Men: Of Stars and Flowers

Today I realized something very disappointing...and I suppose it's not that I've just now discovered it, but maybe that I've finally found a way to put it into words.

I know so many girls who are beautiful, intelligent, interesting, sweet...everything you'd think a man could ever want in a woman. Loyal. Low-maintenance. Real. But they're constantly being passed over by guys our age. Because the men we know are too busy (wet)dreaming about the "pretty" girls.

They're fixated on stars. Beautiful, sparkling stars. From millions and billions of miles away, they inspire men to foolishly abandon the real world in their pursuit.

But the funny thing about stars is that, while lovely at a distance, up close they're just giant balls of volatile gases, and they eventually lose their luster and burn out.

Meanwhile, we flowers, budding and blossoming and becoming ever sweeter and more beautiful, are trampled underfoot in the pursuit of stars.

Eventually some men give up on stars and settle for flowers. And while they're happy with their flowers, they still look in awe upon the stars. Some men get too close to stars and find themselves burned in the process...these are the ones who give up on love and carelessly step on flowers to filter out their pain.

Just sayin'.

Go With the Flow

FYI: I hate going with the flow. It's very much against my ridiculously impatient nature.

Yesterday I started reading The Alchemist, and I finished it this evening. I'm still not really sure how I feel about it. I want to like it. I feel like I did like it. But I don't feel deeply and profoundly changed by it. I already listen to my heart. I already look for signs. I haven't found my Personal Legend or anything, but I sort of think that's just a bunch of hooey anyway. Anyway, now I've started reading Erik Larson's Thunderstruck, which isn't quite as good as The Devil in the White City (at least so far...but hey, I'm only on page 26), but I think I'll like it anyway.

I spent a good chunk of tonight singing horrible karaoke in Laura's apartment, wondering whether or not I got asked out on a date, and not doing a bit of homework.

My Wednesday Thus Far

I know it's a little late in the game to be starting, but I think I'm gonna try out that 50 Book Challenge thing. I know I'll be lucky to get through half that many books by the end of the year, especially considering my predilection for ridiculously long books (The Devil in the White City was almost 400 pages, and The Historian, which I'm starting tonight, is 676...not to mention I'll be reading the 7th Harry Potter installment, a whopping 784 pages, this summer). But at least this gives me a goal. And speaking of Harry Potter, oh my jeez, Tom Morris (author of If Aristotle Ran General Motors, a book I had to read for class & ended up falling in love with) apparently has a book called If Harry Potter Ran General Electric. Oh my dears, I must read this book. Like now. And by now I mean sometime this summer, perhaps.

This afternoon I got to play with a basset hound/labrador mix. Now I smell like the delectable combination of perfume and puppy.

Today I had an overwhelming urge to paint an umbrella. Unfortunately, I don't so much have a good piece of wood on which to paint this parapluie, so it'll have to wait until I can get to Hobby Lobby. I'm firmly convinced that Corporate Strategy is only good for inspiring me to paint.

P.S. I finished reading Perfume, and now I've decided that I absolutely have to see this movie. I have to know if they end it the way the book ends.

Sleepytime.

KT Tunstall, you are my new addiction.

I'm almost done reading Perfume, a crazy book about a crazy guy who makes perfume out of dead girls. It's really good. I think, when I finish this, I'm going to start reading The Historian. Or maybe Thunderstruck. I really don't know. Maybe I should pick a book that doesn't have so much to do with murder, like The Alchemist or The Time Traveler's Wife.

Today I watched Aladdin and took a 2-hour nap. And now I'm going to bed. Before midnight, yo.

My Weekend

Today I walked a lot. And ate eel. And got a tan (yeah, that's right, no burn for me). And did my homework. Wtf, right? It was a great day full of things I never do.

This whole weekend was pretty good, actually. I got a lot done. Except that I still haven't unpacked. Oops...

Flower Girl

Yesterday I took a ton of photos of Ariane. See the rest at Flickr.

I Bleed Acrylic Paint

Yesterday I painted. A lot. Today I painted a lot more. I also got a wood-burning tool and a book about pyrography this morning, so now I'm teaching myself how to do that. It's not easy at all! I burned myself already. I did 2 pieces with the wood-burning tool, a bee and then a sunflower. The sunflower shows improvement over the bee, so that's a good sign. Here are the three pieces I finished yesterday:

Creative Juice

It's my favorite kind of juice, fyi.

Having a wonderful morning, despite staying up painting until 3 AM, thus only getting about 5 hours of sleep. Went out to breakfast with my dear lovely friends, then Laura & I went to Hobby Lobby so I could get more painting stuff. And guess what? I bought a book about woodburning and a woodburning tool. Sooooo...I'm just gonna do it. I'm gonna teach myself how to woodburn. I think it'll give my paintings a lot more depth. Plus it's just that fucking cool.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna open up a shop on Etsy in the near future.

Suddenly I See

Last night I bought a couple of lovely pieces of jewelry on a lovely lady's Etsy shop, LingGlass. I got the serenity teardrop pendant and the New Zealand postage stamp pendant. Hand-made, one-of-a-kind, and dirt cheap considering the craftsmanship put into each one. I'm so psyched!

This morning I created a new blog, Down the Rabbit Hole. It's mostly a place for me to blog about my quasi-vegetarian ways. And to rant about being eco-friendly.

I'm feeling very creative today. I'm hoping to make it over to Hobby Lobby this afternoon to buy some paint and canvases. I want to paint a chicken. And sunflowers. I'm not really sure why.

KT Tunstall, I ♥ you.

Bunny Food

I think I'm gradually becoming a vegetarian. I don't know that I'll ever completely give up meat, mostly because I don't really like a lot of the vegetarian options at most restaurants. I'm not a big fan of restaurants in general, though, so I don't normally eat out more than once or twice a month. And lately when I've been eating out, I usually end up ordering giant salads that have a little meat in them. I've been trying out a lot of different meat substitutes...so far I like fake sausage, fake bacon, and fake ground beef. I'm not a big fan of the fake chicken nuggets, though. I bought some fake bratwurst, but I haven't tried it yet...maybe I'll have that for dinner tonight.

Last night I finished reading The Devil in the White City, which I'd only started reading on Thursday. It was incredible! I didn't want it to end.

I've got a test in an hour. I haven't studied much. Oops.

"How Can I Be Sure of You"--Harry Nilsson

The other day a friend of mine said, he said the sun's not really yellow. He said, he said the sun is really red. I said my friend, what do you mean? You read that in some magazine. Next thing you'll say the earth's not green. How can I be sure of you anymore? In a world that's always changing, rearranging. Always changing, changing. I said my friend, how do you do? And what you're saying isn't true. Next thing you'll say the earth is blue. He said my friend, you're in a dream, and things are never what they seem. No, things are never what they seem. How can I be sure of you anymore? In a world that's always changing, rearranging. Always changing, changing, changing...

The world feels like that sometimes. Like the truth is absolutely subjective, or at best elective.

She Said, She Said

You say I give my heart away too easily. I say I throw my whole heart into something, and I don't think it's a bad thing. You say I'm too trusting. I say it's better than being cynical. You say guys like bitchy girls. I say I shouldn't have to change who I am to get a boyfriend. Maybe I get hurt too easily. Maybe I'm an "easy target." I think these are just unfortunate consequences of my personality, and that's something I'm willing to live with.

I'm not completely naive. I know that people lie. I know that people take advantage of me. I know that kindness isn't always repaid, and I don't expect it to be. But I don't think I should have to change to fit the glum world we live in, because becoming cold and bitter doesn't make the world better. It only makes it gloomier. It only gives people another reason to be cynical. What the hell is wrong with wanting to rise above that and be happy and honestly try to love people and look for the good in everyone?

There's nothing wrong with that.

Calm Before the Storm

It's lovely outside today. That calm-before-the-storm feeling. The air is nice and cool, with a bit of a sticky undertone. Colors and smells are intensified. The grass is so green, the flowers smell so sweet.

I'm downloading the soundtrack to A Good Year, which I watched over spring break. Amazing movie, and so far an amazing soundtrack. Several French songs, which makes my ears happy.

I like wearing linen.

Spring Blur

Breakfast at Something Brewing. Road trip. Sweet text messages. Drunken fun. Walking around the park. Feeding bloated ducks and geese. Meeting the perfect guy. Making a date. More sweet messages. Sushi and ice cream. Jello shots and more drunken fun. Haircut. Zoo. Being headbutted by a goat. Petting the softest lamb. Being attacked by swans and gorillas. Watching a duck get gang raped. Another road trip. Downtown Lawrence. Beer and smoke. The Big Dipper. Eye doctor. Seeing my dad. Giving out my phone number. Great Plains Nature Center. Watercolors and handmade jewelry. World Market. Provencal Sorbet and China Pear. Text message breakup. Upset, confusion, lots of money spent. More sushi. Wet dog. Pounding nails into the wall with a giant hammer. More Jello shots. Saying goodbye. New clothes, new underwear. Hurtful words. Spending the night crying. Trying to get anyone on the phone. Getting up early. More shopping. Picture frames, a painting, some books, spices. Honeysuckle and Indian jewels. Taco salad. Snowy white cotton fields. Rain. Drunken messages. A scandalous invitation. An awkward introduction. Hot, steamy love. Premonition. Finding out that the perfect guy was not so perfect afterall. Jeopardy, the NCAA tournament, and the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Country Italian. Bronze statues. Old memories tied up in even older houses. A night alone. Laundry. Gardenias. Packing. The final road trip. Hotel sheets. Architects and serial killers. Breakfast at Something Brewing.

Homeward Bound

Well, I'm about to check out of the building, and tomorrow morning I'm leaving for Wichita. I'll be back next Sunday. I don't have the internet at home, so if you need to reach me, you'll have to call me. If you don't have my number, it's on Facebook. If you don't have my number and you're not friends with me on Facebook, you're probably a sketch ass mother fucker and would you please go away? Uh...*awkward turtle*...alright, have a great week everybody!!

Breathe

Eco-Responsibility

So I found some canvas bags online today. I bought 2 of them. They were kinda pricey (15 bucks a pop), but they'll last forever and it's just one more small way in which I can be a part of the solution. Anyway, I got them at a CafePress store that I found through a MySpace profile, and I really like them.

Kermit had it all wrong...it's really not that hard to be green!

I know I say this all the time, but I really love going to the grocery store. Today I bought lots of organic stuff and whole wheat pasta and fake sausage. I felt healthy and earth-friendly. I really want to get some canvas bags to take with me in the future, since I usually just buy a few things at a time. I haven't been throwing away the plastic bags, but I'm getting quite a collection and wish I didn't have so many.

So how much fun would it be to get paid to sail on a Greenpeace ship? Too bad I don't have any "maritime experience."

Daddy's Girl

I ♥ my daddy. I just made a date with him for sometime next week. We're gonna go out to Sierra Hills, an executive course, to play a round of golf some afternoon when the weather's nice. Yesssss. I love Sierra Hills. It's definitely one of my top 3 courses to play (along with Pretty Prairie and Hesston). I'm sure I'll probably suck it up out there...I think it's been almost 2 years since I've played. Although, I usually do my best when I haven't played in a while.

I love fresh air.

Morning Glory

This morning was wonderful. I love waking up earlier than I need to. I mean, yeah, I'd like to get some extra sleep...but I love mornings. I love going to Something Brewing in the morning. Today I went with Laura and Andy and had breakfast on the deck outside. Beautiful morning. They're still doing maintenance on the train tracks, so we there was a nice musical backdrop of those clanging bells as the gates went up and down. We sat around and talked about what we want to do after graduation. I've got a couple of different things in mind:

• find an organization that helps the homeless (like an advocacy group, maybe)
• work for a non-profit that helps low-income families find housing (like Habitat for Humanity)
• work for a company that produces alternative energy (like an ethanol producer or a wind farm)

I just feel like I need to do something meaningful. Even if I end up stuck in the accounting department at one of these places, at least I'm part of a team that's part of the solution.

So...true story: I'm back to being happy. There was a week or so there when I wasn't so happy, but I'm back on top of things. Still homesick, though. I've been writing love letters to my dog...

Wouldn't it be loverly?

Tonight I went out to dinner with Laura and Keisha. I hadn't seen Keisha in a few months, so that was a nice treat. :) Afterwards, we went to Hastings so Laura could rent Stranger Than Fiction, and I ended up buying My Fair Lady and West Side Story. Yeah, I'm such a badass...I spent my tattoo money on freaking musicals. But that's okay...I've decided not to get the tattoo until the last week of March, when Keisha's on spring break (because she wants to come watch).

Today was a better day...I'm still annoyed about a few things, but for the most part I'm trying to just let the small stuff slide.

Blah blah blah

Tonight I cooked for myself for the first time in a really long time. Lately it seems like whenever I cook, I'm cooking for a crowd. And then when it's time to cook for myself, I don't wanna put out so much effort, so I just nuke something in the microwave. But tonight I made some fish and garlic potatoes. Sooooo yummy. And I didn't have to worry about making sure it tasted good to everyone else.

I hope this week goes by really fast.

Dear Max,

I miss you terribly. I'm trying to get started on my work, but I'm so easily distracted by your beautiful pictures. That little nose! Those bushy eyebrows! It's possible that I love you so much because I can't remember how bad you smell. But of course, I loved you even when I could smell you. It makes me want to cry when Mom tells me that you stare at my photo all the time. Sometimes I wonder if we're staring at each other's photos at the same time.

I'm glad you like the clothes I send you. I'm bringing you a present when I come home, a little blue and yellow polo. The collar is backwards, which is something I wish I'd noticed before I bought it. Before I come home, I'll download "Fergalicious" and put it on a CD so we can dance like we used to. And I'll help you pop it again.

I want to take you for a walk when I get home, but you're so bad on the leash. Of course, now that you've gained a little weight, maybe your collar won't be so loose and I won't have to worry about you slipping out of it. Although Xena gets awfully sad when we go for walks without her.

I miss our play fights. I miss you nuzzling my neck. I miss you falling asleep in my lap. Mostly I miss your face and your warm little body. I promise I'll give you a bath and make you some more of those peanut butter bones when I come home. And maybe a batch of those baby food cookies...I think I've got some beef-flavored stuff in the cupboard. They look like dog shit and smell even worse, but I know how much you love them.

I'll be home in less than a week, baby boy.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

That's a philosophy I'm currently having some trouble living by. I feel like people take advantage of me being a nice person...they think they can use my stuff and I'll be cool with it, but I'm not. If I lend you something of mine, don't just go letting someone else borrow it without asking me. I mean, it's not a big deal, but I really hope I get that DVD back before spring break because I was planning to take it home. And if you're going to use my blow dryer, it'd be really nice if you didn't break it. And if you knew you broke it, tell me. Don't just put it back. If I'd known it wasn't working, I'd have bought a new one when I was out running errands. And stop making such a huge mess in the bathroom. Or at least clean it up. I barely have room to brush my teeth, let alone do my hair. Oh wait, I can't do that anyway because my blow dryer is broken.

And as for you...I'm not calling you anymore. I'm not inviting you to do stuff anymore. I know you're busy, and that's probably why you keep saying no, but the thing is...everytime you say no, it reminds me that you rejected me and it feels like it's happening all over again, and I just get upset. As stupid as that may be, that's just the way it's gonna be for a while. Maybe I'll feel better about the situation after I've had a chance to rebound over the break.

And finally you...what happened to you this past week? Getting your heart broken and having a cold doesn't give you an excuse to have a free-for-all. Quit throwing yourself a pity-party and get back to work. It's the only way you'll survive this week.

How you make me feel...

Fools rush in
Where wise men never go
But wise men never fall in love
So how are they to know?
When we met,
I felt my life begin
So open up your heart and let
This fool rush in

Living the High Life

Today I made it to class for the first time since last Thursday. I'm also pretty sure I failed my FinMan test. And I have to do an entire case for CorpStrat tomorrow (including reading the dang thing). Oops.

Life's still pretty good. I bought some new watercolors yesterday, and today I spent over an hour playing around with them. Tomorrow night I'm making lasagna for the first time...and using soy ground beef substitute and a different brand of noodles...I'm a little concerned that it's not gonna turn out quite right, but we'll see. Since I have to use the whole package of the ground beef substitute, I have to make a big pan of the lasagna, so we've invited a ton of people over for dinner. So...yeah...I really hope it turns out...

I'll just leave you with this: