Thank You

Yesterday I downloaded Leigh Nash's solo album, Blue on Blue, which came out about a month and a half ago. (She was the lead singer of Sixpence None the Richer before this.) Anyway, at first I wasn't sure that I liked the album much, but I've been listening to it pretty much non-stop since yesterday, and I've fallen in love with it. One of my favorite songs is the last one on the album, "Thank You." It's a good perspective on getting your heart broken:

Thank you for breaking my heart
Cause if you’d never left,
I’d never have met someone better
Aren’t you clever boy?
I really owe you one for what you’ve done
From the bottom of my heart,
Thank you, thank you

3 New Self-Portraits!

Me + my new sweater + my new necklace!


I know, I know...that's a whole lot of blue-green!

Post-Birthday

My birthday turned out pretty fantastic, I must say. Most of the people I invited came out to dinner last night, and we had a great time. I wish we could've been at a round table so I could've chatted with everyone more, instead of just the people who were sitting right next to me, but otherwise it was perfect. And the creme brulée was, of course, wonderful. Extremely wonderful.

When we got back to campus, I was kinda sad because everyone left and I thought my birthday was pretty much over. But then Ryan & Ariane showed up with the most beautiful, thoughtful present in the world...a mystic fire topaz necklace! I was speechless...I still am...there are no words to describe how absolutely lovely it is. Really. The picture doesn't do it justice, believe me. I'm only even posting it so you can see the style of the necklace. The stones are so sparkly and...I don't know...enchanting. When they catch the light, they change from green to purple. I probably spent a solid hour just staring at it last night. SO BEAUTIFUL.

After they gave me the necklace, Ryan, Ariane, and I played a game of Apples to Apples (a present from Rachel!), which was loads of fun. Then we went to see the 9:25 showing of The Black Dahlia at The Rave in Little Rock. Uh...if you haven't seen it yet...don't waste your money. The three of us agreed that if they cut a few things out (like the dead 3-year old or the lesbian porn), it could totally be marketed as a comedy. My favorite line from the movie: "Germans...good people. Hitler was a bit excessive, but I think we're going to regret not joining up with him against the Reds." Oh, and the movie pretty much had nothing to do with the Black Dahlia murder case. At least, not what actually happened. The man who actually killed her wasn't even in the movie. And the whole feel of the movie was very schmaltzy.

Okay, picture time!

Rachel, Ariane, Ryan, and Megan at Mike's Place:

Laura and Keisha at Mike's Place:

The most beautiful necklace in the world:

Happy Birthday to Me!!

Pre-Birthday was pretty good, and Birthday is turning out to be pretty swell too. I got a beautiful sweater from my mom (which I'm wearing today), and I got a check from my dad (which I'm cashing when the business office opens at 1)...so presents have been good. Great, really.

Yesterday I downloaded Madeleine Peyroux's new album, Half the Perfect World, and man...it's wonderful. Beautiful. I'm in love with it.

Life is good. Really, really good. Especially today...I'm not letting anything get me down today. Especially since tonight I'm planning to indulge in some creme brulée...and you just can't be down in the dumps if you're gonna eat something that fancy.

2 Days!!

The reservation has been made! I went ahead and made it for 13, even though only 10 people have said that they're definitely coming. And I shake my fist at those 3 who won't give me a solid answer. Grrr!! I mean, if you don't wanna come, that's fine...BUT LET ME KNOW!!

I made dinner last night, and it was wonderful. Now Laura and I have made plans for her to come over Thursday night, and we're going to make Mediterranean pizza. I feel so much happier since I've been cooking these past few days. Something about comfort food, I guess... I'd really like to try making lasagna one of these days.

Today I got my first birthday card. It was from my grandparents. And this morning my art history professor decided to push our test back to Monday, so now I don't have a test on my birthday! And in Spanish, she gave us a homework assignment for Friday that involves writing a paragraph about somebody's birthday. Haha!

Life's pretty good these days.

3 Days!!

So, mini-crisis averted. I was worried that Bell, Book, and Candle would forever elude me, but I managed to find a new copy on eBay. So I bought it before they could raise their price (since it's no longer in production). And really, I think I probably spent less than I would've if I'd bought it through Amazon. Well, happy birthday to me!

Dr. Scott is both wonderful and insane. Wonderful because he's pushing the first test back even further, so now it won't be until October 10th. Insane because he's making it a 2 and a half hour test! And today we were sort of reviewing what we'd learned so far (mostly he was just running through a list of the stuff we've gone over), and he gave us an "example test question." HOLY CRAP...all I've got to say is that if he puts that question on the test, it better be the ONLY question. It was like half a page long just writing it out, and that didn't even include everything he said because there was SO MUCH STUFF. It would definitely take two or three pages to answer it. Aaaaagh. But at least I'll get to enjoy my 22nd birthday before my head explodes.

I'm in a really good mood today. Probably the best mood I've been in for the past couple of weeks. And tonight I'm making stars & tomato juice for dinner. I guess I never realized how weird that sounds to people who haven't tried it, because it's something my mom's been making for as long as I can remember (although she usually uses shell pasta, but sometimes she uses fun shapes like stars or alphabet pasta). It's not really like mac & cheese because the tomato juice is thinner than cheese. And thinner than tomato sauce. But it's not really like soup, either, because it's mostly pasta, not mostly liquid. Just trust me...it's delicious!

Domestic Goddess (sorta)

I finally made my potato soup. It filled a bowl the size of my head. I only ate about a third of it...I figure I'll live off the rest of it for the next few days. It was a little thick, but other than that it was perrrrrrfect!


And for dessert? Godiva classic milk chocolate ice cream. Mmmmm.


Other interesting things that happened today:

• My mom turned 50! Happy birthday, Mama!!
• I finally decided what to do/where to go for my birthday. It's not very creative, but my tummy can't so much do creative these days. Anyway, we're going to Mike's Place. I've invited 12 people, and hopefully they can all make it...because you know what they say about 13 people sitting down to dine...the first to stand up from the table is the first to die!! I'm not wishing death on any of my guests, but it's soooo close to Halloween. Man, I wanna go to a haunted house...
• I watched Addams Family Values. Not a bad movie, I have to say.
  

Better

Feeling better today. Maybe not physically...I'm still sick, and last night I had that one cramp that feels like my internal organs are going to explode. But emotionally, I'm stabilizing. I guess I'm still a little sad, but I'm not crying anymore. And I'm not angry anymore. I don't even really feel hurt, either. I don't think I really know what I'm feeling. I think I still feel empty, but more in a cleansed kind of way, not drained.

Anyway, as a friend's away message says, every little thing is gonna be alright.

Drained Like a Bathtub

Anyone who's seen my AIM away message or Facebook status recently knows that I've been in a self-induced coma for most of the day. Actually, it's pretty much been since 2:30 this morning. I've had 4+ shots of NyQuil since then. Still...I'm having trouble sleeping.

I'm having a horrible time. Yesterday was emotionally draining, plus I'm sick (and only seem to be getting sicker). And to top it all off, I started my period yesterday, so I'm even more tired and emotional than I would otherwise be.

I feel like I'm running on empty. Like my body is flushing everything out, but not taking anything in. I'm cold and I'm lonely and I'd just like to have someone here to make sure I don't actually pass out. Feeling dizzy and disoriented...too much NyQuil.

I hate feeling like this.

Heartbreaker.

I think you're horrible. And really just cruel.

Monday you tell me you like me. "As a friend?" I ask. "More than a friend," you say.

And then tonight? "I really like you as a friend." Ouch. Really...

FYI, you really shouldn't tell a girl that you like her, hold her hand, kiss her, call her everyday, talk about spending the night...and then tell her that you don't want a relationship. It's not fair! You're so concerned about getting your own heart broken, you don't even think about the heart that you're breaking in the process.

I'd sworn off boys for a reason. I just had my heart absolutely stomped on three times this summer. I knew I wasn't strong enough to deal with this shit again. But I thought you were different...I thought you actually really liked me. Ya know, because you said you did. It wasn't anything I was making up in my head. You actually said it.

And I feel so stupid. So stupid to have fallen for it all over again. You'd think I would've learned by now. You'd think I'd be a little bit stronger. But it just hurts more every time...

Oh Fiona...

So...boys are stupid. But I'll always have Fiona Apple.

Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine.

Listening to Rachael Yamagata makes me kinda sad and angry...

I haven't been feeling very well the past few days. Well, there have been good moments, but there have also been a lot of low points. Why do I get myself into these situations?

I hate it when people promise things. I hate that the word "promise" doesn't really mean what it's supposed to mean. When someone promises something, they're just trying to placate you for the moment. They don't really have any intention of following through on what they've just promised. That's been my experience with promises, anyway. I especially hate it when someone makes a promise to you for the first time, and since you don't have any reason not to believe them, you do. And then you're doubly disappointed when they don't follow through because you weren't expecting it.

I also don't like not knowing what's going on. Especially if it's a situation that involves me. I really think that if you don't know what you want, you should probably keep your feelings to yourself. Because it's not nice to tell a girl that you like her, then not actually ask her out. Just sayin'.

FYI part deux

I'm pretty sure that a cozy sweater and a hot cup of cinnamon cocoa can cure any ill.

Nothing makes sense anymore...

I don't get it. I just don't get it. Of all the people I've ever met in my life, he seemed like the least likely to commit suicide... I don't understand. This whole thing was hard enough to deal with when I thought he'd died of something natural. I guess I should've known, when they weren't releasing the cause of death yesterday... But no, I shouldn't have known. He wouldn't do that. I mean, he just wouldn't... Okay, so he was just my vice principal, and maybe I'm taking this all a little too hard. But if you'd met him, you'd know. You'd know he wasn't that kind of person. He cared about us so much, and he was so committed to helping us... I just don't get it.

I don't think I'll ever get it.

On Top of the Effing World

I'm not gonna lie, I'm having a pretty fantastic day. First of all, it's not raining. And my shoes, which I thought were beyond repair, are pretty much back to normal. I even wore them today. My Spanish test went fantastically well, and I got back my test in Art History. 100%, bitches. Don't even ask when the last time that happened was, because I can assure you that I don't remember. I'm not sure it's even happened since I've been in college.

In Drawing, Professor Bailin talked to us about our midterm projects (self-portraits). He and I talked about how balance is a huge theme in my life, and he came up with the idea of creating a scale. I'm going to tweak his idea a little bit, probaby just do a drawing of a scale instead of actually buying a brass scale (because I'm el cheapo). On one side of the scale, I'm going to draw things representative of my creative side (art, music, knitting, etc), and on the other side of the scale I'll draw the things that keep me grounded and are more concrete (like accounting). I'm pretty excited about this project now.

ALSO I got my Vera Bradley bag today. I kind of wish that I'd picked a different pattern, but for the most part I'm happy with it. And it came in a huuuuuuge box.

Rain, rain, don't go away...just stop being so inconvenient!

I feel (and probably look) like I just stepped into the shower with all of my clothes still on. It's pouring outside, and I had to use my umbrella to protect my drawing portfolio from the rain, rather than protecting myself. Luckily my drawings didn't get wet (except for a very tiny corner of one, but it's in the border, so I don't think it's going to matter). My shoes, on the other hand, are a completely different story. I think I might have to end up buying a new pair, which is unfortunate because I definitely don't have the money to do that right now. And these are the shoes that I wear every single day. Stupid campus being built in an area that used to be a swamp. :-/

I love rain, I really do. And there's nothing I love more on a rainy day than curling up with my knitting and watching one of my old favorites on DVD. But my knitting is still sitting in the post office, and as much as I want to go get it, I'm not sure I really want to face this stupid rain again. But I suppose if I'm going to go get it (and food from the Burrow, because I haven't eaten today and I'm really hungry), I should do it before I change into dry clothes. Right? Okay...

Tummy Aches Aren't Any Fun

I'm not so sure about sushi for my birthday anymore. I got ridiculously sick after we ate at Fuji last night. Actually, food in general is making my stomach really upset lately. Except for really plain things. I guess I just want to be back at home with a bowl of potato soup and a book that doesn't suck. Speaking of which, I'm having a hard time finding one. I'm reading The Moving Finger, and it's not good. I don't know why I bought it. It's horrible. And the only other book I have left is The Blue Train, and it doesn't really sound very good to me either. Although at least it has Poirot...

I really don't feel like doing anything tonight. Other than listening to A Charlie Brown Christmas on repeat for several hours.

That conversation I had with Ray the other night has really got me in a funk. I don't know what to think. Stupid boys and their impact on my thoughts and feelings!

Food + Birthdays (what more is there to life?)

Last night I had a very weird conversation with an old friend.

I also ate at Moe's Southwest Grill, which I have to say was quite an experience (in a good way). Tonight we're going to Fuji! Mmmm...sushi!!

Twenty days until my birthday. I'm starting to get excited about it. We're going to Sekisui (and maybe Igibon) for sushi, and then Shakey's for ice cream. Although I'm thinking we might have to do Shakey's on Saturday night instead because I'm planning to be pretty freaking full of sushi, and I don't want to get sick.

My mom got me this Vera Bradley bag for my birthday. Well, I ordered it & put it on my credit card, and she's paying for it. I wanted it for my knitting, which she sent to me on Wednesday & was supposed to get here yesterday, but so far hasn't arrived. :-(

I'm also completely jazzed that The Lake House is coming out on DVD 3 days before my birthday. It's like a gift from God and Hollywood!

Mostly About Photography

Today I took pictures of Lindsay and Megan for their med school applications. I'm not going to post them because, well, they're med school app photos, which are just a smidge more interesting than passport and driver's license photos.

Ariane and I have decided that Sunday, weather permitting, we're going to do a heroin-chic photo shoot. Smudged makeup, "dirty" hair, chipped blood-red nails...the whole bit. And then I'll edit the hell out of them to make grainy black & whites. I probably will post a few of those.

In Drawing today, a golden retriever ran through the studio and drooled on my portfolio. I was not amused!

Whitney=0, Technology=1

Argggg. My DVD player worked ALL DAY yesterday. Then last night, suddenly, poof! It stops working. I mean, it works, but there's no sound. And it's done this before, but usually it's just because the DVD player is tired, and then it works by the next morning. But it's still not working tonight, and it's been almost 24 hours since I tried to play something in it.

This stinks.

The Eyes Have It

Stick-straight hair + black eyeliner + "Bruise"-colored nail polish = new self-portraits!! I'm blown away by how blue-green my eyes look in these photos...seriously, they don't look that cool in real life.

This is to every guy I've ever known...

I hate men.

I really do.

I just want to be left alone. I want to make my own decisions about the clothes I wear or the length of my hair or what I do with my own fucking life.

I want to be respected by other people, but even more than that I want to be able to respect myself.

I don't want you to call me when you're drunk. I don't want you to send me messages when you're bored and can't find anybody else to hang out with. I don't want you to tell me what you want to do with me. I don't want you to send me dirty pictures. I don't want you to tell me you love me, because I know you don't mean it.

I just want to matter to someone. I want a guy to be with me because he wants to be with me. Because he wants to be with me! And until I find that...I would really rather just be by myself. Is that really so hard to understand?

New Self-Portraits

So what do you do when you have nothing else to do? Take pictures of yourself, of course. It's been a while since I've taken any photos, and pretty soon I'm going to be taking some of a friend for her med school applications, so this was good practice. Plus I just needed new pictures, I think. Anyway, here are the 3 that I was happy with:

A Productive Day

I've done quite a lot this afternoon, which is sort of not good because now I've got a whole 3-day weekend ahead of me with nothing to do. I might spend some time outside with my sketchbook. Anyway, here's what I've done today:

• First of all, I did my Spanish homework (which isn't even due until Wednesday) during the five minutes before Art History this morning.
• I reorganized my closet and drawers.
  
• I did all of my laundry. All of it. Even stuff I won't be able to wear for another couple of months, like turtlenecks and knee socks.
• I fixed the phone. It turned out to be really easy...I'd just plugged the cord into the wrong jack when I was setting it up a couple weeks ago. I figured that was the problem, but I've just been too lazy to move Ariane's bed to fix it. Until today, anyway.
• I vacuumed the room and sprayed odor-eliminating foamy stuff on the carpet. I'm hoping this will fix the ant problem we've been having.
  

Okay, so I guess I really haven't done that much, but those were the only things that needed to be done. Other than my resumé, that is, but I need Ariane to help me a bit with that. I'd kill to have my knitting here...I bet I'd finish a whole pair of socks this weekend! I finished reading Third Girl before I left for work last night, and then I started reading The Moving Finger at work. I don't really want to finish it this weekend (although I probably will), because I've only got 2 more books left, and what will I do when those are finished? I can't really afford to buy more, unfortunately.