as well as my new shoes. The shoes are fantastic. Love 'em. And I love the brown dress that I got...which is good, because it was the one I wanted the most. I'm not 100% crazy about the black dress. I mean, it's an OK-looking dress, but it's a little too big and lacks a little bit of structure. Overall, however, I'm pretty happy. Especially with the brown dress. GORGEOUS.

My Cost Accounting test went pretty well this morning. And I got back my cases in Corporate Strategy, and I did okay on them (89% on the first one, 95% on the second one). Academically, it's been a good day.

Aaaaaaaagh, all I wanna do is take a nap...

Crazy Messed Up Thing

My first test of the semester is in 3 hours. I'm not really worried about it. I've read 4 out of the 5 chapters (and I'll probably skim that chapter between now & 1:15). I need to go over my notes a few times. Other than that, I'm trying not to stress out about it. I really hate studying for the first test in any class, especially if I've never had the professor before. Unless you can look at old exams, it's really like blind studying. You have no idea what to expect. So I'm just not worrying about it.

The burn on my hand from Saturday night is finally starting to heal. It still looks pretty gross, but it's getting smaller. Hopefully the scar won't be too bad.

Tomorrow I'm expecting packages galore...the two dresses I ordered from Kiyonna and the shoes I ordered from J.Crew. And formal is next weekend! I hope it warms up a bit before then. Tuesday it was soooooooo gorgeous here...it got up to 67 degrees! Beautiful. But then yesterday it decided to get cold again, and right now it's about 34 degrees outside. If it's gonna be that cold next weekend, I'm not so sure I wanna be walking around downtown Little Rock in a dress & heels.

Anyway, I'd better go take a shower and do some studying.

Big News!!

I just found out that my sister is having a baby in May!! Yayyyyyyy! I'm so happy for her. It'll be her 4th. I bet Kennedy, Kendal, & Kylee are excited to get a new little brother or sister!

edit: Um...nevermind?

Well, Hot Dog!

I just built a fort. Yeah, I know you're jealous.

Anxiously Awaiting

Spring, that is. It's been a bit warmer (and sunnier!) the past couple of days, and it's got me really looking forward to spring. Today I ordered 2 pairs of sandals...a pair of navy espadrilles and a pair of pink flip-flops. Mmm...very few things make me happier than a sunny spring day.

P.S.

This morning my mom found one of my all-time favorite photographs. It's of Mike holding me and Tracey holding Tyler, when I was maybe 3 or 4 years old. I haven't seen the photo in at least 10 years. It may seem stupid, but this photo means so much to me. Anyway, needless to say, I'm really happy.

Aftermath

Drrrrrrrunkkkkkkkkk. That's what I was last night. I was drunk from 4:30 until about midnight. I burned my hand on the oven while I was making pizza. But anyway, I had fun. Lots of people showed up. Good times were had by all.

Exhausted

Tomorrow night Laura & I are throwing a pizza party at her apartment at 6. I have like 8 million things to do between now & then, like baking 2 batches of cookies, going to the liquor store, helping Laura clean her apartment, and doing all of the prep work for the pizzas (so all we have to do is assemble & pop them in the oven when the party starts). Don't get me wrong...I'm absolutely excited about this party. But I'm also exhausted and wishing that throwing parties were effortless.

I spent a good chunk of today creating this sign to hang on Laura's door tomorrow night (the Emo's Pizza thing is sort of an inside joke):


But on the bright side of things, I bought some Dole 100% apple juice, a.k.a. heaven in a bottle. This is one of the few things that would calm my upset tummy on those mornings when I had to go to work at 4 a.m. I'd drink it during my break, and it would make me feel 1000% better.

I'm really hoping to see a certain someone at the party tomorrow night...

Be Mine??

Get your own valentinr

Interrupting Starfish

Life is crazy. Fo' sho'. Dr. Oxner assigned a case TODAY that's due on FRIDAY. wtf? So much for my plan to not put the next case off until the last minute. At least it's a "short" one (as in, we only have to write 3-4 pages instead of 5-10).

Last night I went to work, even though it was my night off. I hung out with Laura & Trey behind the desk. We played gin and told bad jokes. Har har.

It's like 8 degrees outside, but at 2 o'clock I'm meeting Laura and we're gonna walk to Something Brewing so I can get a frappuccino. Yeah...

Ok, that's it.

The Beginning of the End

My first week of classes is over, and it really wasn't too bad. Life, on the other hand, has been very up & down. I've done a great job of alienating people over the past 3 years, so now I've only got one or two friends. I spent a good part of the week freaking out that I might be pregnant. Also, I think I might be catching Laura's cold. Anyway...

I ordered some prints of the photos I took of Max, and I was expecting them to be here Wednesday or Thursday, but they still haven't arrived. I'm not using Winkflash anymore because I had this problem with them all the time. Until now, I haven't had this problem with Snapfish. Although, I'm wondering if it's because the last 2 times I was ordering 8x10s, and maybe those don't get "misplaced" like 4x6s?

I miss Max. I miss watching TV with him curled up in my lap. I miss watching him chase Xena around the backyard. I miss him begging me to hold him. I miss his circus tricks. I miss baking treats for him. I miss snuggling up with him at night. I miss dressing him up in cute little t-shirts, and dancing to "Fergalicious" and telling him to pop it. I miss the way his little tags jingle when he trots through the house. I miss when he jumps up on the sofa to be with me, and the way he just looks at me like, "I know I'm not supposed to be up here, but I love you!" I miss our play fights and the way he nibbles my fingers. I just miss everything about him...

I want to go home.

Springing Forward

Soon Max's picture will be in that frame. The sunflowers are so cheerful-looking, especially in that rose-colored vase (which I bought last night at Target). The sun finally came out today, and it's making me feel a lot better. January is always my lowest month of the year. It's so cold and cloudy, and I'm just grumpy all the time.

Good vs. Bad...a Fight to the Death

Good Things About Today

• I'm completely lost in Cost Accounting, but it seems like everyone is.
• I found a partner for the CA presentation.
• Dr. Scott found my final. THANK GOD!!
• I don't think I have to take notes in Corporate Strategy...like ever. Everything's on PowerPoint, and she prints the slides out for us.
• Professor Rupert is really nice.

Bad Things About Today

• I spent $730.90 on textbooks.
• The bookstore was sold out of the CA book, so I don't really know what I'm going to do until it gets in. I asked Adam if I could borrow his from last year, but he's not sure where it is. How am I supposed to do the homework?
• My books are reeeeeally heavy.
• I have a 5-10 page write up for a case due on Friday in CS. *death*

I know other people have got it way worse than I do, but can my luck turn around just a little bit? Pretty please?

It Just Gets Better & Better...

Just got back from the bookstore. $730.90. My parents are gonna stroke out. And one of my books, the one I actually need more than any of the others, is sold out. I had to special order it, and the lady at the bookstore told me it should "hopefully" be here by the end of the week. I've already asked one of my friends who took it last year if I can borrow his book until I get mine, but he wasn't sure if he still has it...so please cross your fingers that he does! It'd be nice to run into a little bit of good luck this semester.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!!!! Everything going on right now just makes me want to screeeeeeeeeeeeam. And throw things. And hit people.

B.Positive

I'm not really done wallowing in self-pity over how much I think my life sucks right now, but I am at least done with it for tonight. Today I downloaded John Legend's "Once Again" album. It's fantastic! I unpacked all of my stuff and decluttered my desk, which included putting most of my picture frames in the closet. Now the only photos on my desk are one of my mom, one of Tyler & Xena, and a frame reserved for a picture of Max as soon as it gets here (hopefully by the end of the week). I also spent the afternoon hanging out with Laura and learning how to play Guitar Hero. Then we went out for ice cream. Ice cream makes a lot of things better.

Conversation Hearts are delicious.

Conspiracy Theory

Wichita got its first snow of the season--and it was a big one--during the 2 weeks between Thanksgiving and the end of finals. It had pretty much all melted by the time I got back home. I was home for 6 weeks, and the most snow I saw was a few flurries and a bunch of ice. Now--a mere 24 hours after returning to school--my hometown has been blanketed in half a foot of snow. I think it's a conspiracy to make sure I don't get to enjoy snow at all this year.

And the worst part? I'm missing out on seeing Max play in the snow.

Insomnia

I can't sleep. My mom hit the road about 30 minutes ago, hoping to beat the latest bout of ice & snow. I hope she makes it home safely...yesterday she dozed off while driving and veered off into the oncoming lane...luckily there weren't any cars coming, and the construction cones she hit woke her up.

I guess since I can't sleep, I might as well write about the past 6 weeks. The short version: I got Max the day I came home, but it was all downhill from there. I spent my first 3 weeks at home working, usually going in sometime between 4 and 7 in the morning. While I was working, I spent a lot of time at my dad's house (not fun). During my first week at home, my mom got really sick, so when I wasn't working I was taking care of her. During my second week at home, I got really sick. It seemed like it took me forever to get well. I was even sick on Christmas. Also while I was sick, I got a call from Dr. Scott telling me that he never received my International Economics final and rework (which I spent almost $15 to mail). He gave me an incomplete in the class and said that if he couldn't track it down (I've got proof that it was delivered, but unfortunately I was too stupid to make copies of the test before I mailed it), I'd have to redo it. I still have an incomplete, and I haven't heard from him, so I'm guessing that I'll probably have to redo it... Okay, so after I got well and quit my job, I had a week at home to get ready for Michael's visit. That week wasn't so bad...I mostly spent a lot of time with Max. Then Michael came to visit, and it didn't go well at all. He was supposed to stay for a week, but ended up only staying for 48 hours. We broke up. I spent the rest of that week not doing much of anything, other than stressing out about the weather situation. The roads ended up being too bad to travel last weekend, so I didn't get to come back to school until this weekend. So I missed an entire week of classes. And, unfortunately, I got here after the bookstore closed, so I can't go buy my books until Monday morning. So I can't start on any of that make up work until next freaking week.

And as bad as my break was, I'm homesick already. I miss Max so much, and I'm worried about what he's going to think when my mom comes home without me.

P.S. I forgot to mention all of the weird dreams I had over the break: my mom died suddenly, I found a lump in my breast, and I got pregnant. Hopefully these dreams won't be coming true.

My Version of a Drinking Song

Being back at school is weird. I don't feel like I changed over the break or anything, but I don't really feel like I fit right back in where I left off. It seems like there's always a little period of adjustment when I change habitats.

I drank a shot of vodka over the course of about 2 hours. Obviously, I don't feel anything. Except maybe sad and a little slow.

I just downloaded a couple of songs by 2 of my favorite artsits, one from Lily Allen and one from Jack Johnson.

Being a week behind stinks. And I miss Max.

Introducing Maximus

I got a dog. It was over a month ago, like December 9th or whatever day I went home. He's a 4-year old miniature schnauzer. His previous owner had named him Frank, but I thought that was a horrible name for such a sweet little dog. So I named him Maximus. My little Max was groomed a couple weeks after this picture was taken, so now he actually looks like a schnauzer. I miss his long curls, but not the smell that accompanied them. My baby boy loves to dress up in cute little t-shirts (he has 4 of them to choose from!), and his favorite song is "Fergalicious" (we dance whenever the video comes on VH1). As silly as it sounds, I love him more than anything. I already miss the sound of his collar jingling as he runs around the house and his warm little body curling up in my lap while I watch TV. It's the biggest downside of being back at school.

So Tired...

I've been up for about 20 hours. I had completely & totally planned to go to bed by midnight tonight, but life had other plans. Although most people left by 9, the party didn't really wind down until after midnight, by which point I was a little bit drunk. I ended up walking around campus with Laura, Shawn, and Andrew for a while, then we came back here & tried to watch a movie. Around 2, everyone was gone. I could've gone to bed for a few hours...except that I still hadn't packed, and the common room was a huge mess. Well, it's after 3 now, and the common room is clean and all of my dishes are washed. My dad should be here in about 5 hours. I probably only have 1-2 hours of work to do, but then I'll need to spend an hour getting ready. I guess I'll pass the rest of the time watching TV or something.

On the one hand, staying up this late is really stupid. On the other hand, if I sleep the whole time, the car ride will go by reeeeeeally fast, and I won't have to really talk to my dad & stepmom. Let's just cross our fingers that they won't want to do any kind of shopping in the morning, because I figure I need to make it home by 4:30 if I want to go to the Humane Society to get a dog.

Oh, and the party was a huuuuuuuuge success. There wasn't really much left over...just little bits of stuff, which I ended up throwing away. The peanut brittle didn't turn out, but I also made white chocolate-covered pretzels sprinkled with red & green sugar, muddy buddies (a.k.a. puppy chow), and Chex mix. And then I bought chips & dip, candy canes, and soda at Wal-Mart. And we heated up the rest of the apple cider Ariane bought last weekend. Anyway, I think pretty much everyone had a good time. I know I did. :)

OMG STRESS...and lots of cursing

I'm so effing steamed right now! I've got a final tomorrow morning, and I didn't get to leave work until about 10 minutes after my shift ended. Now, I'm gonna wind up getting less than 6 hours of sleep before a motherfucking final. And one of my "friends" was one of the people who kept us there so goddamn late. I mean, come on people...the excuse that you "lost track of time" doesn't fly with me. When a student worker comes by and says that we're closing in 10 minutes, you should FUCKING PACK UP YOUR STUFF AND GET THE FUCK OUT! Don't keep studying! You know, WE don't get to leave until YOU leave. There are MANY other places you can study. Have a little consideration for your fellow students who ALSO have finals. You're not the only person on the goddamn planet who has a final tomorrow. You're not the only person who needs to pass her classes.

Also...STOP COMPLAINING about doing poorly on the 15 different assignments you have for a class. If you've had that many chances to do well and you're STILL failing, FUCK YOU. International Economics isn't just the hardest class I've ever taken...it's arguably the hardest class at this school. Several professors have looked at Dr. Scott's tests and said that they look like GRADUATE-LEVEL, OPEN-BOOK tests. Normally, kids in IE would have three grades. But does my class? No, because we all failed the first test. So instead of curving it like a DECENT HUMAN BEING, and probably ALL OF THE OTHER PROFESSORS AT HENDRIX, Dr. Scott just fucking throws it out. So then you're down to TWO MOTHERFUCKING GRADES. And I just happened to be lucky enough to get a fucking 47% on the next exam. I've been working on the corrections for the past THREE GODDAMN DAYS, and I'm still only TWO THIRDS through it. And even though I'm pretty much KILLING MYSELF to get it done, the highest I can end up with on that test is a 72 MOTHERFUCKING PERCENT! And let's not talk about our "take-home final"...I've barely even had a chance to look at it yet. In theory, I'm supposed to turn in both of these things tomorrow. And I would FUCKING LOVE to do that! Do you honestly think I want to take this shit home with me? GOD NO! I WANT TO BE DONE WITH IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW! But I just don't have the time.

Sorry about all of the anger...I just really needed to get it all out before going to bed, or else it was going to keep me up all night.

Maybe He'll Be Mine??

The Humane Society added new puppies to their website this afternoon. I hope this little guy is still there when I go on Saturday:


He's a 4-year old poodle mix named Diogy (if I can get him to go by a different name, I'm definitely changing it). I'm not so attached to this one as I was to the CKCS...I just don't have the emotional capacity for that...but I do love his little face, and the website said that he's good on a leash and under 20 lbs, which is pretty much perfect for me because I'm planning to take my pup for lots of walks. He also looks less prissy than the CKCS, so he'll be a better playmate for Xena and Harley. Anyway, crossing fingers again...

The Upside

Alright, so I'm not getting the CKCS puppy... Apparently, he was a lost dog, and his owners reclaimed him this morning. Granted, I don't know the situation, but I feel that dogs run away because they're not happy or because their owners are irresponsible. So on the one hand, I know I should be happy that these people have their dog back, but at the same time I can't help but feel like maybe they don't really deserve him. Anyway...my mom said that we'd go back to the Humane Society when I get home Saturday afternoon, and if I fall in love with another puppy I can get it. She also said she'd ask her friend Shonda about the pug she's getting and how much it costs. So...even though I didn't end up getting that puppy, I might still get a puppy.

I've been working on the corrections to that econ test I failed, and it's going soooooo slooooooooowly. I emailed Dr. Scott to see if I could just take the final home with me (it's a take-home), do it over the weekend, and mail it to him next week. Thank God he said yes... I'm about 2/3rds done with the rework of the last exam, plus I've still gotta study for my Spanish final (which is tomorrow morning), pack, clean my room, and make all that crap for the party tomorrow night. Aaaaaaagh.

Dear God,

I think you're a big ol' meanie. It wasn't just pure dumb luck that I happened to go to the Humane Society's website yesterday. It wasn't just a coincidence that they happened to have a picture of the most beautiful dog in the world, the exact dog I've been wanting for years. No, it was fate. It was absolutely meant to be. You wanted me to see that dog. You wanted me to fall in love with his big brown eyes and the rust-colored freckles on his snout. You wanted me to waste hours trying to come up with the perfect name. You wanted me to get really, really excited.

Just so you could take it all away...

Puppy Love

Omigod, okay, so, I just checked the Humane Society's website, and they updated it this morning, and he's still there!! I called my mom's cell phone and left her a message letting her know. So hopefully she'll go this afternoon...

I've decided to call him Hamlet. Or Gus.

edit:
I just talked to my mom, and I'm about 99.9% sure that she's gonna go to the Humane Society today. So as long as he doesn't get adopted in the next few hours...he's mine!! *still crossing fingers*

Update, yo!

Well, I talked to my mom again, and I made my case for little Lancelot...and at first she said we'd go to the Humane Society when I get home, and if he's still there, I can have him. But then I told her that since I won't get home until late Saturday afternoon, and since they're probably closed on Sunday (and then she told me they're also closed on Monday), we wouldn't be able to go until Tuesday. And by Tuesday, I'm sure he'll be gone, if he's not gone already (although as of yesterday, when their website was last updated, he was still there). So she said..."I'll think about it." Now, in normal parentspeak, that means no. But coming from my mom, it usually means yes. Sooooo...I'm trying not to get my hopes up, because even if she decides to get him and goes to the Humane Society tomorrow, he could already be gone...but it's at least looking better for me. I even bought him a little stuffed octopus at Target tonight (and if I don't get him, I'll just give the toy to Xena or Harley).

Anyway, I bought ornaments tonight. I got a Luke Skywalker & Yoda ornament for Michael, a Little Mermaid ornament for Ariane, a dark red glass heart wrapped with gold musical bars for Abby (for the Secret Santa thing), a set of 4 blue glittery snowflakes, and a mouth-blown glass "two peas in a pod" ornament for myself (well, and Michael...I figured we could start a tradition of getting a couples ornament every year).

I haven't been so productive today. I'm hoping to get a good bit of my economics thing done at work tonight. I'm a little stuck on one problem right now, but if I still have that problem tonight then I'll just skip it or start working on the take-home final.

I think I just died a little...

This little guy just stole my heart:


I hate this... Okay, so here's a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel purebred, available for adoption at the Kansas Humane Society. This is the kind of dog I've been wanting for the past like 5 years, ever since our cocker spaniel died. It's the kind of dog I knew I'd never have because I'd only be able to get it from a breeder, and it would cost $1000+. But here's one...at the Humane Society...which only costs like 120 bucks. But will my mom get it for me? No. Why? Because I won't be home until Saturday, and even when I do come home I'm going to be working, and she doesn't have the time to take care of a dog. This is such bullshit! Back when we had Brutus, she STILL let Tyler get Xena. So we had 2 freaking rottweilers at once. And she knew Tyler wouldn't take care of them. Who did? Who trained Xena? Oh, that's right, I did. I mean, if Tyler had seen this dog at the Humane Society, fallen in love with it, and called Mom up to ask if he could get it...she would crumble like a motherfuckin' cookie and say yes. But for me...not so much.

I mean, I knew it was a long shot to even ask...but still... Heart=broken.

Shit I Gots to Do

Schedule for the rest of the week:

Tuesday (today):

• Laundry
• Clean room
  
• Start rework of econ test
• Knit

Wednesday:

• Pack
• Shop
• Change schedule for next semester
  
• Finish rework of econ test

Thursday:

• Make pretzels, peanut brittle
• Start econ final
• Study for Spanish final

Friday:

• Make Chex mix, muddy buddies
• Finish & turn in econ final
  
• Take Spanish final
• Get everything ready for party

Yeah...that's a lot. And here's other stuff I have to do at some point during the next four days:

• Make a list of everything I can't forget to take home (stereo, ornaments, camera charger, etc.)
• Make a couple of playlists
• Update my iPod (and charge it)
• Blah blah blahhhhhhhhhh

Pretty Betty

I just spent the last 3 and a half hours baking. I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies and a double-batch of peanut butter cookies. I'm pretty much swimming in cookies. I'm taking them to my economics thing (in about 45 minutes), then I'll take whatever's left to the library during my shift tonight. So if you want cookies, you know where to be!

Today my mom got me this for Christmas. Yay!! I'm getting quite the little collection of Vera Bradley stuff.

P.S. I'm becoming completely addicted to Dr. Pepper.

P.P.S. Today I found out that I got an A in Freehand Drawing, so that means I'm getting 3 A's this semester!! Which means that even with a C in International Economics, I'll still have a 3.5 GPA!!!! Which means that my overall GPA is actually going up!!!!!!! Yeah, I'm a wee bit excited, yo.

♥

I talked to Michael, and everything's all good now.

I ♥ that boy.

Longest Rant Everrrrrrrrr!

I'm not having a very good weekend. I've been feeling so uncertain about my relationship with Michael, and having doubts about the future, but I haven't been able to talk to him about it because we've both been busy.

Friday night I went to a "party" at somebody's apartment...but, just like everytime I forget why I hate going over there, it was less a party and more just random people I didn't know sitting around playing video games. And this time they were smoking weed. Obviously, I didn't stay very long.

I didn't get out of bed until about 1 o'clock yesterday afternoon. I wasn't sleeping that whole time, but I did probably get about 10 hours of sleep. I guess I needed it, because I slept for a long time today too. I think I might be coming down with a cold. I keep sneezing and coughing up gross stuff. Yeah, I know you really wanted to know that...

Yesterday I was so excited when Laura told me that Patrick was gonna call her when he got off work at 10:30. Like, ridiculously excited. I really like Patrick, but I haven't seen him since the night of the Sadie Hawkins dance, way back in October. Anyway, Laura said something about going to the poetry slam, and I didn't really want to go because 1) I'm not so much into poetry, and 2) it didn't start until 10, and Patrick was supposed to call at 10:30. But Laura said we could just stay for a little bit and then go hang out with Patrick. I really didn't know how long this poetry slam was supposed to last...I was thinking maybe an hour or so. Yeah effing right. At 10:40, the actual competition hadn't even started yet, but I guess Laura talked to Patrick during the little break and he decided to come to the poetry slam. Alright, so he shows up a little bit later, and sits next to Laura, who wasn't sitting all that close to me. Long story short, a little bit before midnight, Patrick decided to leave. I left a few minutes later. Anyway, I was a bit ticked off about the whole thing because she knew how much I wanted to hang out with him, and she said we would only stay at the poetry slam for a little while, and...whatever. I'm over it.

I also had a bit of a fight with my mom last night. I don't even remember how it got started. We were talking about Christmas traditions, and I said something about how we don't have traditions in our family anymore, not since my parents got divorced. But I don't blame her for that, and I told her that. I mean, I understand that she works a lot more now and that her work is a lot more physically demanding. But apparently she thinks I don't realize this, so she started pointing it all out. Then she started talking about how she thinks of traditions as something you keep with your family, and she doesn't really feel like we have a family. Or something like that. Honestly, at this point, I was kind of tuning her out. I don't think she understands how upset I am about the fact that I really don't have a family. I have family members, but we can't ever seem to get it together. And I'm scared...I'm scared that when I have my own family, it's going to be the same way because I don't know how a family is supposed to be. My mom's family is so fucked up...somebody's always out. And it's not even always the same person! It changes all the time. And my dad's family...they don't even talk to each other. I mean, they get along, but they never talk because person A has this attitude that person B is supposed to call them, but person B feels like person A should call them first. So nobody ever calls anybody unless someone is literally dying. They see each other at graduations, weddings, and funerals. It's not a family.

So what happens when you take a family that's constantly embroiled in civil war and mix it with a family full of stubborn passive-aggressives? Well, other than a divorce, you get what I've got... I'm the only one who talks to my dad on a regular basis. I try to make excuses for my older siblings, that they've got their own families now and they're busy, but I mean really...shouldn't any member of your family always be a top priority? But I guess I shouldn't complain about that too much...at least Mike is talking to Dad again. They went YEARS without speaking to each other, and nobody even really knew why. They were both just too stubborn to pick up the phone and apologize. My dad missed Mike's wedding and the births of two daughters. And even with them talking again, I don't think my dad really cared with Mike's third daughter was born. And then there's Tracey...I cut her even more slack because she lives a few hours away. But her mom lives in Wichita, and she comes down ALL THE TIME to see her. Why can't she ever pop in to say hi to Dad? And Tyler doesn't talk to Dad much anymore...right now he's pissed because Dad didn't call him back one time, so he didn't call Dad to wish him a happy birthday last week. I can just see that relationship deteriorating into the one Dad had with Mike for all those years...

I'm not saying that Dad is blameless in all of this. The attitude he has about calling his siblings is the same one he has about calling his kids. He hasn't been the best dad in the world, either. He's difficult to talk to. He's not very supportive, especially if you want to do something he disagrees with. I make excuses for him, too...he didn't really have a dad growing up, so maybe he just doesn't know how to be one. And he's not a warm-fuzzy person.

My mom is wonderful. I get along great with her. She's always there for me, and I can talk to her about anything. But one person does not an entire family make. Not for me, anyway. Not when I know I've got other family.

Okay...enough whining...this crummy mood is ruining "Nigella Feasts" for me. And the whole episode is devoted to desserts. She's making cupcakes now!!

Arg.

So the fudge turned out really tasty, but not as solid as I would've liked. I also made chocolate chip cookies last night...I didn't bake the first batch quite long enough, so they turned out really doughy, but the rest turned out perfectly.

This isn't something I would normally write about in here, because I don't think it's really anybody's business, but I just need to get it out. Relationships can be so frustrating. I love Michael, but the long-distance thing makes having any kind of relationship really hard. And lately he's been acting kind of distant, but I can't tell if it's because something's wrong or he's just busy. I've asked him if something's wrong, and he said no, but it's hard to know if he's telling the truth or just saying that, because he's not here. And I've been getting some attention from a few different guys this week, and I have to say it's pretty tempting at times... Usually the emotional connection I have with Michael is enough for me, but right now I feel like I'm getting nothing...so why not at least get some temporary physical lovin'? Well, other than the fact that I'm not too fond of the idea of becoming a whore...I don't want to throw away everything I've got with Michael. I would never cheat on him...I really do love him. I'm just really frustrated with the situation right now.

I need to do some laundry today.

Christmas Fantasy Fudge, a la Jackson Pollock

I made fudge for the first time ever. Yessssssss.

47%

I just found out that I very much failed the economics test I took on Monday.

Snowflakesssssssss!!!!

It's snowing at home today. The windchill there right now is 1. One degree. Yeah. Absolutely freezing. I wanna be there!!!!!!!!!!! Instead, I'm here, where it's 48 (windchill is 43). We're supposed to get a "wintry mix" this evening, but I'm pretty sure that just means freezing rain.

Anyway, I'm pretty much done right now. Well, I've still got 2 classes that I have to go to (Spanish and economics), and I've got my Spanish final a week from tomorrow (sooooooo easy) and then a take-home final for econ. But then I'll be back home in about 9 days! So flippin' excited about that, yo.

Tonight Laura & I are going to the Candlelight Carol Service. I can't believe it's my senior year, and I've never been! She hasn't either, which is why we got tickets this year. I'm really excited about it! I've heard the choir's excellent.

Finally Finished!!

Alright, so I just finished my final for drawing (which is good, because it's due in about 11 hours). It looks kinda wonky pinned up like this, but I think I'm gonna leave it up on the wall until I go to class because maybe it'll help it keep its shape. Anyway, I'll write more about it later (especially the symbolism behind the squares) , but here's a picture for now:

Awwwwww

Today a baby fell asleep in my arms. It was pretty much the best feeling ever.

Pop Pop Bang Bang

Pretty sure I failed my economics test this afternoon, but Dr. Scott said something about letting me take it home & rework it for more points later. And that's how you pull out a mercy C.

I finished knitting all of the squares for my art project, and now I'm just sewing them all together. Then all I've gotta do is knit & sew together the border. I'd like to get it all done by tomorrow afternoon so I can spend tomorrow night finishing up my sketchbook. Then, at 2 o'clock Wednesday afternoon, I will officially be done with Freehand Drawing! And I'm done with Art History, but I'm still going to class because I like Dr. Miller and we've started learning about the Renaissance. I've got 2 days (plus an extra out-of-class meeting) of International Economics, then a take-home final. Four days left of Spanish, then the final. And then...the semester will fiiiiiiiinally be OVER! Yeah, I'm excited.

This morning I had a little time to kill before Spanish, so I took a few pictures. I really like the way this one turned out, and it's the one I'm having framed for my mom for Christmas:

She Bangs, She Bangs

So I got a new haircut. A thinned-out, slightly-layered bob + bangs. Inspired by one Ms. Britney Spears. Check it.

Family Portraits

Goodbye Home

So I'm going back to school tomorrow morning. It's been an eventful break. I got about $500 worth of new clothes, 5 Christmas ornaments, and some baking stuff. Today I made perfect cookies...peanut butter with Hershey Kisses on top! And I got my hair cut. I'm absolutely in love with it...it's a BIG change, and it's probably the only time ever that my hair has turned out exactly the way I wanted it. I'll take & post some pictures when I get back to school.

Thanksgiving was good...I had the biggest tummy ache ever when we were done, and I pretty much passed out in my grandparents' basement for a couple of hours.

Anyway, I'd better post this before the computer crashes & I lose the whole thing (like I did the other day).

Laura + Moby

And by last time I update, I meant that I'm going to update at least once more. Today Laura came over & I took pictures of her and her adooooooorable lab, Moby. Here are my 2 faves (the b&w is the one she's submitting for her senior picture in the yearbook):

Soooooooooo Close!!

Got a lot done yesterday. I've only been up for about 2 and a half hours, and I've already accomplished a bit (I read the chapter for tomorrow's Art History test). Now I'm just snacking on some popcorn to tide me over until we go out to dinner at 3-ish. And watching Food Network to kill time until Laura's ready to go do pictures.

I'm pretty much done packing, with the exception of all the stuff I'm going to need to use before I leave (toothbrush, shampoo. etc). Go me!

Okay, so I'm watching Barefoot Contessa, and Ina Garten is stuffing a couple of cornish hens. OH MY GOD...dead, featherless, decapitated birds are SO EFFIN' CREEPY!! She stood them up to shove the stuffing up their butts, and I swear to God they looked like they were gonna start walking across the countertop. Eww and gross.

Alright, this will probably be one of the last times I update for about a week. Tyler's computer is still on the fritz, so I will be internet-less while I'm at home. I hope everyone has a fantastic holiday!!

Work Schedule

I just got my work schedule, and...it's not bad at all!! I'm working 6-10 Tuesday morning and 7-11 Friday morning. My dad said they also needed someone from 10 am until 1 pm on Thursday, but I told him that I really couldn't do that because I'm going to my grandparents' house that afternoon for dinner. And even though we're probably not going to Grandma & Grandpa's until later in the afternoon, working 10-1 would mean my mom would have to leave the house while cooking to come pick me up...and I don't think that's such a good idea, ya know?

I feel really pretty today. Glow-y. The past few days, I've been blowdrying my hair and putting on makeup...it really makes a huge difference, I think.

Last night I cleaned my room (my side of it, anyway) and did almost all of my packing. Today I'm going to finish up my drawing midterm & email a photo of it to my professor (since I won't be in class on Monday). Tonight I'm making dinner for Laura & myself, then we're going to see the play. Look at me, being all productive & shit.

New Knitting Project!!

I just ordered yarn for a new project for myself. I'm going to knit a scarf with this yarn that I used for one of the squares in the blanket I'm knitting for my art project. It's GGH Esprit, a very soft & fuzzy nylon yarn. I'm doing skinny stripes of beige and teal. I haven't knitted a scarf in a really long time, and I think this will look nice with my peacoat. I'm having the yarn sent to my house, so if I get my art project done during the break, I can probably work on the scarf during the car ride back to school. Well anyway, I'll work on it eventually. Mostly I just don't feel like spending 8 years searching for the scarves I already have. And by that, I mean I don't feel like spending 30 seconds walking out to the garage because I actually know exactly where my scarves are. Uh...anyway, the yarn is really soft, and I want to wear it.

I'll post pictures when it's done, yo.

Post #93 (A Tale of Unhappiness)

I was really hoping (and expecting) next week to be a nice, relaxing break at home. But it's not looking so good right now. I'm working. I'm shopping. I'm seeing movies. I'm finishing my art project. I'm studying for my economics test. I'm visiting people. I'm taking pictures. I'm doing 8 million goddamn things when all I want to do is curl up in bed with my dog and take a really long nap.

I'm just coasting right now. Running on empty. I've got a constant headache (mostly thanks to a certain person who feels the need to add the word "bleque" to the end of every sentence). I'm extremely cranky. I don't feel like doing anything except sleeping, but when I finally get to go to bed at 2 in the morning, I can't seem to fall asleep. I just want to go home, but this week is dragging on foreverrrrrrrrrrr. And every time I think about it, all I can do is cry.

This has been the semester from hell. Not because my classes have been hard (other than International Economics, which has been a living nightmare)...it's just life. Life has been hard. I guess that's just the way things are...

edit:
Okay, I just made things a little bit better by sending myself a present. I bought the Lily Allen CD and the Care Bears Nutcracker DVD. Maybe an odd combination...maybe not. Anyway, it stopped the crying just a little bit.

Almost There

Four days. In about 97 hours, I'll be on the road, heading for home sweet home. Tomorrow I should find out my work schedule for next week. Man, if that wasn't the biggest mistake I've ever made! But at least it should only be a few hours each morning, and the store should be pretty busy, so the time will fly by. In theory, anyway.

There's a ton of stuff that I need to do this weekend. My to-do list:

• Clean my room. Especially my desk & my dresser. It's not that I don't want my mom to see my messiness...it's that I don't want to come back to it after the break.
• Finish my drawing midterm & send a picture of it to Professor Bailin. Otherwise, hello F. And that wouldn't be good.
• Work on my sketchbook for drawing.
• Get rid of those leftovers from our Thanksgiving dinner. I figure if nobody's eaten them by Sunday, I'm tossing them. I don't want to come back to rotting food.
• Make a list of everything I want/need to take home with me (MY SNEAKERS), and start packing or something.
• Study for my art history test.

Yeah, so that's quite a bit of stuff to get done in the next 3 days, but at least it'll keep me busy. Otherwise, I'm probably gonna go nuts waiting for my mom to get here.

:(

So close to being able to go home, but it still feels so far away. And I don't think I'm going to want to come back, but when do I ever? I love my friends (well, some of them), but I hate being here. And I don't think people really understand that. It's an effort to get out of bed and go to class everyday. Not because I'm depressed, just because it all seems so pointless.

In 15 minutes, I'm supposed to go to a review session for my econ test. It's raining, and I'm not feeling well, and I really don't want to go. Last time we had one of these things, it lasted about 2 and a half hours.

I hate my life right now...

It's Raining, It's Pouring

I think that when it's raining like it is right now, getting out of bed in the morning should be optional. Anyone out there thinking maybe that old man bumped his head on purpose??