So Tired...

I've been up for about 20 hours. I had completely & totally planned to go to bed by midnight tonight, but life had other plans. Although most people left by 9, the party didn't really wind down until after midnight, by which point I was a little bit drunk. I ended up walking around campus with Laura, Shawn, and Andrew for a while, then we came back here & tried to watch a movie. Around 2, everyone was gone. I could've gone to bed for a few hours...except that I still hadn't packed, and the common room was a huge mess. Well, it's after 3 now, and the common room is clean and all of my dishes are washed. My dad should be here in about 5 hours. I probably only have 1-2 hours of work to do, but then I'll need to spend an hour getting ready. I guess I'll pass the rest of the time watching TV or something.

On the one hand, staying up this late is really stupid. On the other hand, if I sleep the whole time, the car ride will go by reeeeeeally fast, and I won't have to really talk to my dad & stepmom. Let's just cross our fingers that they won't want to do any kind of shopping in the morning, because I figure I need to make it home by 4:30 if I want to go to the Humane Society to get a dog.

Oh, and the party was a huuuuuuuuge success. There wasn't really much left over...just little bits of stuff, which I ended up throwing away. The peanut brittle didn't turn out, but I also made white chocolate-covered pretzels sprinkled with red & green sugar, muddy buddies (a.k.a. puppy chow), and Chex mix. And then I bought chips & dip, candy canes, and soda at Wal-Mart. And we heated up the rest of the apple cider Ariane bought last weekend. Anyway, I think pretty much everyone had a good time. I know I did. :)

OMG STRESS...and lots of cursing

I'm so effing steamed right now! I've got a final tomorrow morning, and I didn't get to leave work until about 10 minutes after my shift ended. Now, I'm gonna wind up getting less than 6 hours of sleep before a motherfucking final. And one of my "friends" was one of the people who kept us there so goddamn late. I mean, come on people...the excuse that you "lost track of time" doesn't fly with me. When a student worker comes by and says that we're closing in 10 minutes, you should FUCKING PACK UP YOUR STUFF AND GET THE FUCK OUT! Don't keep studying! You know, WE don't get to leave until YOU leave. There are MANY other places you can study. Have a little consideration for your fellow students who ALSO have finals. You're not the only person on the goddamn planet who has a final tomorrow. You're not the only person who needs to pass her classes.

Also...STOP COMPLAINING about doing poorly on the 15 different assignments you have for a class. If you've had that many chances to do well and you're STILL failing, FUCK YOU. International Economics isn't just the hardest class I've ever taken...it's arguably the hardest class at this school. Several professors have looked at Dr. Scott's tests and said that they look like GRADUATE-LEVEL, OPEN-BOOK tests. Normally, kids in IE would have three grades. But does my class? No, because we all failed the first test. So instead of curving it like a DECENT HUMAN BEING, and probably ALL OF THE OTHER PROFESSORS AT HENDRIX, Dr. Scott just fucking throws it out. So then you're down to TWO MOTHERFUCKING GRADES. And I just happened to be lucky enough to get a fucking 47% on the next exam. I've been working on the corrections for the past THREE GODDAMN DAYS, and I'm still only TWO THIRDS through it. And even though I'm pretty much KILLING MYSELF to get it done, the highest I can end up with on that test is a 72 MOTHERFUCKING PERCENT! And let's not talk about our "take-home final"...I've barely even had a chance to look at it yet. In theory, I'm supposed to turn in both of these things tomorrow. And I would FUCKING LOVE to do that! Do you honestly think I want to take this shit home with me? GOD NO! I WANT TO BE DONE WITH IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW! But I just don't have the time.

Sorry about all of the anger...I just really needed to get it all out before going to bed, or else it was going to keep me up all night.

Maybe He'll Be Mine??

The Humane Society added new puppies to their website this afternoon. I hope this little guy is still there when I go on Saturday:


He's a 4-year old poodle mix named Diogy (if I can get him to go by a different name, I'm definitely changing it). I'm not so attached to this one as I was to the CKCS...I just don't have the emotional capacity for that...but I do love his little face, and the website said that he's good on a leash and under 20 lbs, which is pretty much perfect for me because I'm planning to take my pup for lots of walks. He also looks less prissy than the CKCS, so he'll be a better playmate for Xena and Harley. Anyway, crossing fingers again...

The Upside

Alright, so I'm not getting the CKCS puppy... Apparently, he was a lost dog, and his owners reclaimed him this morning. Granted, I don't know the situation, but I feel that dogs run away because they're not happy or because their owners are irresponsible. So on the one hand, I know I should be happy that these people have their dog back, but at the same time I can't help but feel like maybe they don't really deserve him. Anyway...my mom said that we'd go back to the Humane Society when I get home Saturday afternoon, and if I fall in love with another puppy I can get it. She also said she'd ask her friend Shonda about the pug she's getting and how much it costs. So...even though I didn't end up getting that puppy, I might still get a puppy.

I've been working on the corrections to that econ test I failed, and it's going soooooo slooooooooowly. I emailed Dr. Scott to see if I could just take the final home with me (it's a take-home), do it over the weekend, and mail it to him next week. Thank God he said yes... I'm about 2/3rds done with the rework of the last exam, plus I've still gotta study for my Spanish final (which is tomorrow morning), pack, clean my room, and make all that crap for the party tomorrow night. Aaaaaaagh.

Dear God,

I think you're a big ol' meanie. It wasn't just pure dumb luck that I happened to go to the Humane Society's website yesterday. It wasn't just a coincidence that they happened to have a picture of the most beautiful dog in the world, the exact dog I've been wanting for years. No, it was fate. It was absolutely meant to be. You wanted me to see that dog. You wanted me to fall in love with his big brown eyes and the rust-colored freckles on his snout. You wanted me to waste hours trying to come up with the perfect name. You wanted me to get really, really excited.

Just so you could take it all away...

Puppy Love

Omigod, okay, so, I just checked the Humane Society's website, and they updated it this morning, and he's still there!! I called my mom's cell phone and left her a message letting her know. So hopefully she'll go this afternoon...

I've decided to call him Hamlet. Or Gus.

edit:
I just talked to my mom, and I'm about 99.9% sure that she's gonna go to the Humane Society today. So as long as he doesn't get adopted in the next few hours...he's mine!! *still crossing fingers*

Update, yo!

Well, I talked to my mom again, and I made my case for little Lancelot...and at first she said we'd go to the Humane Society when I get home, and if he's still there, I can have him. But then I told her that since I won't get home until late Saturday afternoon, and since they're probably closed on Sunday (and then she told me they're also closed on Monday), we wouldn't be able to go until Tuesday. And by Tuesday, I'm sure he'll be gone, if he's not gone already (although as of yesterday, when their website was last updated, he was still there). So she said..."I'll think about it." Now, in normal parentspeak, that means no. But coming from my mom, it usually means yes. Sooooo...I'm trying not to get my hopes up, because even if she decides to get him and goes to the Humane Society tomorrow, he could already be gone...but it's at least looking better for me. I even bought him a little stuffed octopus at Target tonight (and if I don't get him, I'll just give the toy to Xena or Harley).

Anyway, I bought ornaments tonight. I got a Luke Skywalker & Yoda ornament for Michael, a Little Mermaid ornament for Ariane, a dark red glass heart wrapped with gold musical bars for Abby (for the Secret Santa thing), a set of 4 blue glittery snowflakes, and a mouth-blown glass "two peas in a pod" ornament for myself (well, and Michael...I figured we could start a tradition of getting a couples ornament every year).

I haven't been so productive today. I'm hoping to get a good bit of my economics thing done at work tonight. I'm a little stuck on one problem right now, but if I still have that problem tonight then I'll just skip it or start working on the take-home final.

I think I just died a little...

This little guy just stole my heart:


I hate this... Okay, so here's a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel purebred, available for adoption at the Kansas Humane Society. This is the kind of dog I've been wanting for the past like 5 years, ever since our cocker spaniel died. It's the kind of dog I knew I'd never have because I'd only be able to get it from a breeder, and it would cost $1000+. But here's one...at the Humane Society...which only costs like 120 bucks. But will my mom get it for me? No. Why? Because I won't be home until Saturday, and even when I do come home I'm going to be working, and she doesn't have the time to take care of a dog. This is such bullshit! Back when we had Brutus, she STILL let Tyler get Xena. So we had 2 freaking rottweilers at once. And she knew Tyler wouldn't take care of them. Who did? Who trained Xena? Oh, that's right, I did. I mean, if Tyler had seen this dog at the Humane Society, fallen in love with it, and called Mom up to ask if he could get it...she would crumble like a motherfuckin' cookie and say yes. But for me...not so much.

I mean, I knew it was a long shot to even ask...but still... Heart=broken.

Shit I Gots to Do

Schedule for the rest of the week:

Tuesday (today):

• Laundry
• Clean room
  
• Start rework of econ test
• Knit

Wednesday:

• Pack
• Shop
• Change schedule for next semester
  
• Finish rework of econ test

Thursday:

• Make pretzels, peanut brittle
• Start econ final
• Study for Spanish final

Friday:

• Make Chex mix, muddy buddies
• Finish & turn in econ final
  
• Take Spanish final
• Get everything ready for party

Yeah...that's a lot. And here's other stuff I have to do at some point during the next four days:

• Make a list of everything I can't forget to take home (stereo, ornaments, camera charger, etc.)
• Make a couple of playlists
• Update my iPod (and charge it)
• Blah blah blahhhhhhhhhh

Pretty Betty

I just spent the last 3 and a half hours baking. I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies and a double-batch of peanut butter cookies. I'm pretty much swimming in cookies. I'm taking them to my economics thing (in about 45 minutes), then I'll take whatever's left to the library during my shift tonight. So if you want cookies, you know where to be!

Today my mom got me this for Christmas. Yay!! I'm getting quite the little collection of Vera Bradley stuff.

P.S. I'm becoming completely addicted to Dr. Pepper.

P.P.S. Today I found out that I got an A in Freehand Drawing, so that means I'm getting 3 A's this semester!! Which means that even with a C in International Economics, I'll still have a 3.5 GPA!!!! Which means that my overall GPA is actually going up!!!!!!! Yeah, I'm a wee bit excited, yo.

♥

I talked to Michael, and everything's all good now.

I ♥ that boy.

Longest Rant Everrrrrrrrr!

I'm not having a very good weekend. I've been feeling so uncertain about my relationship with Michael, and having doubts about the future, but I haven't been able to talk to him about it because we've both been busy.

Friday night I went to a "party" at somebody's apartment...but, just like everytime I forget why I hate going over there, it was less a party and more just random people I didn't know sitting around playing video games. And this time they were smoking weed. Obviously, I didn't stay very long.

I didn't get out of bed until about 1 o'clock yesterday afternoon. I wasn't sleeping that whole time, but I did probably get about 10 hours of sleep. I guess I needed it, because I slept for a long time today too. I think I might be coming down with a cold. I keep sneezing and coughing up gross stuff. Yeah, I know you really wanted to know that...

Yesterday I was so excited when Laura told me that Patrick was gonna call her when he got off work at 10:30. Like, ridiculously excited. I really like Patrick, but I haven't seen him since the night of the Sadie Hawkins dance, way back in October. Anyway, Laura said something about going to the poetry slam, and I didn't really want to go because 1) I'm not so much into poetry, and 2) it didn't start until 10, and Patrick was supposed to call at 10:30. But Laura said we could just stay for a little bit and then go hang out with Patrick. I really didn't know how long this poetry slam was supposed to last...I was thinking maybe an hour or so. Yeah effing right. At 10:40, the actual competition hadn't even started yet, but I guess Laura talked to Patrick during the little break and he decided to come to the poetry slam. Alright, so he shows up a little bit later, and sits next to Laura, who wasn't sitting all that close to me. Long story short, a little bit before midnight, Patrick decided to leave. I left a few minutes later. Anyway, I was a bit ticked off about the whole thing because she knew how much I wanted to hang out with him, and she said we would only stay at the poetry slam for a little while, and...whatever. I'm over it.

I also had a bit of a fight with my mom last night. I don't even remember how it got started. We were talking about Christmas traditions, and I said something about how we don't have traditions in our family anymore, not since my parents got divorced. But I don't blame her for that, and I told her that. I mean, I understand that she works a lot more now and that her work is a lot more physically demanding. But apparently she thinks I don't realize this, so she started pointing it all out. Then she started talking about how she thinks of traditions as something you keep with your family, and she doesn't really feel like we have a family. Or something like that. Honestly, at this point, I was kind of tuning her out. I don't think she understands how upset I am about the fact that I really don't have a family. I have family members, but we can't ever seem to get it together. And I'm scared...I'm scared that when I have my own family, it's going to be the same way because I don't know how a family is supposed to be. My mom's family is so fucked up...somebody's always out. And it's not even always the same person! It changes all the time. And my dad's family...they don't even talk to each other. I mean, they get along, but they never talk because person A has this attitude that person B is supposed to call them, but person B feels like person A should call them first. So nobody ever calls anybody unless someone is literally dying. They see each other at graduations, weddings, and funerals. It's not a family.

So what happens when you take a family that's constantly embroiled in civil war and mix it with a family full of stubborn passive-aggressives? Well, other than a divorce, you get what I've got... I'm the only one who talks to my dad on a regular basis. I try to make excuses for my older siblings, that they've got their own families now and they're busy, but I mean really...shouldn't any member of your family always be a top priority? But I guess I shouldn't complain about that too much...at least Mike is talking to Dad again. They went YEARS without speaking to each other, and nobody even really knew why. They were both just too stubborn to pick up the phone and apologize. My dad missed Mike's wedding and the births of two daughters. And even with them talking again, I don't think my dad really cared with Mike's third daughter was born. And then there's Tracey...I cut her even more slack because she lives a few hours away. But her mom lives in Wichita, and she comes down ALL THE TIME to see her. Why can't she ever pop in to say hi to Dad? And Tyler doesn't talk to Dad much anymore...right now he's pissed because Dad didn't call him back one time, so he didn't call Dad to wish him a happy birthday last week. I can just see that relationship deteriorating into the one Dad had with Mike for all those years...

I'm not saying that Dad is blameless in all of this. The attitude he has about calling his siblings is the same one he has about calling his kids. He hasn't been the best dad in the world, either. He's difficult to talk to. He's not very supportive, especially if you want to do something he disagrees with. I make excuses for him, too...he didn't really have a dad growing up, so maybe he just doesn't know how to be one. And he's not a warm-fuzzy person.

My mom is wonderful. I get along great with her. She's always there for me, and I can talk to her about anything. But one person does not an entire family make. Not for me, anyway. Not when I know I've got other family.

Okay...enough whining...this crummy mood is ruining "Nigella Feasts" for me. And the whole episode is devoted to desserts. She's making cupcakes now!!

Arg.

So the fudge turned out really tasty, but not as solid as I would've liked. I also made chocolate chip cookies last night...I didn't bake the first batch quite long enough, so they turned out really doughy, but the rest turned out perfectly.

This isn't something I would normally write about in here, because I don't think it's really anybody's business, but I just need to get it out. Relationships can be so frustrating. I love Michael, but the long-distance thing makes having any kind of relationship really hard. And lately he's been acting kind of distant, but I can't tell if it's because something's wrong or he's just busy. I've asked him if something's wrong, and he said no, but it's hard to know if he's telling the truth or just saying that, because he's not here. And I've been getting some attention from a few different guys this week, and I have to say it's pretty tempting at times... Usually the emotional connection I have with Michael is enough for me, but right now I feel like I'm getting nothing...so why not at least get some temporary physical lovin'? Well, other than the fact that I'm not too fond of the idea of becoming a whore...I don't want to throw away everything I've got with Michael. I would never cheat on him...I really do love him. I'm just really frustrated with the situation right now.

I need to do some laundry today.

Christmas Fantasy Fudge, a la Jackson Pollock

I made fudge for the first time ever. Yessssssss.

47%

I just found out that I very much failed the economics test I took on Monday.

Snowflakesssssssss!!!!

It's snowing at home today. The windchill there right now is 1. One degree. Yeah. Absolutely freezing. I wanna be there!!!!!!!!!!! Instead, I'm here, where it's 48 (windchill is 43). We're supposed to get a "wintry mix" this evening, but I'm pretty sure that just means freezing rain.

Anyway, I'm pretty much done right now. Well, I've still got 2 classes that I have to go to (Spanish and economics), and I've got my Spanish final a week from tomorrow (sooooooo easy) and then a take-home final for econ. But then I'll be back home in about 9 days! So flippin' excited about that, yo.

Tonight Laura & I are going to the Candlelight Carol Service. I can't believe it's my senior year, and I've never been! She hasn't either, which is why we got tickets this year. I'm really excited about it! I've heard the choir's excellent.

Finally Finished!!

Alright, so I just finished my final for drawing (which is good, because it's due in about 11 hours). It looks kinda wonky pinned up like this, but I think I'm gonna leave it up on the wall until I go to class because maybe it'll help it keep its shape. Anyway, I'll write more about it later (especially the symbolism behind the squares) , but here's a picture for now:

Awwwwww

Today a baby fell asleep in my arms. It was pretty much the best feeling ever.

Pop Pop Bang Bang

Pretty sure I failed my economics test this afternoon, but Dr. Scott said something about letting me take it home & rework it for more points later. And that's how you pull out a mercy C.

I finished knitting all of the squares for my art project, and now I'm just sewing them all together. Then all I've gotta do is knit & sew together the border. I'd like to get it all done by tomorrow afternoon so I can spend tomorrow night finishing up my sketchbook. Then, at 2 o'clock Wednesday afternoon, I will officially be done with Freehand Drawing! And I'm done with Art History, but I'm still going to class because I like Dr. Miller and we've started learning about the Renaissance. I've got 2 days (plus an extra out-of-class meeting) of International Economics, then a take-home final. Four days left of Spanish, then the final. And then...the semester will fiiiiiiiinally be OVER! Yeah, I'm excited.

This morning I had a little time to kill before Spanish, so I took a few pictures. I really like the way this one turned out, and it's the one I'm having framed for my mom for Christmas:

She Bangs, She Bangs

So I got a new haircut. A thinned-out, slightly-layered bob + bangs. Inspired by one Ms. Britney Spears. Check it.

Family Portraits

Goodbye Home

So I'm going back to school tomorrow morning. It's been an eventful break. I got about $500 worth of new clothes, 5 Christmas ornaments, and some baking stuff. Today I made perfect cookies...peanut butter with Hershey Kisses on top! And I got my hair cut. I'm absolutely in love with it...it's a BIG change, and it's probably the only time ever that my hair has turned out exactly the way I wanted it. I'll take & post some pictures when I get back to school.

Thanksgiving was good...I had the biggest tummy ache ever when we were done, and I pretty much passed out in my grandparents' basement for a couple of hours.

Anyway, I'd better post this before the computer crashes & I lose the whole thing (like I did the other day).

Laura + Moby

And by last time I update, I meant that I'm going to update at least once more. Today Laura came over & I took pictures of her and her adooooooorable lab, Moby. Here are my 2 faves (the b&w is the one she's submitting for her senior picture in the yearbook):

Soooooooooo Close!!

Got a lot done yesterday. I've only been up for about 2 and a half hours, and I've already accomplished a bit (I read the chapter for tomorrow's Art History test). Now I'm just snacking on some popcorn to tide me over until we go out to dinner at 3-ish. And watching Food Network to kill time until Laura's ready to go do pictures.

I'm pretty much done packing, with the exception of all the stuff I'm going to need to use before I leave (toothbrush, shampoo. etc). Go me!

Okay, so I'm watching Barefoot Contessa, and Ina Garten is stuffing a couple of cornish hens. OH MY GOD...dead, featherless, decapitated birds are SO EFFIN' CREEPY!! She stood them up to shove the stuffing up their butts, and I swear to God they looked like they were gonna start walking across the countertop. Eww and gross.

Alright, this will probably be one of the last times I update for about a week. Tyler's computer is still on the fritz, so I will be internet-less while I'm at home. I hope everyone has a fantastic holiday!!

Work Schedule

I just got my work schedule, and...it's not bad at all!! I'm working 6-10 Tuesday morning and 7-11 Friday morning. My dad said they also needed someone from 10 am until 1 pm on Thursday, but I told him that I really couldn't do that because I'm going to my grandparents' house that afternoon for dinner. And even though we're probably not going to Grandma & Grandpa's until later in the afternoon, working 10-1 would mean my mom would have to leave the house while cooking to come pick me up...and I don't think that's such a good idea, ya know?

I feel really pretty today. Glow-y. The past few days, I've been blowdrying my hair and putting on makeup...it really makes a huge difference, I think.

Last night I cleaned my room (my side of it, anyway) and did almost all of my packing. Today I'm going to finish up my drawing midterm & email a photo of it to my professor (since I won't be in class on Monday). Tonight I'm making dinner for Laura & myself, then we're going to see the play. Look at me, being all productive & shit.

New Knitting Project!!

I just ordered yarn for a new project for myself. I'm going to knit a scarf with this yarn that I used for one of the squares in the blanket I'm knitting for my art project. It's GGH Esprit, a very soft & fuzzy nylon yarn. I'm doing skinny stripes of beige and teal. I haven't knitted a scarf in a really long time, and I think this will look nice with my peacoat. I'm having the yarn sent to my house, so if I get my art project done during the break, I can probably work on the scarf during the car ride back to school. Well anyway, I'll work on it eventually. Mostly I just don't feel like spending 8 years searching for the scarves I already have. And by that, I mean I don't feel like spending 30 seconds walking out to the garage because I actually know exactly where my scarves are. Uh...anyway, the yarn is really soft, and I want to wear it.

I'll post pictures when it's done, yo.

Post #93 (A Tale of Unhappiness)

I was really hoping (and expecting) next week to be a nice, relaxing break at home. But it's not looking so good right now. I'm working. I'm shopping. I'm seeing movies. I'm finishing my art project. I'm studying for my economics test. I'm visiting people. I'm taking pictures. I'm doing 8 million goddamn things when all I want to do is curl up in bed with my dog and take a really long nap.

I'm just coasting right now. Running on empty. I've got a constant headache (mostly thanks to a certain person who feels the need to add the word "bleque" to the end of every sentence). I'm extremely cranky. I don't feel like doing anything except sleeping, but when I finally get to go to bed at 2 in the morning, I can't seem to fall asleep. I just want to go home, but this week is dragging on foreverrrrrrrrrrr. And every time I think about it, all I can do is cry.

This has been the semester from hell. Not because my classes have been hard (other than International Economics, which has been a living nightmare)...it's just life. Life has been hard. I guess that's just the way things are...

edit:
Okay, I just made things a little bit better by sending myself a present. I bought the Lily Allen CD and the Care Bears Nutcracker DVD. Maybe an odd combination...maybe not. Anyway, it stopped the crying just a little bit.

Almost There

Four days. In about 97 hours, I'll be on the road, heading for home sweet home. Tomorrow I should find out my work schedule for next week. Man, if that wasn't the biggest mistake I've ever made! But at least it should only be a few hours each morning, and the store should be pretty busy, so the time will fly by. In theory, anyway.

There's a ton of stuff that I need to do this weekend. My to-do list:

• Clean my room. Especially my desk & my dresser. It's not that I don't want my mom to see my messiness...it's that I don't want to come back to it after the break.
• Finish my drawing midterm & send a picture of it to Professor Bailin. Otherwise, hello F. And that wouldn't be good.
• Work on my sketchbook for drawing.
• Get rid of those leftovers from our Thanksgiving dinner. I figure if nobody's eaten them by Sunday, I'm tossing them. I don't want to come back to rotting food.
• Make a list of everything I want/need to take home with me (MY SNEAKERS), and start packing or something.
• Study for my art history test.

Yeah, so that's quite a bit of stuff to get done in the next 3 days, but at least it'll keep me busy. Otherwise, I'm probably gonna go nuts waiting for my mom to get here.

:(

So close to being able to go home, but it still feels so far away. And I don't think I'm going to want to come back, but when do I ever? I love my friends (well, some of them), but I hate being here. And I don't think people really understand that. It's an effort to get out of bed and go to class everyday. Not because I'm depressed, just because it all seems so pointless.

In 15 minutes, I'm supposed to go to a review session for my econ test. It's raining, and I'm not feeling well, and I really don't want to go. Last time we had one of these things, it lasted about 2 and a half hours.

I hate my life right now...

It's Raining, It's Pouring

I think that when it's raining like it is right now, getting out of bed in the morning should be optional. Anyone out there thinking maybe that old man bumped his head on purpose??

A Few Pictures From Today

Cutest little girl ever, playing dress up:


















Our feast!!
















Laura's place card:








Me & my yummmmmmy pie:

Seasons Eatings

I'm really pumped about the big Thanksgiving dinner we're having Tuesday night. I plan to start cooking when I get out of class at 2:30. I hadn't realized how much food we're going to have until I wrote out a list of everything at work tonight...it's going to be a real feast! We're having:

• Turkey with gravy (It's a frozen turkey loaf thing, not a real actual turkey...but it takes 2 hours to bake in the oven! The pie also takes about 2 hrs to set up in the refrigerator, which is why I'm starting the whole cooking process at 2:30. Plus I want to make sure we have the kitchen for the night, so a repeat of last Thursday doesn't happen...arg.)
• Mashed potatoes & gravy (The gravy's from a packet, but the potatoes will be 100% made from scratch, bitches.)
• Stuffing (Ariane's making this...I probably won't eat any because I don't really like stuffing, but it wouldn't really be Thanksgiving without stuffing, would it?)
• Green bean casserole (Another thing Ariane's making, and this actually is something I like. A lot!!)
• Cornbread (The third thing Ariane is making. Yummmmmmm!! If she weren't making this, I'd make a corn casserole.)
• Cranberry sauce (From a can, people. I don't work magic. But I am planning to cut it into cute little leaf shapes with some cookie cutters Ariane bought earlier this semester.)
• PUMPKIN DREAM PIE!!! (Okay, so I hope this turns out alright. I've never made it before. It's tradition in my family, though, so I guess I'd better get to learning how to make it.)

Yeah, we're gonna be effing stuffed. Hello 10 lbs. After the break (possibly the night of December 8th), I really want to have a Christmas party. I've spent so much on groceries this semester, and I'm planning a really nice present for my mom, so I don't really have money to spend on presents for my friends. So I thought we could throw a little party, listen to music, play games, whatever...and that could be our celebration, instead of giving each other presents. Anyway, I figured instead of having a big meal, we could just have big bowls of snacks. I came up with a few ideas at work tonight:

• White chocolate covered pretzels (I love making these)
  
• Chex mix (homemade, of course!)
• Spiced edamame (there's a recipe in the cookbook I bought the other day)
• Brown butter, rosemary, & lemon popcorn
• Hot chocolate
• Cinnamon coffee (I bought a bag a couple weeks ago, but I still haven't made any of it yet)

I'm trying to come up with some other ideas...maybe chips & dip or something. Perhaps some puppy chow/muddy buddies (Chex coated in chocolate, peanut butter, & powdered sugar). We'll see. :)

A New Look

Alright, I switched to a new template. I don't know if I love it, but it's got the little links on the sidebar, which I really wanted.

One week until I get to see my mom. Eight days until I'll be home. I guess maybe it's not really home anymore...or at least, it won't be for much longer. My mom reminded me of that this morning on the phone, and it made me cry. Don't get me wrong...I'm definitely looking forward to living with Michael and finally being able to set up my own home. But it's sad to think that the place that's been my home for my entire life will only be my home for another 6 months or so. It's weird.

On another note, I'm having a good music year. I really hadn't thought about it much until the other day when someone wrote in my cousin's blog that it'd been a really bad music year. While I wouldn't say that the artists I already loved have put out a lot of great music this year (with the exception of Jewel's new album, which I adore), I've discovered a lot of new stuff that I'm not sure how I ever lived without. Juanes. Lily Allen. Corinne Bailey Rae. Leigh Nash. Madeleine Peyroux. Rachael Yamagata. Fink. The Ditty Bops. Draco and the Malfoys. And a ton of other random songs that I've downloaded this year. It's been wonderful.

The other day, I spent 5 hours hanging out at Hastings while Laura was working. I bought an amazing new cookbook, How to Boil Water and some Burt's Bees honey lip balm. Now I can make hard-boiled eggs, pick fresh produce, and keep my lips moist. And really, what more is there to life? Speaking of eggs, I bought a half-dozen the other day, and I've been eating them every day. I figure it's a good way to replace the protein I'm losing by not eating meat. No, I haven't gone vegetarian, but I also haven't been eating in the cafeteria & I don't feel like messing with raw meat here in the dorms. So the only source of protein I've really had has been Taco Bell...and who knows if that's even really meat?

Time to go do some homework. I mean, sudoku.

Yummy Yummy in my Tummy

This morning I made toad in a hole for breakfast (is it still breakfast after 11 a.m.? I guess it was brunch). I hadn't had that in such a long time. I bought eggs last night at the grocery store...I think I'll start buying them more often.

So I'll be home in 11 days. I can't wait! I'll probably be working 6-11am Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday (yeah, that's right, Thanksgiving freaking Day), and Friday. But that'll give me the afternoons free to shop, see movies, and eat tons of food. And just hanging out around the house, playing with Xena and working on my knitting project.

This week has gone by incredibly quickly. I hope next week is just the same!

Happy Thoughts

Today's been a great day. I finished my paper and turned it in this morning. Laura & I watched The Polar Express this afternoon. I made potato soup for dinner (ate about half of it after I made it, and then ate the rest when I got back from work). After dinner, Laura & I went to Hobby Lobby so I could buy more yarn for my art project. Now I've got the yarn for 7 out of the 9 squares of the blanket I'm making. Well, 8, but the yarn for the middle square is at home. Anyway, after Hobby Lobby, we went to Something Brewing for coffee. I finished one of the knitted squares at work tonight, and I've got about two inches of another one done.

I pretty much don't have a reason to get out of bed tomorrow. My econ class has been canceled, and I don't work on Tuesday nights. I'm planning to spend the day working on my knitting and watching Christmas movies.

After work tonight, I had a great conversation with Michelle. She's such a sweetheart. She's going to start coming over for dinner on Thursday nights, and I'm going to teach her how to cook. After Thanksgiving break, we're gonna get together some weekend and make Christmas cookies. :) I love having someone who's as enthusiastic about this stuff as I am!! She's into all sorts of other crafts, too.

Oops.

Well, I went to bed at 2 and slept until 8:30. I've got 2 pages (out of 5, but if it only ends up being 3 or 4 pages, I don't really care). It's not that this paper is particularly hard to write, and it's not that I don't want to write it (believe me, I'd love nothing more than to be done with it). I'm just lazy, and I hate writing papers.

So I'm skipping my classes today, including Art History. I'm going to Freehand Drawing, however, because today I'm showing my professor sketches for my final project.

Okay...time to get back to work, I guess.

Free To Be Me

It's such a liberating feeling to know that this paper I'm writing doesn't matter. Sure, in order to get an A in the class, I need to get around a 78. But in order to get a B in the class, I only have to get a 28 on the paper. Do you know how low a 28 is?? I think I could turn in what I've got now (a little over a page) and get a 28. To get a C in the class, I don't even have to write the paper! Of course, I don't want to get a C in the class. I'd love to make an A. But I'm more than satisfied with a B. Is Michael going to decide not to be with me if I get a B in this class? Of course not. Are accounting firms going to decide not to hire me if I get a B in art history? Highly doubtful.

The Laocoon (and Dr. Miller) can basically kiss my ass. If I'm not done by 2:30, I'm going to bed anyway. I'll get up in the morning and finish it (instead of going to Spanish, and I may skip art history as well).

Stream of Consciousness 2

Today I'm writing possibly my last paper ever. I'm about a thousand different kinds of excited about that...it's almost exciting enough to motivate me to actually work on the paper. Almost. In the spirit of staying true to myself, I'm procrastinating like a mofo. I've been watching Food Network pretty much all day. I think I'm going through a nesting phase. I'm not pregnant (or a bird), but it's the same type of thing. I just want to be domestic. I was watching Nigella Lawson's show earlier this afternoon, and she was making all kinds of chocolate goodies. You know, these days, I'm happiest when I'm in the kitchen. I've always been really into creating, and I've used so many different media over the years. I guess food is just my latest medium. Actually, I've got about 5 different crafts that I'm into these days...cooking, knitting, photography, cross stitch, and charcoal drawings (although the latter is just because of my art class). Well, and scrapbooking, but I haven't done that in a while. It's too bad I can't stumble into a career that lets me spend all day creating. Creating whatever strikes my fancy. I think both of these cross stitch projects describe me fairly well...I just can't decide which one is the best!



Today's one of those really dreary days. One of those days that's good to spend in the kitchen, baking cookies or making soup. I'd make some potato soup, but the kitchen's a total mess. That's something I hate about living with people...they don't clean up after themselves and their guests. I mean, yeah, I use the kitchen. And I'm sure I make a mess in there. But I always clean up after myself. Heck, 90% of the time I wash the dishes before I even sit down to eat what I made.

I'm really homesick. I keep trying to remind myself that I get to see my mom 2 weeks from today, and I'll be home 2 weeks from tomorrow. I hope these next 2 weeks just fly by. I think I've got 2 tests before then (economics and art history), plus a composition in Spanish. A few days ago, I ordered some yarn for my art project...which I just realized none of you know about because I haven't mentioned it in here before. Haha, okay, well, I'll write about that later. Anyway, that project is due the Wednesday after Thanksgiving break, which means I need to spend a good chunk of my break working on it (ya know, when I'm not working at the store or cooking or shopping or visiting family or stuffing my face or doing the 10 million other things I have planned for that week). Aaaagh! But this slight November crunch is going to pay off in December, when I only have TWO FINALS! And I get to go home on December 9th or 10th. And I don't have to return to this inner circle of hell until January 14th. And during that wonderful interim, I get to spend 6 glorious days with my sweetie pie. But once classes start on the 16th, I'm expecting a 4-month depression to sink in. I'm trying not to focus on that so much.

Alright, enough procrastinating...well, enough procrastinating by journaling. Now it's time to look at pretty pictures of food on the internet for a couple of hours. Wheeeee!

Dum-Dum (and apartment stuff)

So the other day, I did just about the dumbest thing I could ever do. My dad called me up, asking if I could work at the store over Thanksgiving break. Okay so here's the thing: I can't say no. Especially when it comes to work. If my boss asks me to do something, I do it. And I try to be as flexible as possible. So I said yes. He asked about my availability, and instead of telling him when I'd like to work, I told him when I could work. I told him I could be there at 6 a.m. Tuesday through Friday. Yes, I actually told my dad that I could and would work at 6 a.m. on Thanksgiving day. Am I nuts? I must be.

This weekend, I'm supposed to be writing a paper for Art History. I figure I'll read through my materials today, jot down some ideas, and then tomorrow I'll write the paper. I don't think it'll be too hard...although this is the first paper I've written in about a year. But it only has to be 5 pages. I should be fine, right? I hope so.

Over the past couple days, I've been looking at stuff for me & Michael's apartment. Stuff for the kitchen, stuff for the living room. I think the bedroom is pretty much set, except for bedding. My dad's letting me have the queen-size bed that they bought for me when I was 13 or 14. And I'm sure my mom won't mind if I take my dresser & mirror, although I hate that thing because the drawers are really shallow & don't hold much.

Things we already have:

• a queen-size bed & pillows
• a dresser & mirror
• 2 big TVs and a 13" TV
• 2 computers
• a coffee table (and maybe a console table that matches it, if my mom decides to get an entertainment center for the TV at home)
• a few bookcases
• a few rugs (the apartment we're looking at has cement floors...it used to be an old factory/warehouse!!)
• kitchen stuff (a 20-piece dish set that has dinner plates, salad plates, bowls, mugs, and ramekins for 4, plus a set of 4 rice bowls, several mugs, a 12-piece flatware set, a ton of barware, a wine rack, appetizer plates, an olive boat, an olive oil pourer, napkin rings, salt & pepper shakers, a good santoku knife, a tea set, a cutting board, storage containers, an electric mixer, a George Foreman grill, a set of popcorn bowls, a can-opener, a cookbook stand, several cookbooks, an iced tea maker, and probably some other stuff that I can't remember right now)
• coasters!
• a vacuum cleaner
• a microwave
• an iron & small ironing board (although I'd like to get a full-sized ironing board once we're in an apartment)
• a 3-compartment laundry sorter thing (Basically a huge glorified hamper...on wheels! You can sort of see it in the background of the vacuum cleaner picture.)
• towels (9 bath towels, 3 hand towels, and 3 washcloths in aqua, brown, and aqua/brown stripe)
• a stereo
• some art for the walls
• a phone/answering machine
  
• probably several other things

Plus I know that my mom's getting me "kitchen stuff" for Christmas. I asked for a blender, but I also really need decent pots & pans (which are ridiculously expensive). I'm planning to buy some air-bake cookie sheets, and I think my mom is giving me an extra 8x8" baking pan that she has lying around. Non-essentials that are on my kitchen wishlist: a big wooden salad bowl, a nice wood cutting board, and an over-the-sink colander.

Okay, it's after 12, and I still haven't taken a shower (or done any work!)...so I guess that's enough apartment musings for now.

Busy Bee

A lot's been going on since the last time I posted something other than photos. Friday I spent about 45 minutes crying in Dr. Scott's office. I actually did a lot better on my International Econ test than I thought, but I had a lot of emotions that had been bubbling just under the surface for a few days prior. Anyway, Dr. Scott made me feel a whole lot better, and actually sort of encouraged me not to be an accountant, if it's something that makes me so unhappy.

Friday night was Ghost Roast. I don't have a lot to say about that.

Saturday night we went out to dinner to celebrate Ryan's birthday. Later, we went to Kroger, where I found...packaged alfredo sauce mix! I know that doesn't sound so exciting, but it's something I used to love when I was a kid, but Dillons stopped carrying it a long time ago. I made it for dinner tonight, and hoooooooooooooly crap, I'd forgotten how good it was!!

Last week at Wal-Mart, I bought a couple of little counted cross stitch kits. One of them has a little crown on it, and it was supposed to say "Little Princess," but I stitched on "Killer Queen" instead. The other one has Eeyore lying on the ground, looking up at a butterfly. It doesn't say anything on it. Anyway, they're both sooooo cute, and I really want to get some more, like the Tinkerbell one.

Okay, other than that, not much has been going on. I've got a Spanish test Wednesday, an Art History paper due next Monday, and an International Econ test probably next Thursday (yuck). Busy, busy, busy!!

Love Among the Leaves

Hello, Figure Drawing!!

Today we started figure drawing in my art class. I'm so freaking happy!! I'm about 10x better at this than I was at still life, plus it's 1000x more interesting. And luckily our model turned out NOT to be the person I thought it might be. Actually, our model is a very pretty girl whom I don't know at all (she's probably a UCA student), so that's nice. I'm pretty proud of my drawing, especially since it's just the first one.

After class, I walked (in the rain) over to Mills to get my econ test from Dr. Scott (yesterday he said we could pick them up in his office this afternoon). Well...he wasn't there. And I'm not walking back over there later. So I guess I'm just not getting my test back until tomorrow...which is fine with me, because I don't really want it back.

Today seems like the perfect day to snuggle up in bed and read a book.

Every Little Thing She Does is Magic!

Alright, so I've finally decided what to be for Halloween. I was planning to be a black cat, but I couldn't find any ears that I liked. So I'm going to be a witch instead. I found a super cheapo black & purple striped hat at Wal-Mart tonight, and I bought some black nail polish (I'm going to do black nails with purple tips!) and some red lipstick. I'm going to be a good witch with a little bit of an evil streak. Ariane's gonna tryyyy to curl my hair. Anyway, I'm pretty pumped.

I drank a huuuuge pumpkin spice latte tonight. And four cappuccino truffles. Yeah, I'm on a little bit of a buzz right now...

Dear Recently Distressed

I haven't listened to Phantom Planet in over a year. I'd forgotten how wonderful they are. Well, how wonderful they were. Their most recent stuff is not so good.

Today I'm getting back a test that I know I failed. And even though I know I didn't do well on it, I still know that I'm going to be really upset when I actually see my grade written on the paper. I act like I don't care about my grades, and for the most part I really don't, but there's still a shadow of my high school self inside me, and she's still obsessed with making everybody but herself happy.

Anyway, to cheer myself up today, I'm wearing obnoxious colors and socks with squiggles on them. And if you see me, you should give me a hug!

edit:
Oh Dr. Scott, how I love thee! We didn't get our tests back afterall. Yesssss.

Goodbye, Still Life!!

Today in Freehand Drawing, we completed our final still life project. FINALLY!! I'm actually pretty happy with this one. I got to spend two class periods on it (a total of about 4 hours). There was some more detailing I could've (should've) done on the mask, but I just didn't have time. I spent a lot of time on the shading of the mask, to get the contours right. And I also spent quite a bit of time doing those dents on that kettle. I redrew them a couple of times. Anyway, like I said, I'm pretty happy with it. And we start drawing our first model on Wednesday!! Color me happy.

This afternoon I went to Target with Laura. They were having a sale on knee socks!! I bought 5 pairs. I also got some food that doesn't take more than 5 minutes to make (like cookies and Spaghetti-O's). Because I haven't been eating. I actually lost 5 lbs. this weekend. Because I haven't been eating. I mean, I'm not complaining about losing weight...but I know I haven't lost it in a healthy way. I just haven't been hungry lately. Or, I have, but nothing ever sounds good, so I just don't eat.

After Target, Laura & I went to Something Brewing and got coffee. When she gets out of band, we're going to Taco Bell to grab dinner. Then I guess I'm going over to Cook to watch football with her and some other people (i.e. they're going to watch football, and I'm going to work on Ryan's socks).

Killer Queen

Open Up Your Heart and Let This Fool Rush In

I just got back from seeing Marie Antoinette. It was fabulous!! Really, absolutely fantastic. Funny and sad and so beautiful. I wanna see it again!

Before the movie, we (Ryan, Ariane, and I) went to Barnes & Noble. A while back, I "won" a $10 B&N gift card, so I figured this was the perfect opportunity to use it. I thought about buying the new Lemony Snicket book (I have all of the others), but since I haven't gotten past the 8th or 9th book, I figured that one could wait. So I ended up getting Banishing Verona, by Margot Livesey. She wrote one of my favorite books, Eva Moves the Furniture, which was very quiet and slow and sad. I like things like that sometimes. I also bought a sparkly birthday card for Rachel and a really pretty mug with a picture of the Colosseum and a bunch of Roman-y stuff on it. They had a London one too, with a picture of Big Ben, but the Rome one was so much prettier.

Today I started knitting a pair of socks for Ryan for his birthday. I know I'm gonna need to spend pretty much all of my spare time on them in order to finish them in time (his birthday is November 4th), but I'm so tempted to read my new book instead! But I guess that can wait...it'll be nice to have that to read during the long ride home at Thanksgiving.

Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

Fall Break is coming to an end. It's been relaxing, if nothing else. I've watched a lot of movies, most of them about witches (Hocus Pocus, Bell, Book and Candle, Rosemary's Baby, and Bewitched). I love witches!

Tonight I was talking to my dad on the phone, and we were talking about the store. Somehow, we got on the subject of shrink (the difference between what the store buys and what the store sells...i.e. stuff that gets stolen or damaged). As employees, it's drilled into our heads that our job is to prevent/reduce shrink. Well, my dad's department (produce) has really low shrink numbers...often the lowest in the store. He does this by ordering the right amounts of products and by selling damaged produce at reduced prices. This last part is especially important at our store, which is located in an economically-depressed neighborhood. Many of our customers are on food stamps, and they do what they can with the benefits they receive. I don't know how many of you buy groceries, but next time you're in a supermarket, check out the prices of fresh produce...it's expensive!! Because of this, poorer people usually don't buy much fresh produce, which means that they miss out on a lot of important nutrients.

Well, The Powers That Be have decided that my father's shrink numbers are too low. They think this means that he's missing out on potential sales by not ordering enough product. They're implementing a new policy, so instead of selling damaged products at reduced prices, he's supposed to just throw it away. Yes, throw it away! I can't express how angry this makes me. TPTB believe that this will force customers to buy the products at full price. What they don't seem to understand is that people living on a fixed income often can't afford to pay those higher prices for fresh produce. They're either going to buy less of it, or possibly stop buying it altogether. Either way, these people are going to be missing out on an important source of nutrition.

The only thing that might anger me more than this is the fact that, under the new policy, my dad is required to literally throw away the damaged produce. What a waste! You know that phrase, "There are starving kids in China!"? Well, what about the starving people in Kansas? This food could be given to soup kitchens or homeless shelters or battered women's shelters or SOMEWHERE. It's not like this food is rotten or anything...it's just bruised or needs to be used within a day or two. There are people who really need this stuff, and for the company to just throw it away...it makes me angry. Really, really angry.

I'm planning to bring this to the attention of some advocacy groups or something. I'm not sure exactly where to start, but I think I'm going to email Joe Stumpe, the food editor at the Wichita Eagle. I know you're probably thinking that emailing a food editor is the weirdest way to start, but Stumpe recently participated in a challange during which he lived on the amount someone would receive from the food stamp program for a week. I think he can probably help me get in contact with people from different advocacy groups. I'd really like to see some pressure put on the company to rethink this new policy (which is apparently the policy at Wal-Mart as well, and probably several other places).

Happy Friday the 13th!!

Yesterday I took some pictures of Laura and Elyse around campus. I also bought a pumpkin yesterday, which they posed with in most of the pictures. Today I'm going to try roasting pumpkin seeds!

Sometimes Life is Worth Living

I haven't had that abdominal pain again, which is good. I'm trying not to worry about it too much.

Yesterday was an upsetting day. I'm pretty sure I failed (or maybe got a D) on my International Economics test. On the upside, however, I talked to my professor, and he said that this grade doesn't really matter. But, of course, I was still upset...so I went to Kroger. Ariane had a bad day yesterday as well, and we were both in serious need of some mashed potatoes & gravy. I spent almost $83 at the store, but I'm okay with that. I was getting so sick of eating pasta all of the time. I bought vegetables, cheese, bread, peanut butter, ice cream, and a bunch of other stuff. Real food.

I skipped my drawing class today. I don't actually like that class as much as I thought I would. In Spanish, we got back our tests...I got 100%, and I spent maybe 2 minutes studying for it. And this stuff wasn't even review...there was a lot of grammar that I had never learned in high school. Methinks I just ROCK at Spanish. Hmm...did I pick the wrong major??

I'm trying to decide what to do for dinner tonight. I think it's just as hard when you've got lots of choices as it is when you don't have anything to eat. I feel the same way about my clothes...right after I do laundry, and everything's clean, I waste like 20 minutes in the morning trying to decide what to wear. And when nothing's clean, of course, it takes forever to find something that I like.

I'm Pretty Sure I'm Dying...

About six weeks ago, I woke up in a world of pain. My ribcage felt like it had contracted, and my organs felt like they were expanding. My lungs couldn't expand to take in air, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. And there was this incredibly sharp pain in my upper abdomen. I couldn't lie down, and I couldn't stand up. The only position that was comfortable was sitting with my knees pulled close to my chest. I took some Motrin, and a few minutes later the pain went away. I had no idea what had caused the pain, but I thought maybe it was because of my period, even though it was in such a weird spot.

Four weeks later, the next time I was on my period, I had the pain again. I don't remember it being quite as intense as the first time I'd had it, but I also wasn't quite so surprised by it. Again, I took some Motrin, and the pain went away.

Last night, around 9:15, it happened again. I'm not on my period this time. After taking Motrin last night, the pain mostly went away, but I still felt nauseous and had a bit of a dull ache when I stood up for more than a few minutes.

So now I don't know what to think. It's obviously not being caused by my period. Even though it's in the right spot, I don't think it's my appendix, because I don't think the pain would be so spread out (timewise). If it happens again, I'm going to go see a doctor. I hope nothing is seriously wrong with me...

My Life as a Magpie

I know that the magpie is a symbol of bad luck. One legend even suggests that they carry a drop of the devil's blood under their tongues (to which I say...birds have tongues?). But there's one more thing for which magpies are famous, and that's their attraction to shiny things. Coins. Jewelry. Gum wrappers. Believe me, I love dead presidents and things that smell like Doublemint as much as the next girl...but lately, I've fallen especially in love with jewelry. Fine jewelry. The good stuff. It started when I bought my pearl ring last December. Followed by the acquisition of my mother's sapphire ring. The latest has been the beautiful mystic fire topaz necklace I got for my birthday. Now I'm keeping my eye out for my next piece, and I've got several in mind. My absolute favorite has to be this opal ring from Helzberg. I found it last winter, when I bought my pearl ring, but it was (and still is) way too expensive. I would ask for it for Christmas, but I think it's still too expensive, even for that.

The other pieces I'm currently in love with:
Octagonal Cut Aquamarine & Diamond Ring
Ecstasy Topaz & Diamond Pendant
Rose de France & Diamond Pendant

Things That Make Me Sad

Don't get me wrong...I've been pretty happy lately. I've completely rebounded from the recent boy drama, and am actually even more recovered from the old boy drama. Still...there are a few things that I've read about in the news recently that have made me really sad, if not a little angry.

• The shooting at the Amish school in Pennsylvania. I mean really...what was this man thinking? It just breaks my heart to think of those poor little girls and their families... The Colorado shooting makes me sad too, of course, but there's something about this one that really tugs at my heart. Maybe because the girls were so young, or because they were Amish, or because there were more of them...I don't know.
• The Congressman who sent sexually-explicit emails and IMs to the underage male pages. There are a lot of things about this whole mess that really bother me. Probably the biggest one is the coverup. The preservation of political power should never trump the preservation of the safety and innocence of children...never.
  
• The Code of Inclusiveness, part of the Visioneering Wichita project. I'm all for racial unity, believe me. Anyone who knows me knows that. However, asking Wichitans to sign a Code of Inclusiveness is just a waste of time and resources. Mostly a waste of paper. The people who would be willing to sign this pact and really uphold it are the people who already advocate racial unity. And the people we should really be reaching out to are the ones who wouldn't sign the Code of Inclusiveness anyway.
• Thursday's Hendrix Forum topic. I wish I could attend the Forum, but unfortunately it's at the same time as my Spanish class. The topic: "Is the Hendrix Community a 'Safe Space' for Political and Religious Conservatives?" To which I say NO. I think Hendrix is maybe more tolerant of religious conservatives than political conservatives, just because it's a religiously-affiliated school (although its affiliation is with Methodism, which is relatively liberal), so there are a lot of religious organizations on campus. But there's only one organization on campus for political conservatives, and it's not a very active group. People are really hostile to Republicans on this campus, and I don't just mean students...I can't count the number of times I've heard professors make derogatory comments about them. Personally, I don't like either party. I think they're more concerned with holding power than actually getting anything accomplished. I think politicians are under too much pressure to constantly vote along party lines (or risk losing support and funding when the next election comes along), so nothing constructive and truly beneficial is ever accomplished. However, I don't believe that all Republicans are as extreme as the people in office, nor do I believe that Democrats are as extreme as their leaders. But on this campus? When someone says "Republican," everyone assumes you're a greedy, cold-hearted, intolerant, backward-thinking hick. It's offensive.

Thank You

Yesterday I downloaded Leigh Nash's solo album, Blue on Blue, which came out about a month and a half ago. (She was the lead singer of Sixpence None the Richer before this.) Anyway, at first I wasn't sure that I liked the album much, but I've been listening to it pretty much non-stop since yesterday, and I've fallen in love with it. One of my favorite songs is the last one on the album, "Thank You." It's a good perspective on getting your heart broken:

Thank you for breaking my heart
Cause if you’d never left,
I’d never have met someone better
Aren’t you clever boy?
I really owe you one for what you’ve done
From the bottom of my heart,
Thank you, thank you

3 New Self-Portraits!

Me + my new sweater + my new necklace!


I know, I know...that's a whole lot of blue-green!

Post-Birthday

My birthday turned out pretty fantastic, I must say. Most of the people I invited came out to dinner last night, and we had a great time. I wish we could've been at a round table so I could've chatted with everyone more, instead of just the people who were sitting right next to me, but otherwise it was perfect. And the creme brulée was, of course, wonderful. Extremely wonderful.

When we got back to campus, I was kinda sad because everyone left and I thought my birthday was pretty much over. But then Ryan & Ariane showed up with the most beautiful, thoughtful present in the world...a mystic fire topaz necklace! I was speechless...I still am...there are no words to describe how absolutely lovely it is. Really. The picture doesn't do it justice, believe me. I'm only even posting it so you can see the style of the necklace. The stones are so sparkly and...I don't know...enchanting. When they catch the light, they change from green to purple. I probably spent a solid hour just staring at it last night. SO BEAUTIFUL.

After they gave me the necklace, Ryan, Ariane, and I played a game of Apples to Apples (a present from Rachel!), which was loads of fun. Then we went to see the 9:25 showing of The Black Dahlia at The Rave in Little Rock. Uh...if you haven't seen it yet...don't waste your money. The three of us agreed that if they cut a few things out (like the dead 3-year old or the lesbian porn), it could totally be marketed as a comedy. My favorite line from the movie: "Germans...good people. Hitler was a bit excessive, but I think we're going to regret not joining up with him against the Reds." Oh, and the movie pretty much had nothing to do with the Black Dahlia murder case. At least, not what actually happened. The man who actually killed her wasn't even in the movie. And the whole feel of the movie was very schmaltzy.

Okay, picture time!

Rachel, Ariane, Ryan, and Megan at Mike's Place:

Laura and Keisha at Mike's Place:

The most beautiful necklace in the world:

Happy Birthday to Me!!

Pre-Birthday was pretty good, and Birthday is turning out to be pretty swell too. I got a beautiful sweater from my mom (which I'm wearing today), and I got a check from my dad (which I'm cashing when the business office opens at 1)...so presents have been good. Great, really.

Yesterday I downloaded Madeleine Peyroux's new album, Half the Perfect World, and man...it's wonderful. Beautiful. I'm in love with it.

Life is good. Really, really good. Especially today...I'm not letting anything get me down today. Especially since tonight I'm planning to indulge in some creme brulée...and you just can't be down in the dumps if you're gonna eat something that fancy.

2 Days!!

The reservation has been made! I went ahead and made it for 13, even though only 10 people have said that they're definitely coming. And I shake my fist at those 3 who won't give me a solid answer. Grrr!! I mean, if you don't wanna come, that's fine...BUT LET ME KNOW!!

I made dinner last night, and it was wonderful. Now Laura and I have made plans for her to come over Thursday night, and we're going to make Mediterranean pizza. I feel so much happier since I've been cooking these past few days. Something about comfort food, I guess... I'd really like to try making lasagna one of these days.

Today I got my first birthday card. It was from my grandparents. And this morning my art history professor decided to push our test back to Monday, so now I don't have a test on my birthday! And in Spanish, she gave us a homework assignment for Friday that involves writing a paragraph about somebody's birthday. Haha!

Life's pretty good these days.

3 Days!!

So, mini-crisis averted. I was worried that Bell, Book, and Candle would forever elude me, but I managed to find a new copy on eBay. So I bought it before they could raise their price (since it's no longer in production). And really, I think I probably spent less than I would've if I'd bought it through Amazon. Well, happy birthday to me!

Dr. Scott is both wonderful and insane. Wonderful because he's pushing the first test back even further, so now it won't be until October 10th. Insane because he's making it a 2 and a half hour test! And today we were sort of reviewing what we'd learned so far (mostly he was just running through a list of the stuff we've gone over), and he gave us an "example test question." HOLY CRAP...all I've got to say is that if he puts that question on the test, it better be the ONLY question. It was like half a page long just writing it out, and that didn't even include everything he said because there was SO MUCH STUFF. It would definitely take two or three pages to answer it. Aaaaagh. But at least I'll get to enjoy my 22nd birthday before my head explodes.

I'm in a really good mood today. Probably the best mood I've been in for the past couple of weeks. And tonight I'm making stars & tomato juice for dinner. I guess I never realized how weird that sounds to people who haven't tried it, because it's something my mom's been making for as long as I can remember (although she usually uses shell pasta, but sometimes she uses fun shapes like stars or alphabet pasta). It's not really like mac & cheese because the tomato juice is thinner than cheese. And thinner than tomato sauce. But it's not really like soup, either, because it's mostly pasta, not mostly liquid. Just trust me...it's delicious!

Domestic Goddess (sorta)

I finally made my potato soup. It filled a bowl the size of my head. I only ate about a third of it...I figure I'll live off the rest of it for the next few days. It was a little thick, but other than that it was perrrrrrfect!


And for dessert? Godiva classic milk chocolate ice cream. Mmmmm.


Other interesting things that happened today:

• My mom turned 50! Happy birthday, Mama!!
• I finally decided what to do/where to go for my birthday. It's not very creative, but my tummy can't so much do creative these days. Anyway, we're going to Mike's Place. I've invited 12 people, and hopefully they can all make it...because you know what they say about 13 people sitting down to dine...the first to stand up from the table is the first to die!! I'm not wishing death on any of my guests, but it's soooo close to Halloween. Man, I wanna go to a haunted house...
• I watched Addams Family Values. Not a bad movie, I have to say.
  

Better

Feeling better today. Maybe not physically...I'm still sick, and last night I had that one cramp that feels like my internal organs are going to explode. But emotionally, I'm stabilizing. I guess I'm still a little sad, but I'm not crying anymore. And I'm not angry anymore. I don't even really feel hurt, either. I don't think I really know what I'm feeling. I think I still feel empty, but more in a cleansed kind of way, not drained.

Anyway, as a friend's away message says, every little thing is gonna be alright.

Drained Like a Bathtub

Anyone who's seen my AIM away message or Facebook status recently knows that I've been in a self-induced coma for most of the day. Actually, it's pretty much been since 2:30 this morning. I've had 4+ shots of NyQuil since then. Still...I'm having trouble sleeping.

I'm having a horrible time. Yesterday was emotionally draining, plus I'm sick (and only seem to be getting sicker). And to top it all off, I started my period yesterday, so I'm even more tired and emotional than I would otherwise be.

I feel like I'm running on empty. Like my body is flushing everything out, but not taking anything in. I'm cold and I'm lonely and I'd just like to have someone here to make sure I don't actually pass out. Feeling dizzy and disoriented...too much NyQuil.

I hate feeling like this.

Heartbreaker.

I think you're horrible. And really just cruel.

Monday you tell me you like me. "As a friend?" I ask. "More than a friend," you say.

And then tonight? "I really like you as a friend." Ouch. Really...

FYI, you really shouldn't tell a girl that you like her, hold her hand, kiss her, call her everyday, talk about spending the night...and then tell her that you don't want a relationship. It's not fair! You're so concerned about getting your own heart broken, you don't even think about the heart that you're breaking in the process.

I'd sworn off boys for a reason. I just had my heart absolutely stomped on three times this summer. I knew I wasn't strong enough to deal with this shit again. But I thought you were different...I thought you actually really liked me. Ya know, because you said you did. It wasn't anything I was making up in my head. You actually said it.

And I feel so stupid. So stupid to have fallen for it all over again. You'd think I would've learned by now. You'd think I'd be a little bit stronger. But it just hurts more every time...

Oh Fiona...

So...boys are stupid. But I'll always have Fiona Apple.

Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine.

Listening to Rachael Yamagata makes me kinda sad and angry...

I haven't been feeling very well the past few days. Well, there have been good moments, but there have also been a lot of low points. Why do I get myself into these situations?

I hate it when people promise things. I hate that the word "promise" doesn't really mean what it's supposed to mean. When someone promises something, they're just trying to placate you for the moment. They don't really have any intention of following through on what they've just promised. That's been my experience with promises, anyway. I especially hate it when someone makes a promise to you for the first time, and since you don't have any reason not to believe them, you do. And then you're doubly disappointed when they don't follow through because you weren't expecting it.

I also don't like not knowing what's going on. Especially if it's a situation that involves me. I really think that if you don't know what you want, you should probably keep your feelings to yourself. Because it's not nice to tell a girl that you like her, then not actually ask her out. Just sayin'.

FYI part deux

I'm pretty sure that a cozy sweater and a hot cup of cinnamon cocoa can cure any ill.

Nothing makes sense anymore...

I don't get it. I just don't get it. Of all the people I've ever met in my life, he seemed like the least likely to commit suicide... I don't understand. This whole thing was hard enough to deal with when I thought he'd died of something natural. I guess I should've known, when they weren't releasing the cause of death yesterday... But no, I shouldn't have known. He wouldn't do that. I mean, he just wouldn't... Okay, so he was just my vice principal, and maybe I'm taking this all a little too hard. But if you'd met him, you'd know. You'd know he wasn't that kind of person. He cared about us so much, and he was so committed to helping us... I just don't get it.

I don't think I'll ever get it.

On Top of the Effing World

I'm not gonna lie, I'm having a pretty fantastic day. First of all, it's not raining. And my shoes, which I thought were beyond repair, are pretty much back to normal. I even wore them today. My Spanish test went fantastically well, and I got back my test in Art History. 100%, bitches. Don't even ask when the last time that happened was, because I can assure you that I don't remember. I'm not sure it's even happened since I've been in college.

In Drawing, Professor Bailin talked to us about our midterm projects (self-portraits). He and I talked about how balance is a huge theme in my life, and he came up with the idea of creating a scale. I'm going to tweak his idea a little bit, probaby just do a drawing of a scale instead of actually buying a brass scale (because I'm el cheapo). On one side of the scale, I'm going to draw things representative of my creative side (art, music, knitting, etc), and on the other side of the scale I'll draw the things that keep me grounded and are more concrete (like accounting). I'm pretty excited about this project now.

ALSO I got my Vera Bradley bag today. I kind of wish that I'd picked a different pattern, but for the most part I'm happy with it. And it came in a huuuuuuge box.

Rain, rain, don't go away...just stop being so inconvenient!

I feel (and probably look) like I just stepped into the shower with all of my clothes still on. It's pouring outside, and I had to use my umbrella to protect my drawing portfolio from the rain, rather than protecting myself. Luckily my drawings didn't get wet (except for a very tiny corner of one, but it's in the border, so I don't think it's going to matter). My shoes, on the other hand, are a completely different story. I think I might have to end up buying a new pair, which is unfortunate because I definitely don't have the money to do that right now. And these are the shoes that I wear every single day. Stupid campus being built in an area that used to be a swamp. :-/

I love rain, I really do. And there's nothing I love more on a rainy day than curling up with my knitting and watching one of my old favorites on DVD. But my knitting is still sitting in the post office, and as much as I want to go get it, I'm not sure I really want to face this stupid rain again. But I suppose if I'm going to go get it (and food from the Burrow, because I haven't eaten today and I'm really hungry), I should do it before I change into dry clothes. Right? Okay...

Tummy Aches Aren't Any Fun

I'm not so sure about sushi for my birthday anymore. I got ridiculously sick after we ate at Fuji last night. Actually, food in general is making my stomach really upset lately. Except for really plain things. I guess I just want to be back at home with a bowl of potato soup and a book that doesn't suck. Speaking of which, I'm having a hard time finding one. I'm reading The Moving Finger, and it's not good. I don't know why I bought it. It's horrible. And the only other book I have left is The Blue Train, and it doesn't really sound very good to me either. Although at least it has Poirot...

I really don't feel like doing anything tonight. Other than listening to A Charlie Brown Christmas on repeat for several hours.

That conversation I had with Ray the other night has really got me in a funk. I don't know what to think. Stupid boys and their impact on my thoughts and feelings!