I'm Feeling Very Cozy Because I'm Wearing My Favorite Sweater for the Third Day in a Row

I've worn the same clothes for the past three days. Yes, I know how gross that sounds. But if you add up the number of hours that I've worn them each day, it's really like I've only worn them for one day. At least, that's what I keep telling myself. I also keep telling myself that it's okay to wear sweaters in July.

So I'm buying a pair of lightning bolt earrings. I guess the worst-case scenario is that they make me look like a Harry Potter fangirl. Which, let's face it, I kind of am. I'm also buying the anchor necklace in the picture. For a while now, I've had it stuck in my head that I really need an anchor necklace. I've been searching for one all summer. Seriously...this is what I do.

I've decided to be excited about going back to school. So what if my closest friends have all graduated? So what if I spend a good chunk of my time hating my major? I've still got several great friends at Hendrix...and even though most of them live off-campus, that just means I can devote my time during the week to my classes. And I've got the opportunity to take some really great classes this semester, like Freehand Drawing and Spanish. So although it might not be the best year, I'm determined to make it as good as I can. *cue ultra-determined music*

Stream of Consciousness

I think I'm getting sick. I'm sure I've picked up something from the customers at the store, no matter how many times I clean the place with anti-bacterial wipes and disinfectant. Boo.

On the plus side, I only have to work for two more weeks. Then I'm done!! I'll have a week left at home, to pack and visit my grandparents and maybe actually have a little fun. Then it's back to Arkansas... I really don't know if that's something to be excited about, though.

Earlier today, I washed dishes for probably the first time all summer (or at least since I've been working). It felt good to do something nice for my mom. I know I should do stuff like that all the time, but I don't. I don't even have a good excuse for it, other than being tired, which isn't really a very good excuse at all because my mom is 10x more tired than I am at any given moment.

During my lunch break, I ate some Bagel Bites, which resulted in burning the roof of my mouth. It's now minus a layer of skin in some spots. Yucky. Maybe ice cream will help? God, I'm such a health nut. Bagel Bites for lunch, Taco Bell for dinner, ice cream for dessert. Hey, at least the tacos had some lettuce & tomatoes. And I had yogurt for breakfast.

Okay, now I've gotta do some laundry before I can pass out for the night...

The Birthday Train is Just Around the Bend

It's 2 months until my birthday. When I was still dating Shane, I was hoping that he'd be able to come visit me at school that weekend. I had this whole elaborate birthday weekend planned out in my head. I wanted to go to a nice restaurant for dinner Friday night, then spend Saturday at the River Market in Little Rock. I've never been there, but I've heard great things about it, and my birthday seemed like the perfect opportunity to go there for the first time. I even knew exactly what I was going to wear (I know, I'm a dork).

Anyway, so obviously none of that is going to happen now. I don't really know what to expect for my birthday. I guess, in a way, it's good to have low expectations now, so that I'm not disappointed when my birthday actually rolls around.

The Drama Queen Strikes Again

I just got home from taking Xena to the vet. What an ordeal! First she tried to jump out of the window on the way there. In the waiting room, she almost got in a fight with a Siberian husky named Aztec. In the exam room, she sat on the bench with my mom & me, instead of on the floor. When it was time to put her on the table to be examined, it took like 3 people to lift her. She made so much noise, every single employee in the building came to see what was going on. I mean, she made noises I've never heard before! It was crazy. The vet said next time we bring her in, we need to give her a sedative first.

Now she's passed out on the floor next to me, sweet as can be.

Rain, rain, don't go away...

I feel like I get a day off tomorrow, even though I'm actually closing the store. I love it when I don't have to go in until 7 pm.

I loved all of the rain we got today. At the store where I work, the entire front end is lined with glass windows, looking out into the parking lot. I spent a lot of time just watching it go from barely sprinkling to an absolute downpour. It made me wanna come home, put on a sweater, watch an old movie, and knit a sock. Of course by the time I did get home, the rain had stopped, and so I did none of these things.

Tonight I remembered how much I love this picture of Xena:


When I came home from work, I discovered that sometime this afternoon she ripped out a bunch of the foam padding from the box springs on my bed. Now it's all over my bedroom floor, but I don't think I'll have the energy to pick it up until tomorrow.

I love Fiona Apple.

Tired...

Yesterday was quite A Day at work. We had some interesting customers, most of whom had apparently gotten up on the wrong side of the bed. And the new security guard insinuated that I might marry the security guard who was picking on me the other day.

Today it's raining. I'm hoping that my dream will come true & this will result in nobody coming to the store. But with my luck, we'll be twice as busy as usual.

I wish it were October.

Lots of Things for You to Click

Today I put a photo of myself into the MyHeritage database to find out what celebrities I look the most like. I was feeling extremely flattered when I read that my photo was a 66% match with Elisha Cuthbert...until I found out that I'm also a 52% match with Eddie Murphy and a 49% match with Margaret Cho. Say what now?? Yeah...

Other than that, it's been a pretty decent day. I found a copy of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? at Target, and then I bought some Rainier cherries at Dillons (where I also spent almost a third of my paycheck on 7 pills that make me bloated, 7 pills that make me cry, 7 pills that make me a robot, and 7 pills that don't do a darn thing AND found out that my patient information hasn't been updated since I was like 8 years old).

K, I promise I'm done with links for a while. Maybe.

Feeling Blue-ish

Today I'm returning a picture frame I bought. It was Marine-themed, and I was going to put a picture of Shane in it. I'm exchanging it for a friend-themed frame. I guess it's kind of symbolic...friends are the ones you can really count on, the ones who will always be there, blah blah blah. The whole thing kind of makes me sad, though.

This has been a really rotten summer for me. I've gone to two movies and one concert, and those are the only fun things I've done the entire time I've been home. I feel like I had a lot more planned for the summer...going to Joyland, taking pictures of Tyler & Jessica, eating lots of sushi. And it's not that I've been so ridiculously busy with work. I usually work 20-30 hours per week, and I always have at least one day off. Sometimes I have two or three. Anyway, this is kind of a crappy way to spend my last real "summer vacation."

Okay, so I'm not in the best mood today. Maybe it's because I'm about to go drop almost a third of my paycheck on birth control.

Goal #1

So one of my new goals is to stop thinking about the future. That probably seems at odds with trying to get my life on track, but stay with me here for a second. I spend a lot of time in my head, thinking about random things. I daydream about my future a lot, but I never spend any time thinking about how I'm going to get there. I dwell on the future, but pay very little attention to what I'm doing at the present. Like today in the shower...I was thinking about being 40 and married with 4 kids and living in an old farmhouse in Connecticut, like it's just going to suddenly happen if I snap my fingers.

So Goal #1 is to focus on what's happening in my life right now. Worry about finishing school & getting a decent job so maybe someday I can afford that old farmhouse in Connecticut. Enjoy every single day now, so that when I'm 40 and have 4 kids I'm not craving a second chance to be a carefree twentysomething. I think this is going to be a lot harder for me than it sounds, just because I've been like this my whole life.

Portraits

Over the past 6 months or so, I've gotten sort of into portrait photography. So far I've only had the opportunity to take pictures of friends, but it's given me quite a bit of practice. Today I'd like to share some of my favorite portraits that I've taken (click to enlarge):

Some Thoughts on Being Cheerful

Tonight at work I met my match: a man so enthusiastic about homemade cherry limeades, we thought he must be off his meds. At first I thought he was crazy, but then I realized he was just like me...outrageously friendly & cheerful. He even said, "That'd be awesome!" when I asked him if plastic was alright.

My coworkers were laughing at him & calling him nuts. It kind of made me wonder if people react that way to me sometimes. People are always asking me why I'm "so cheerful" or telling me I'm "too nice." But what's "too nice"? Should I start being mean or grumpy? Okay, so lately I've been kinda down in the dumps, and ya know what? It's not fun. I don't even like being around myself when I'm sad. Tonight I felt like my old self again...smiling at everyone, bubbly as can be. It was a good feeling.

I know my cheerfulness rubs people the wrong way sometimes, but I don't like being the Sad Girl. And I won't be the Sarcastic/Cynical Girl. So cheerful is what they get, and I don't think it's so bad.

A Few of My Favorite Things

I thought I'd share a few of my favorite photos that I've taken over the past year (click to enlarge).

A little bit about me...Okay, so it's actually my entire life story.

I don't know if anybody's reading this. I sort of hope not. But just in case, I guess I should tell the world a little bit about myself.

I was born on a Saturday night in late September 1984. Everyone wanted my mom to have a boy, but she secretly hoped for a girl. She wanted to name me Amelia, but I guess my dad didn't like that, so they named me Whitney. I've never really liked my name, even though people are always telling me how beautiful it is. Anyway, my dad had been married once before, so when I was born I already had 2 siblings--Mike, who was 16, and Tracey, who was almost 14. Because they're both so much older, I've never been very close to either of them. When I was 2, my mom gave birth to my younger brother, Tyler. At the time, I really hated her for it.

So Tyler & I grew up in a house on the south side of town, across the street from the house where our mother grew up. Mom was always stressed out; Dad was always playing golf. There were a lot of boys our age in the neighborhood, but no girls. I spent a lot of time alone when I was a kid, and I got used to it. I learned to use my imagination & be creative. I colored, read books, played with dolls, etc. I think it's because of this that I really enjoy & cherish my solitude now. It's how I relax and recharge my batteries.

When I was 12, my parents split up. Within the year, my dad got remarried, and I gained 4 step-siblings. Even though that was 8 years ago, I'm still trying to adjust to my new family. Mostly I feel like instead of growing, my family has gotten smaller...it's just me, Tyler, and Mom. And even though Tyler still lives at home, most of the time I feel like he's been absorbed into his girlfriend's family. Holidays don't seem to mean anything around here anymore. We don't even have a dining room table anymore. I can't help but feel like my family has fallen apart.

In school, I always excelled. I switched schools a lot (for various reasons), so I got pretty good at making new friends. Academically, I did well, and my teachers always liked me. School was my thing. I even graduated valedictorian in high school. Then college came along, and I don't know what happened...suddenly, friends seemed more important than school. The classes I took were in subjects I wasn't very good at, and I lost a lot of confidence in my abilities. Since then, I've sort of given up at being The Best. I've found something I'm reasonably good at (accounting), but I absolutely hate it. I'm only sticking with it so I can get a job when I graduate.

I had my first boyfriend when I was 13. It was a silly little 2-week thing, but he was my best friend and it was my first kiss, so of course I thought it was Love. After it ended, I was absolutely heart-broken for about 3 days. No more blips on the love radar until the end of my freshman year of college, when I made out with a drunk friend who had absolutely no interest in me beyond that night. Another dry spell. Then in April of this year, after getting so stinking drunk at a friend's birthday party that I jumped (fully-clothed) in a fountain, I had my first Random Hookup With A Stranger. A couple weeks later, at another friend's birthday party, I flirted with a guy I barely knew. That blossomed into a lovely little 2-week affair, during which I finally gave up my V-Card. I didn't love him, I think he barely even liked me, and I sort of regret the whole thing. I came home for the summer, dated a guy for a couple weeks, and quickly lost interest after I broke down in tears during a very dissatisfying sexual encounter.

Then I met Shane, who seemed like the guy I'd always dreamed about finding. It really felt like magic. He told me I was beautiful, and said that he loved me, and he talked about our future together. He seemed so sincere when he was saying these things. I really believed that I could (and would) spend the rest of my life with him. Things seemed to be falling perfectly into place. Then I got an email from his other girlfriend. Honestly, I'd had my suspicions while we were dating, which is why I believed her. But the relationship ended so abruptly that I was absolutely heart-broken, even though I knew he was a liar and a scumbag. I still find myself wishing it were him everytime the phone rings, but I know I'm just missing the person I thought he was.

So I guess that brings us to the present. I'm going back to school in about a month. I guess I don't really know what to expect this year. Most of my friends graduated back in May, and several others are living off-campus this year. My only real friends left on campus will be my roommate and her boyfriend. I suppose life will revert back to the way it used to be...I'll spend a lot of time alone, forcing me to focus on school to pass the time. Maybe it'll help me get my life back on track.

First Post

Okay, so, this is my new journal. I've got a LiveJournal, which I've been keeping for over 3 years now, but it's not very private. True, it's "friends only," but sometimes that's exactly who I don't want to read my entries. I mean, who cares if random strangers on the internet read about my life? I don't. Not really, anyway. I hold so much back in my LJ because I don't want my friends & family to know how I feel, but I can't keep it all bottled up all the time. It's starting to drive me crazy. So I'm doing this.

So what's going on with me lately? Well, I'm not very good with analogies, but here goes nothing:

If you were to compare my life to a boat on the ocean, then my life has been pretty smooth sailing. Calm, clear waters. Maybe a few small waves every now & then, but nothing major to upset the boat. Sometime over the past few months, however, a little hole has worn into the bottom of the boat, and water's been leaking in. I'm trying my best to bail it out, but it's not working. Water just keeps pouring in, and I feel like I'm drowning. Drowning in what, I'm not sure... Emotion? Experience? Whatever it is, I'm not ready for it. I'm scared. I feel like this is my test, and I'm failing. Bottom line...when it comes to life, I lose.

I'm about to start my last year of college, and then I'm out on my own. The thought of that scares me so much that I was briefly engaged to an almost total stranger. Thank God I found out that he was a lying, cheating scumbag before I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Seriously though...am I so unprepared for life that I would rather marry the wrong guy than try to take care of myself for a change?

I don't know the answer to these questions. I'm hoping that by keeping this blog, I'll be able to work it all out for myself.