Merry Christmas!

New Year's Resolutions

I know most people don't do this until after Christmas, but today I started thinking about my New Year's resolutions. Well, I'm not really thinking about them in those terms, I suppose, because when I think of New Year's resolutions, I think of ridiculously idealistic goals that nobody ever intends to see through. No, I want to set some real goals. Things I can realistically accomplish and feel good about. Things that are actually relevant to my life and the stage I'm at right now. Specific, achievable goals. Anyway, here's what I've come up with so far:

• Walk Max at least 3 times a week (but aim for every day). Obviously long periods of ice and rain would be reasonable exceptions. I'm setting this goal because both he and I need the exercise, and it's also a good bonding time for us.
• Save $1000 by the end of the year. I'd like to save more, so I might change this later, but I think this is a fairly reasonable goal for now because it's about 85 bucks a month. I plan to accomplish this by cutting my spending in the following areas: food/Starbucks (I've already started this by becoming bff with our little coffee pot), extraneous spending (stop buying clothes because I've got enough to outfit a small village, start checking out books at the library instead of buying them), gas (if I'm not constantly running to Starbucks or the mall, I won't need to fill up as often).
  
• Declutter. This project might take all year. Right now, my room is basically an unlivable space because clutter has taken over. I want to go through ALL of my clothes (including the ones packed away in the garage) and throw out/give away 50-75%. That's my goal. I've got an obscene amount of clothing, most of which I don't wear. Having less clothing will solve three problems for me: 1) I'll actually have room to put everything away; 2) I'll be forced to do laundry more often, so dirty laundry won't be allowed to pile up; and 3) This one might be a bit of a stretch, but I think it'll give me more confidence if I only have clothing that I love. As it is now, I get down to the last few articles of clean clothing, and they're not really things I like, and I end up feeling uncomfortable.
• Eat a more balanced diet. Lately I've been subsisting on coffee, Cheerios, and frozen pizza. It ain't good.
  

Aspiring to Goodness

Tonight at work I finished reading Pride and Prejudice, which I truly loved. I think I want to read Persuasion next, maybe. I'm going to Borders in the morning to wrap up my Christmas shopping (since Amazon is stupid and couldn't ship my stuff in time, even though I ordered it early enough), and I'm also going to pick up a new book to read (even though I've got about a million laying around that would probably do just as well). I have to say, reading 19th- and early 20th-century literature is completely retooling my idea of romance. As in, reminding me that romance actually existed at one point in time. And there's no reason why it shouldn't still exist. This is why I don't like most contemporary literature. There's so much sex and so little real romance. There's no courting. No passion. I'm sorry, but jumping into someone's bed is not an act of passion. I think it's sad that our culture is so obsessed with instant gratification that we sacrifice real, lasting, soul-stirring connections for temporary, physical "pleasure." Why does everything have to be now? Doesn't it make it that much better if you wait, if there's a build up of anticipation, if you spend time really getting to know someone? The more I learn about the past, the more I think we've just been passing time. Things have changed, but have they really changed for the better? Is it better that a side-effect of feminism is children coming home from school to empty houses, resorting to sex and drugs for attention from their parents who are just too busy to notice? Is it better that a result of sexual liberation has been a rapid decline in romance and even MORE pressure on women to put out? Is our society better off now that racism has been confined to private conversations between parents and children? Shouldn't we be striving to be so much more than this? Shouldn't our goal be to create a family environment in which children are nurtured, not neglected, by both parents? Shouldn't "women's rights" include the right to be respected, not pressured or harassed? Shouldn't parents teach their children about love and tolerance ALL of the time, not just when the cameras are rolling or the neighbors are watching? AND WHY IS IT SO HARD TO DO THESE THINGS? It sounds so simple, and so beautiful, and exactly what we should all want...so why isn't anybody doing it?

I don't know. Honestly, I'm not sure it's worth caring about. I can try to live my life in this way, but who will it matter to? The best I can hope for, I guess, is that it will influence my own children and inspire them to live this way too. Maybe by the time I'm dead, being a better person will be the new hot fad and everyone will aspire to goodness. But really, I doubt it. I want to be optimistic that we're just in the hedonistic extreme of a moral cycle in society. But who really knows?

P.S. Jack Johnson's new album is coming out Feb. 5th, the anticipation of which is almost enough to make the abysmally-long January a little more bearable.

Jingle Bells, Batman Smells

Oh lord, it's December. My holiday work schedule started today. Six days a week, 8-12 hours a day, for three weeks. Cha-ching! Tonight was a "light" night; I only had to work 7h45min.

Thursday was a big day for me. I got my oil changed and managed to play the dumb daddy's girl and still not get screwed over. After that, I went to the mall and bought myself some Christmas presents. I had every intention of buying myself a ring for Christmas, but when I was at Helzberg I fell in love with two and couldn't choose. So I bought both. A yellow gold smoky quartz ring and a white gold garnet ring. These pictures don't do them justice...they're so much more delicate & beautiful in person, especially the garnet ring, which sparkles like light hitting stained glass or red wine in a crystal glass. Right now they're both being sized, and I'll be able to pick them up next Thursday. I probably won't be able to wait until Christmas to wear them, though.

My grandpa is home & recovering nicely, and I'm also bouncing back from double ear infections. Things are going pretty well for me right now. Let's hope it sticks.

Entertain Me

Yesterday I was looking at my reading list and thinking, "Wow, I've read 17 books this year! That seems like so many!" Really, it's not. It's not even half of what I had planned to read this year. But it's probably more than I read in all 4 years of college combined (not counting books for classes). So it feels like something to me. :)

Instead of going to bed Saturday night, I stayed up and finished reading the last half of Joy in the Morning. It was such a good book, I wish it had never ended. It reminded me a lot of the J.D. Salinger books I loved so much in high school. Not in subject matter, really, but in tone. And the characters. I miss the Glass family...I should re-read his books sometime. I'm not sure exactly where they are, though.

Yesterday I bought the original Nancy Drew movies on DVD. There are 4 (it was a set), but I've only watched one so far. Well, I've seen most of one of the others, but that was on TV. They're really good! And Bonita Granville makes me laugh.

I really want to go to Starbucks and get a peppermint white mocha frappuccino, but I'm debating whether or not to also go to Dillons while I'm out. I can't wait to get my new debit card because writing checks is irritating.

Random Thoughts at Work

Tonight I work I had a shocking revelation: I actually like my job! I've gotten past the bullshit, have actually come to accept it. Of course there are times when I don't want to be there, but the pay is nice, and the work isn't really difficult. Plus I get to do three of my favorite things: listen to music, read (during my breaks), and think. Here are some of the thoughts I had tonight at work:

• The beginning of "Such Great Heights" by the Postal Service feels like an epic game of ping pong between my ears.
• I'll never understand why Sondre Lerche isn't popular.
• I'll never understand why half the music I listen to isn't popular.
• I really love Joy in the Morning. It reminds me of the books I loved to read in high school.
• I should read an Agatha Christie book soon, mostly because I miss the phrase pukka sahib.
• Cheerios are the best food ever.
• I love my car.
• I'm having a crisis of conscience over a piece of mail I keyed. The zip code was written 72304, and it was addressed to Conway, AZ. The street was Dave Ward. I know in my heart that the zip code should've been 72034 and the state should've been Arkansas, so I keyed it that way. Is it more right to follow the rules or key a piece of mail to the correct destination?
• If I saw a piece of mail on my screen that was addressed to me, would it be like in the movies when someone visits themself in the future? Would my screen explode?
• It's taken me 6 years, but I finally really love the shoes I wore today.
• When I walked outside after work, it had rained and it felt exactly like an early spring morning in Arkansas. It even smelled the same.

Happy Halloween (I'm not dead)!!!

I guess this will be my only post for the month of October. Oops. :) I haven't been doing much, other than working. Last week I had my 90-day review, so my probation period is over now. It's weird to think that I've been working there for 3 months. Well, that includes training and everything, but still...three whole months, and I haven't made a single friend. That's weird, right?

Tomorrow night I start my cake decorating class at Cake Stuff. I'm mucho excited!

I need to get my oil changed soon-ish.

Brunch

This morning I had brunch with my mom, her bff Debbie, and Debbie's daughter Sara. We went to Eggs Cetera in Oldtown. I'd heard good things, but I'd never been there before. It was pretty good! No Something Brewing, of course, but really...what is? God I miss that place! Anyway, Eggs Cetera was nice (previously we'd done the brunch thing at The Good Egg, which is in Bradley Fair on the east side...a pretty good restaurant, although I can't remember what I had...quiche, maybe?). This morning I had a breakfast sandwich on a bagel with scrambled eggs, smoked salmon, and cream cheese. Yum!! It came with a Waldorf salad, which was alright, and I also got a side of their house potatoes, which were NOT a good contrast to the salad. Bad move on my part. After brunch, we all sat around outside next to the parking garage across the street (where this picture was taken) and talked. Looking at this picture makes me wonder what a purse says about a woman...if anything. I asked my mom that question, and she looked at mine and said, "Uptight." Hmph. From left to right: Debbie, Sara, me, Mom.

Empowerment Day

I decided to spend today reminding myself that my personal happiness lies in my own hands. I got pretty for myself (straightening my hair for the first time in about a month!), and then I treated myself to coffee and beautiful California sunflowers and a long drive in my car. I spent the afternoon shopping with my mom at two of my favorite stores (Hallmark & Target). I almost got the sweetest freaking camera ever for my birthday, but it was sold out. Bitches. But a purple argyle sweater and a caramel frappuccino helped me bounce back in a snap.

After shopping, my mom & I met up with Tyler at Johnny Carino's, one of my favorite restaurants. I got pleasantly buzzed after a glass of my favorite wine, feasted on a honey-pecan salmon salad, and indulged in the dreamiest tiramisu I've ever had in my life. Talk about a fantastic birthday dinner! I even made it home in time to catch the season premiere of Ugly Betty, although I ended up sleeping through about it half of it.

Anyway, this has been one of the happiest & most satisfying birthdays of my life. I'm glad I took control of the situation and did what I wanted to do today, instead of sitting around and expecting everyone to read my mind. I know today wasn't really my birthday, but it was the perfect day to celebrate it.

I think I found my happy. Again.

Lemon Polka-Dot Birthday Cupcakes!

What the hell, Mother Nature?

So in my last post, I sing your praises for bringing autumn early. And in return, you bring us a week of 90-degree weather. This is unacceptable.

A Cure For Loneliness?

Not much has happened since the last time I posted. I'm still horribly lonely, but I'm trying to get over it.

Right now I'm in the process of autumn-izing my world. Luckily for me, the weather is cooperating! I figure autumn-ification is pretty darn difficult when you want to wear a sweater, but it's 100 degrees in the shade. For once, Mother Nature seems to agree. Anyway, my world smells like pumpkin & cinnamon, sounds like sweet slow jazz, and feels as warm and cozy as yo mama's womb. Translation: I've got pumpkin cupcakes in the oven, Madeleine Peyroux in the CD player, and socks on my feet.

I've decided to take a stained glass class and make my own damn mirror, because it's nicer than wanting my mom to die. Because I don't. That would be horrible!

Mum's Chubby Pumpkin!

END TOUR--GO HOME!

Since I've started this job (which, granted, was only a week ago), there have only been 2 whole nights when I didn't have to stay late. I guess maybe I shouldn't complain because I had originally been planning to sign up for a 7 and a half hour shift anyway. But at least that would've included a lunch break. I've been taking a snack with me to eat during my 10 minute break at the 4-hour mark, and usually that gives me enough energy to power through the last two or three hours, but man...not tonight! I'm exhausted and very hungry.

But tomorrow's my day off! And yesterday I found out that I'm not being mandated to work on Labor Day, so I actually get a full 2 days off this weekend.

I'm tired.

"The Minnow & The Trout"--A Fine Frenzy

Help me out,
Said the minnow to the trout
I was lost and found
Myself swimming in your mouth

Oh, help me chief,
I've got plans for you and me
I swear upon this riverbed,
I'll help you feel young again

Oh, not your everyday circumstance
The hummingbird
Taking coffee with the ants,
And I said

Please, I know that we're different
But we were one cell in the sea
In the beginning
And what we're made of
Was all the same once
We're not that different after all

Help me out,
Said the eagle to the dove
I've fallen from
My nest so high above

Oh, help me fly
I am too afraid to try
Now saddled with a fear of heights
I'm praying you can set me right

Oh, not your everyday circumstance
The elephant
Sharing peanuts with the rats
And I said

Please, I know that we're different
But we were one cell in the sea
In the beginning
And what we're made of
Was all the same once
We're not that different after all

We are tied in history,
Wide-connected like a family, a family
We are tied in history,
Wide-connected like a family, a family...

Bad Day

I've had a pretty rotten day. Actually, my day wasn't that bad. I made a giant little cake. And I got a great picture of Max being a total badass. Plus, my hair is freaking awesome. Isn't it amazing what a haircut, a little bit (or a lot) of dye, and an eyebrow wax can do? Yeah.

BUT it was all flushed down the toilet when I hit my brother's car when I was backing out of the driveway tonight. THEN, when I tried to move my car a bit so I could back out without hitting his car again, I hit the basketball goal. None of the damage to either car was that bad (mostly scraped paint), and Tyler's not cursing my very existence. And he's only squeezing 20 bucks out of me for his "grief."

Ugh...hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Gotta Get Up!

Whyyyyyyy did I volunteer to train on a Saturday? Soooo sleepy... At least the time goes by pretty quickly when you're on the computers, and there won't be traffic at 9am on a Saturday.

I didn't think training was going very well after the first day, when I only passed 4 tests and failed 3, but yesterday was a lot better. I passed 9 tests and only failed 2. A-Coding is soooo much easier than N-Coding, but I'm not really sure why.

I'm really ready for fall. I keep seeing school buses driving around town, and I've even seen the occasional leaf falling. Now I'm ready for the air to turn crisp and cool!

Post #275

Anger has (mostly) subsided. I'm done with Dillon's...I don't need to think about it anymore, right? And why should I be so shocked that people would be rude, thoughtless, or unapologetic? If that job taught me anything, it's that people are horrible.

Anyway, today's been a pretty good day. I'm tired, though...but that's probably a good thing, because I shouldn't have too much trouble going to bed at a decent time tonight. Tomorrow's my first day at the post office, and I've gotta get up at 7. I'm excited to finally be starting this job, although I've been warned that the first three days--which all take place in the conference room--are excruciatingly dull.

Right now I'm in the middle of packing up all of the stuff I've been accumulating lately...mainly housewares and Christmas ornaments.

If I Hadn't Quit Already, This Would've Made Me Do It...

I think, as a special goodbye tribute to me on my last night at the store, every fucking moron on the east side of Wichita decided to come through UScan tonight. I mean I had everything...people who don't understand the concept of tax, people who don't know how to follow directions, people who are just fucking stupid. And, the cherry on top of the entire night came at 11 o'clock, when the store was technically closed. That's when a group of three assholes with two carts full of stuff AND a WIC order decided they were ready to check out. While Nick processed the WIC order, Jarion checked out the rest of their stuff and I bagged. Once Nick and I were almost done bagging everything--including a LOT of meat, frozen, and dairy items--Jarion discovered that their fucking Vision card wouldn't work. So then Nick and I had to go through the whole cart and sort out all of the perishables to take back to the cooler. And were the assholes apologetic? Well, in true asshole fashion, of course not! They were just pissed that they couldn't get their stuff.

I'm so angry at this point, I'm not even happy that I never have to go back. I just want to smash something.

Quatre-Quarts au Chocolat

Nothing of Consequence

A couple days ago I found my pearl ring. I hadn't ever unpacked it after coming home, and I wasn't really sure where it was. Anyway, I found it. Happiness and joy.

I'm so frustrated with my job at Dillons. I've only got 2 days left, but it's hell. I don't even want to think about it anymore.

I've been baking and shopping. Shopping and baking. Happy to be baking, but need to stop shopping. ASAP.

Gateau Breton

I just made gateau Breton (a French butter cake). It's the best thing I've ever made! Okay, so it's a little burnt around the edges, and the bottom is a little brown too, but it's delicious! Definitely something I can see myself making all the time. I didn't take a picture because it's not perfect, plus I couldn't wait to eat it.

One thing, though...this is the 2nd thing I've made from How to be a Domestic Goddess, and while I love both things I've made, I'm not so crazy about the recipes. The cheesecake was a little bitter, and the gateau Breton...well, I took it out of the oven a full 10 minutes before I was supposed to, and it had still burned around the edges.

Everything Falls Apart

Well, maybe I'm not that emo yet. But my life is certainly not "Everything Magically Comes Together All At Once!" You would think I'd know this by now and therefore wouldn't get my hopes up so high when exciting things appear to be in the works for me. And yet...

Okay kids, story time! Once upon a time there was this beautiful princess. Er, no, not really. She was really just average. But from an early age, she displayed loads of promise and potential, particularly in such academic novelties as the three R's. Disappointingly, although perhaps not surprisingly, this wunderkind peaked in high school. Her post-secondary "education" existed primarily in the realms of sex, drugs (of the fermented persuasion), and knitting circles, with occasional forays into the classroom. Perhaps with an eye to the future, though perhaps only with an eye to placating her disapproving father, she managed to scrape by with a degree in the most pragmatic (and, incidentally, the most boring) subject she could find: accounting. After graduation (which she did not attend, under the guise of disliking ceremonies...though the truth is something closer to a desire not to see exactly how far she'd fallen in four short years), she balked at the idea of becoming an accountant. Her? A princess? Crunching numbers all day? Pshaw! So she did what any princess faced with reality would do: delayed it a little while by finding a Small Pond where she could still be a Big Fish. She returned to her horrible job as a punching bag for grumpy people, where she was paid in beans and disapproving glares. She prayed for a prince or a miracle to come and rescue her from this horrible hell she had made for herself. Then one day--one beautiful, miraculous day--her prayers were answered! She got an interview for a job she desperately wanted, one for which they only required an ordinary dutchess. And she...she was a princess...a very special princess! She felt sure they would hire her, especially after the interview went so well. And she would finally be able to move into her own castle! Compounding her good fortune and sense of impending glory, the princess met a wonderful prince who could see how truly beautiful she was. However, our princess must have been born under a very unlucky star indeed, for only a few short days later it was all ripped away. The job was given to an ordinary dutchess, and her beautiful prince, upon receiving her kisses, turned into a frog. (For the record, our princess would like to point out that it is much more likely for princes to turn into frogs upon being kissed than the way it goes down in the traditional tale.)

So there you have it. A fairytale in reverse.

Chocolate Cheesecake (With Raspberry & Mint Leaf Garnish)

pretty as a penny, rollerskate skinny

I didn't really want to write about this, just in case I fail, but tomorrow morning I'm going to the DMV to get my license. I'm nervous, and I don't really know what I'm going to do if I don't pass. Hopefully that won't be an issue. I'm trying not to think about it, anyway. Last night I drove home from work. It was my first time driving on Kellogg, and I think I did pretty well. My turns still aren't great, and I'm mostly nervous about the pulling into/backing out of a parking space thing because I don't have any practice with that AT ALL. At Dillons, almost all of the spaces are slanted, and the place where I park isn't nose-to-nose with another space, so I always just pull through. The only other parking I've done is in a driveway. But hopefully everything will go alright tomorrow...if you're reading this, please cross your fingers for me!!

In other news, I've been abnormally tired lately. I think the lack of sleep over the past couple of weeks is just finally catching up to me. Plus, there have been a couple of nights recently when I've stayed up really, really late.

Other than sleeping a lot, not much has been going on with me lately. Just work. I did a little shopping on Saturday, and today I got a few things from Amazon. I'm still expecting one more thing...it should be here by the end of the week, I think. Then I'll have 4 Old 97s CDs. Well, 5, but one of them I downloaded and haven't burned onto a CD yet. Man oh man, I'm like obsessed with this band now.

You Might Think It's Stupid, But I Still Think It's Art

Maybe all of my post titles should be Rhett Miller lyrics from now on. Yeah, I kinda dig that idea. At least for today. So I ordered 3 Old 97s CDs today. J.Crew sent me size 10 flip-flops (although I definitely ordered size 11), but it's okay because apparently sizes are negotiable when it comes to non-binding footwear. Okay, they're not as comfortable as one size up would be, but they work. I just need to break them in or something.

If a "tween" is someone stuck between being a kid and a teenager, what do you call someone stuck between being a...whatever...and an adult? Twadult? Uh, I dunno. But whatever it is, I had one of those moments this morning over my breakfast of Fruity Pebbles and café Vienna. Hey, they actually don't taste so bad together. I bought a few groceries last night. I think we're going to try this new thing...Mom buys basic staples, but if we want anything special we're on our own. I started by buying lime popsicles, all natural Oreo-type cookies, veggie chips, pad thai, a sesame chicken noodle bowl (which I ate for lunch today...it wasn't very good...the "chicken flavor" was vegan; I think maybe if I'd stirred in some chicken boullion, it would've improved the flavor greatly), Fruity Pebbles, café Vienna instant coffee, Jones soda, shortbread, and strawberry fruit leather. Mostly snack-type stuff, since I'm not home to eat meals much these days.

Xena has taken over my big red chair. :-\

My Life...My Stupid, Stupid Life

"It's just two days out of your life, Whitney."

I find myself hearing this every week these days. Between working all of these hours in scanning, working some hours in the front end, and going through this application process at the post office...I'm exhausted! My whole body aches, I'm tired, and I'm frustrated with my life.

Today was day 2 of working 5am-2pm. Test-scanning in produce was a freaking mess. After work, I came home (after stopping at Taco Bell to get some lunch) and filled out paperwork. At 7 I have my pre-employment orientation at the post office, and that's supposed to last 1.5-2 hours. So I'm probably not going to get to bed until 10, and I have to be at work at 3 tomorrow morning. Well, at least I just took a shower, so I won't really need to take one in the morning. Yay for an extra 20 minutes of sleep! :-\

My body is being thrown out of whack these days. I'm not getting enough sleep, I'm not getting regular sleep (which makes it really hard to get any sleep at all sometimes!), I'm eating total crap, I've stopped walking Max (which means I've stopped walking myself too), UGH. My skin is less than perfect, I started my period yesterday, I've got a constant cold...I hate this!

How Come I'm Killing Myself?? (Oh Rhett Miller...)

Well, I didn't get the job in Hutchinson. I checked the website a few days ago, and the job posting had been removed, so I'm assuming they hired someone else. Last night I applied for another job at the same facility, though. "Facility Engineering ASP"...something about being an assistant to the facility engineering director. Sorting the mail is listed as one of the duties of the position. There's a lot of other stuff I'd be doing too, though...payroll, preparing reports, reconciliations, planning/implementing projects, etc. I found another job I'm thinking of applying for, a position as an office manager somewhere on this side of town. I found it in the newspaper, in the classifieds section. I don't know, though...I'd be applying through some kind of personnel company, and I don't know how I feel about sending my contact info to someone I found in the paper. And I don't know what company I'd be working for. And it's "up to $14/hr"...which would be nice, but it isn't much more than I'll be making at the post office, and the hours would probably be such that I couldn't keep my job at Dillons also. Plus, I'm really looking for something full-time with benefits, and this didn't mention anything about benefits.

Ugh. Other than that stuff, my life has been...boring. Work, work, work. My third schedule for this week gave me today off, which is nice because otherwise I would be in the middle of another 7-day stretch with no time off. And yesterday I found out just how not worth it that is. I got my paycheck from last week's 40 hours. And yes, I worked a 12-hour day and got no overtime. So what was my 40-hour week worth to Dillons? What did my blood, sweat, and tears get me? (Okay, so I don't know about the blood, but I definitely lost some sweat and tears last week.) After taxes, a whopping $246.78! It's the biggest check I've ever gotten, but it's still pathetically small. And I know it'll just continue to seem smaller and smaller once I start working at the post office. I'll be glad when next week is over...after that, my schedule should go back to the normal 20-or-so hours per week. And I'll get to stay home.

Sorry guys. Other than work, I have nothing to write about. I'm too tired from work to do anything interesting, and anyway I don't so much have friends here at home.

Christmas in July

Between last week and this week, I pretty much have a full-time job, minus the benefits like vacation & stuff. I can't wait to get paid, man. So I can see how much this is all really worth. A.K.A. not much.

July 14th-15th is the premiere weekend for the new Hallmark Keepsake Ornaments. *dork* Yeah, I'm super excited. There are like 4 on the website that I want, including the new Holiday Angels ornament (a series I started collecting last Christmas). I can't tell what symbol of the season this one's holding...it could be either a snowflake or a star. The angel is blue & white & silver. So beautiful! And ya know what? Hallmark has a pear ornament this year!! I'm ridiculously thrilled about this! I'm *hoping* that it's a sign that pear ornaments will be all over the place this year...

Crap, I've gotta go pack...I have to leave for work early today so I can drop off an overnight bag at my dad's house. I'm staying there tonight because I have to be at work at 5 tomorrow morning. Ugh^2.

Dear job,

Please stop sucking.

Thx.

Love,
Whitney

Hello, Stranger

Tons of stuff has happened since my last update. I've worked 30 hours since Monday (including 12 hours on Wednesday alone!). I've driven on the highway, in traffic, in the dark, and in the rain. I passed the typing test for the post office job, and my pre-employment orientation is scheduled for the 10th of July. I bought season one of The Odd Couple on DVD, Pretty Little Head by Nellie McKay, and a few books. And I've fallen in love with a new ice cream.

I'm so tired!!

Apartment Stuff

A while back, I took inventory of the stuff I've got for an apartment and made a list of things I still need. Since then, my collection has grown significantly--especially in the furniture department. So I figured I might as well make a new list, to see where I'm at now.

Things I Have:

• Bedroom furniture (twin-size mattress, boxed springs, bed frame & headboard, chest of drawers, nightstand, bookcase)
• Living room furniture (armchair, coffee table, 2 bookcases)
• Entertainment system-ish (big TV, DVD player, stereo)
• Rugs
• Computer & desk
• Folding table & chairs
• Kitchen stuff (dishes, mugs, silverware, santoku knife, cookie sheets, George Foreman grill, iced tea maker, microwave, wooden salad bowl, barware, colander, baking pans, etc.)
• Vacuum cleaner
• Towels, bedding, curtains
• Telephone w/ answering machine
• Iron
  

Things I Need:

• A set of cookware (pots & pans)
• Knives
• Blender
• Toaster
• Kitchen utensils (spatulas, mixing spoons, etc.)
• Drying rack for dishes
• Various other kitchen doodads
  
• Bathroom rug
• Ironing board
  
• End table for the living room

I think I'm pretty well set, actually. I'm really glad I've been buying apartment stuff for the past few years. It makes it a lot easier to move on such short notice, if I do get this job in Hutchinson. Speaking of the job, pleeeeeeeeeease cross your fingers for me!!

Striped Crew--In Progress

Orange Kimono Cardi

Knitting for Babies

Tonight I started knitting the first of three baby sweaters for which I just bought yarn. I'm using this yummy machine washable cashmere-blend stuff that I love. It's super-soft, never itchy, and did I mention machine washable? And, hello, cashmere!! Basically the perfect yarn. It's not even super expensive. Actually, cheaper than the organic cotton stuff called for in the patterns. Anyway, all three sweaters I'm knitting are from a book I recently bought, Natural Knits for Babies and Moms. Great book, adorable patterns (not to mention, adorable babies!!). Maybe it seems a little weird that I'm knitting baby sweaters...I'm not pregnant, I swear!! But sometimes I need a little break from knitting socks, and scarves and hats are boring. And anything else takes so much yarn and so much time.

Anyway, this first sweater is an adorable kimono-style which I'm knitting up with a lovely pumpkin-colored yarn. It's not quite as dark as I wish it would've been, but it looks nice anyway. Today I finished the back and both front pieces. All I've got left are the sleeves, seams, and edging (plus sewing on the little charcoal-gray buttons I got). I feel pretty confident that I'll finish it tomorrow, and then of course I'll post pictures.

The other two sweaters I'm knitting are a pale aqua- & dark teal-striped crewneck, and a gray cabled turtleneck. Lovely!!

FYI part trois

♪♪♪

New music always makes me feel better. I've kind of gone on a downloading spree over the past couple days. Newest acquisitions:

• Rhett Miller, The Believer
• Nellie McKay, Get Away From Me
• Tristan Prettyman, Twenty Three
• G. Love, Lemonade
• The Wreckers, Stand Still, Look Pretty

I haven't listened to the last 2 yet, but the first three are all great, especially Nellie McKay and Tristan Prettyman. Rhett Miller is good, but it's just kind of...average? I don't know. There are a couple of songs that stand out to me, but mostly it's just music.

Alone.

Yesterday I was hit with a big blow to my self-esteem: the realization that I have no friends. It's true, though. My only friend here in Wichita is my dog. But don't get me wrong, because I'm head over heels for the little furball. And I've got hobbies. Namely, watching House and knitting socks and walking Max and learning two languages and blah blah blah. But I'm a nice person, and I've got excellent personal hygiene, so why don't I have any friends? Easy answer: because I've been gone for four years, and I don't know anybody here. And the people I work with fall into three categories: 1) high school kids...I'm definitely not hanging out with them; 2) college kids (and this would include Evan, the closest thing I have to a friend)...their idea of a good time is to get rip roaring drunk...and three months ago, I would've so been down with that...but I honestly just don't have it in me to keep putting myself in bad situations (nor does my body enjoy the abuse); and 3) middle-aged married people...I'm not quite ready to hang out with that set yet, thank you very much.

So what do I do? How do I meet people? How do I make friends? All anybody seems to suggest is "going out"...i.e. going out to bars. I hate bars. I hate the smoke. And I don't drink anymore. Plus, the people who go to bars aren't the kind of people I'm looking for as friends.

I suppose one way to meet people would be to actually go out with one of the creeps who hit on me. I don't want to do that, though. I really don't want to date anyone right now, mostly because I want to be choosier about who I get involved with.

I think it's kind of funny because people keep asking me if I think I can handle two jobs. Of course I can. I might not have quite so much free time to sleep or watch House or learn Italian and Portuguese. My life is lame...at least if I'm working, I'll be getting paid and it won't be quite so obvious that I'm basically alone.

I just finished season 1 of "House"...omg help I'm so bored.

So I'm currently learning 2 languages--Portuguese and Italian. Lately I've been making all of these friends (online) from around the world. I'm learning so much, and I love it. It makes me a little sad, though, because it's a reminder that I'm, ya know, here. But it also gives me a feeling of power over my situation...like maybe I really could leave. Just go somewhere. Anyway, I need money and a passport (if I go abroad, that is...I may just go somewhere else in-country), so it's not something that's going to happen anytime soon. But the more pissed off I get at the situation I've put myself in, the more motivated I am to get out of it.

And for the guys out there, here's some advice:

Situations in Which Not to Hit on Me:

• If you're a dirty old man, even if you don't think you're a dirty old man, please don't hit on me. It's so creepy!! If you're over 35, just stop. Shit, even if you're over 30, you're pushing it.
• If you're high as a kite. I'm not a bag of Doritos, k?
• IF YOU'RE WITH YOUR MOTHER! Seriously. That's just weird.
• IF YOU'RE WITH YOUR KIDS! Seriously. That's just wrong.
• If you're going to hit on me by insulting me. Yeah, you're just not getting anywhere with that one...
• If I'm at work, period. I'm sweaty, I'm gross, and I'm probably only being nice to you because it's my job. Please don't tell me how nice it would be to wake up to the sound of my voice. Please don't ask for my number. Please don't give me those looks. I'm not in the mood, I'm not interested, I'm not available.
  

Thanks For Ruining My Day

Today should've been a great day. I made a new friend who's teaching me Italian. I got to see Evan for the first time in about 10 months. Stratford Hardy came through my line at work.

And then...I had The Customer From Hell. She was awful. She said I grabbed her money out of her hand, and she pretty much threatened to "smack the hell" out of me. She lodged a complaint against me.

I also have a headache and really sore muscles. And my cold is coming back (did it ever go away?).

Ugh, I want to quit. I want to quit sooooo bad.

I ♥ Lush

A while back, I bought a bunch of stuff from Lush. While I love everything I got, my favorite has definitely been the soap. My bar, the Ooh La La bar, is now running out, and I'm very sad about it. Or at least I was, until I ordered more soap yesterday. I bought 4 bars this time, one each of Ooh La La, Alkmaar, Angel's Delight, and Figs & Leaves. Last night I used my Angels on Bare Skin facial cleanser and the Tea Tree Water toner. My skin always feels so soft and smooth after I use that stuff. I'd do it every night, but the cleanser is kind of messy because you have to mix it with water to make a paste. But really, it's worth it.

I was supposed to go driving this morning, but I was exhausted. I still am. I actually slept until 8 today! It's been a while since I've done that. This has been like an actual weekend for me...so weird!! I got off work at 1 on Friday afternoon, I was off yesterday, and I don't have to go in until 7 o'clock tonight.

What to do, what to do...

I have too many DVDs. I forgot to mention that, although I didn't pay for it (yay for the mommy!), When Harry Met Sally was also added to my collection today. I unpacked a ton of DVD cases this afternoon, but I'm still missing 8 cases. The bookcase I've got set up for DVDs is almost full. I've got room for maybe 4 more...and I'm missing 8! And I don't even have my boxed sets on there. I'm not really sure where I'm going to put those. I need another bookcase or a DVD rack or something. Jeez...obsessed much?

I watched about half of Night at the Museum at my dad's house last night, and I finished watching it this afternoon. It's not the best movie I've ever seen, but it was pretty good. Of course, I ♥ Dick Van Dyke, so anything with him is always tops for me! :D

Il Pleut

No more work until Sunday night! Woohoo! AND EVAN'S COMING BACK!!!!

I deposited 2 paychecks today. My account is happy now. I even put money in savings for a change. Crazy. To reward myself for all the hard work (because, ya know, I don't do this nearly often enough), I went to Target with the intention of buying a movie. Well, I ended up buying the first season of House, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (the original one!), and Father of the Bride (the one with Steve Martin). Bad Whitney. But ohhhh so happy.

I actually had kind of a fun day at work today. I learned how to make signs and do receiving. And I got to test scan the produce department! Yeah, fun stuff.

There are so many movies I want to see right now...Knocked Up, Mr. Brooks, Waitress, some indie/foreign films...

Ugh...Make Adulthood Stop...

This has been a long week. Sunday was...busy. Very busy. I barely remember Monday...it seems like it was so long ago. I didn't do much that day, other than take Max for two mile-long walks. And I watched like half of MI:3 before passing out for the night. Yesterday I worked 8 hours at a snail's pace. I finished putting up tags like an hour before my lunch break and spent the rest of the day test scanning in HBA. Ughhhhhhh. No seriously...I thought the day would never end. I worked 8 hours again today, and it wasn't bad. And by that I mean it wasn't slow. Well, I was moving pretty slowly, except for the last hour or two of my shift, because I was freezing. I need to start bringing a jacket or sweater or something because they've got me doing Dairy all the time, and man it's freezing in there. But yeah, the store was just...packed today. And not with customers. Stockers, vendors, people resetting shelves. Blah blah blah. Soooo many people, everybody getting in each other's way. It was hard to do my job.

Anyway, now my mom's pissed at me because my room is still a mess and I still haven't unpacked or done all of my laundry. Well...I feel bad...but not really. I mean seriously...when am I supposed to do this stuff? I was barely home on Sunday. I guess I should've done it Monday. I know I should've done it Monday. Or last Friday or Saturday. But I didn't. And this week...this week is no good. But I guess I have to do it all tomorrow anyway. So much for having a day off to relax.

Tonight I did my exit interview crap for my student loans. I have to start paying them back in mid-November, and the payment's gonna be $190.80 per month. I owe a LOT more than I thought I did, which sucks. So now I'm officially POOR. I was really thinking about quitting Dillons if I got the job at the post office, but now it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to.

Yesterday Was...Sketchy! And Fun.

Yesterday was an interesting day, particularly at work, where it was "Hey Let's Be SAMFs and Hit On Whitney" Day. First some guy who was with his mom tried to get my number, and when I wouldn't give it to him he wrote down my name and the store number, and then he stole my pen. He wouldn't leave until his mom practically dragged him out of the store. THEN there was some old man, in his 70s, with his freaking grandson...I told him good morning, and he (the old man) said, "Oooh, your voice is so soft...I wish I'd woken up to you this morning!" Then he looked up at me and said, "I looked up and was expecting to see a little girl...but you're a sexy mama!!" I'd been helping him unload his cart, but at that point I pretty much ran back around to my register, and I rang up his stuff, turning crimson the whole time. After he paid, he said, "I'm gonna come back and see you again sometime!" SO SKETCH!

After work, I had lunch at The Good Egg with my mom, Debbie, and Sara. Swiss frittata...ham, Swiss cheese, mushrooms, black olives, tomatoes, sour cream...yummy! And a banana whip smoothie. I ♥ breakfast food. I miss Something Brewing. Anyway, we had a ton of fun, sitting around talking about men, sex, marriage, and raising kids. I was pretty much lost. I haven't had much, if any, experience with those subjects. But it was interesting.

After lunch, we went to see Grandma & Grandpa. They're so cute...

Then I came home and pretty much passed out. Which meant I got up before 7 today. Ugh. But I guess it's good, really, because I've gotta be at work at 5 tomorrow, Wednesday, and Friday. But I'm off today, Thursday, and Saturday!! Saturday is the test for the job at the post office. I hope I get that job.

Wheeee!!

So I just got back from driving my Mustang for the first time. My first time behind the wheel of a car in 4 and a half years. And guess what? I'M A GOOD DRIVER!!!! Well, not great, not really even good...but leaps and bounds better than I was in high school.

What a relief.

Bee Happy! Bzzzz.

A week from today, I'm taking the test for the job at the post office. Yay? No, really, I do hope I get this job, even if it means I could be working almost 60 hours a week between the post office and Dillons. Even if it means that I will have become my mother and my father.

I need to stop this at some point. I can't just become them. Not that I don't love them, not that I don't think they're both wonderful people. I do. But I need to be my own person, and I need to...I don't know...let it be okay if they're not happy with what I'm doing. If I move away, or if I never do anything with my degree (of which nobody hesitates to remind me the cost)...as long as I'm happy, ya know? I think my mom understands that, at least sort of. My dad...no, not really. That makes me sad. That people care so much about money and other stupid stuff more than they care about my happiness.

Ugh...I'm feeling so lazy today.

Fridays with Max

People with big dogs should not have small fences. I took Max for a walk/jog this morning, and on our way home from the park I thought we were gonna be mauled by several huge barking beasts. I shit you not, I saw one RUN UP A WALL trying to get over its fence! And it almost did, too. Thank God Max is practically oblivious to other dogs...if he'd started barking back, I'm afraid it would've given those dogs that extra little bit of motivation they needed to jump the hurdles. I know it's because Bullwinkle got attacked on a walk when I was 9, but I'm so paranoid about big stray dogs. Little stray dogs don't scare me much, though. One followed us about halfway through the park today. A little white poodle. She just kept following us, and until she & Max were face-to-face, he absolutely ignored her. I'm glad she eventually got distracted enough to stop following us, though...I was a little worried she'd follow us all the way home, and I wouldn't have had the heart to shut her out.

This morning I finished reading New Moon, finally. It was a good book, not quite as good as Twilight, but still really good. It just took me so long to finish it because I haven't really had much time to read lately...not to mention my room's been such a mess, I've usually got junk all over my bed, so I don't always have a place to read.

Extreme Makeover: Bedroom Edition

So the room is seriously starting to come together. Here's all I've got left to do:

• Put books on the shelves (I'm having to be more choosey than I'd like...I just have too, too many books...and this bookcase isn't as big as I thought, unless I stack my books double-deep...which makes me a little nervous).
• Set up my little bookcase (the one I had in my dorm room) and put all my DVDs on it (which means I also need to find my DVDs and put them all back in their cases...ughhh).
• Put all of my clothes away (which means unpacking all of my clothes, which I still haven't done).
• Unpack everything else I want to put in my room, then put everything else out in the garage.
• Hang shit on the walls (today I took almost everything down).
• Vacuum and put my rug down.
• Clean out my closet (huuuuuuuge project...may not be done until later this summer).

Man...writing all of that out makes me wonder what the hell I've been doing this whole time. But I look around my room, and all of this is really just little stuff compared to what I've done so far. It feels good to be almost done. I'm planning to do several of these things tonight, especially since I don't really have to go to bed early or anything. I'd love to pop in a movie while I work, but my crummy DVD player has decided that playing 2 and half episodes of Kyle XY was more than enough work for one day, and now it's being stupid on me again. Yay for cheap electronics! :-\

Close to Done...

My room is really starting to come together. All of the furniture is assembled and in its place. I just need to put everything away...which is no small task, trust me. But right now I'm taking an extended break and watching a few episodes of Kyle XY.

It's amazing what a little furniture and decluttering can do for a room. It actually looks like a 20-something woman lives here...not a feral pig.

Once everything is done and put away (I'm estimating sometime Saturday), I'll take pictures and post them. Yay for pictures!

Ouch.

Moving furniture suuuuuuucks. My back hurts like crazy. And it's not like I'm done or anything, of course. I can't even see my bed anymore because there's so much stuff on top of it. Jeez.

Well, at least I'm being productive. Right?

Haha...Oh Maroon 5, I'd forgotten how much I love you!!

So I'm sitting here listening to the new Maroon 5 CD, and "Nothing Lasts Forever" comes on...and I think to myself, "Wow...I really like this song." Then I think, "Hey...I know this song! Why do I know this song?" Then I realize...Oh, this is Adam Levine's part from Kanye West's "Heard 'Em Say" (a.k.a. my favorite KW song)!! So, yes, favorite song on the CD so far. Although "Won't Go Home Without You" (the 2nd song the band performed on SNL last weekend) is a very close second right now. I can't really put my finger on why, but parts of it remind me of old Stevie Wonder songs.

Anyway, I'm only about half way through it, but so far this is a really good CD. Ten times better than their first, definitely.

edit:
Okay, new favorite: "Better That We Break." So sad, so beautiful... Today I realized that I really like sad breakup songs. I find them more romantic than a lot of love songs. What the hell?

Wednesday, Wednesday

Ahhh, it's nice to get off at 10:30 on a Wednesday morning and know that I don't have to go back to work until 4 o'clock Friday afternoon, and even then it's just for 3 and a half hours, and I've got Saturday off. This has been a really easy week at work, even though I'm working longer shifts. I'd rather work longer shifts and have more days off, though.

Next week I'm going to get a shit ton of hours, I think. This morning Kris told me she's got me down for scanning 3 days next week...that's 24 hours right there! And I'm sure I'll be checking at least a couple days.

Today has been really unproductive. I need to finish cleaning out my room so I can start putting it back together. I assembled my new dresser yesterday, and it's bigger than I thought, so I've had to change my plan for the room layout a bit, but I actually like the new plan better. It frees up more space, and I'm not going to have a weird piece of furniture that doesn't match everything else. Good stuff. Anyway, unproductive...after work, I came home and chilled for a bit, then I ended up passing out in my bed for 3 or 4 hours. Around 4, I went to Target with my mom. Fun stuff, yo...among other things, I got the new Maroon 5 CD, the first season of Kyle XY, Pan's Labyrinth, and a new book. Yay for entertainment that I have no time to enjoy...!

P.S. Tyler may be driving the Mustang for a while. Pray for my car, please.

Yay for craptacular cell phone pictures...!

So this is what my hair looks like when it's curly:


Man, I need to go to bed...I have to get up in less than 6 hours. YUCK!!!!

I ♥ Martina McBride. Since when? I'm not sure. But suddenly I've got more of her music than Lily Allen's. What the heck?

*death*

I was up until midnight putting together my new bookcase. It took four hours. Ridiculous. This morning I got up a little after 7 and put my bed together. Putting the bed together didn't take too long (maybe 20 or 30 minutes), but I had to clear a place for it, which meant moving out furniture and throwing a ton of shit away.

Anyway, bookcase and bed are done. Now I've got the dresser and the nightstand left for Monday night/Tuesday. Plus packing, unpacking, repacking, arranging, rearranging, blah blah blah. I think I should have it all done by Saturday night. I'm off Tuesday, only working Wednesday morning (leaving me the rest of the day to work on the room), and off on Friday & Saturday. And Thursday...I don't know what I'm going to do about Thursday...I'm scheduled to work 12pm-5pm. I have no idea how I'm going to get there.

Man, it's nice to just sit down for a little while...

Dirty :(

We're cleaning out the garage today, but all I want to do is empty out my room so I can set up my new bed, dresser, bookcase, and nightstand. I've finally finished going through all of my stuff in the garage...pitching stuff I don't want, packing up stuff I do. It looks like it's about to start raining.

So yeah...all new furniture for my room, with the exception of the TV stand. But once I save up some money, I'll probably go back & buy the one that matches my furniture. I also got some new sheets and stuff. I'm actually kind of hesitant to assemble the new furniture & set everything up in my room before I paint, just because it's going to be a hassle to move it all out again when I do finally get around to painting. Oh well.

Ugh...so dirty...so tired...I wish I had tomorrow off too. Or I wish I were either working early in the morning or late at night, because as it is I'm working 2pm-7pm...right smack dab in the middle of the day!

The Sun Does Indeed Smile On Me

I went bed-shopping today. First I went to Furniture Row...BIG MISTAKE!! They didn't have anything. Nothing that wasn't in the kids section. Nothing that didn't cost an arm and a leg. Then I went to Slumberland, and found exactly what I was looking for, and they just happened to have one on clearance, and it just happened to only cost me $115 (including tax!!).
It's just the headboard, and it's for a twin-size bed. SO HAPPY!! Except for the guy who was checking me out in the warehouse loading area thing...that was a little sketch. Reminded me of the customer who was hitting on me yesterday. They were both about 5 and a half feet tall. Hey, could someone taller than me please hit on me now? K thx.

I also bought a candle and other smelly-good things at Bath & Body Works. And tomorrow I'm getting some more furniture for my room. Yay for redecorating!!

Great Day!!

Today's been a pretty decent day, other than the headache, back ache, and constant sleepiness. I went shopping. I got a grown-up purse, but it's not like old lady-ish. It's blue leather, and the liner is leopard-print (not cheesy, though). It was 30% off (still pretty expensive, though)! I also got a new battery for my watch (which died like 6 months ago) and some new clothes (a couple pairs of bermuda shorts, 3 pairs of pjs, and a bunch of new undies).

Work wasn't too bad today. People were nice (customers & coworkers), and the time went by pretty fast. I didn't make any mistakes and everything was pretty much smooth sailing.

Tomorrow I get to *hopefully* pick out a new bed. And go out to lunch. And maybe go see a movie. And work a closing shift (as much as I used to complain about them, I miss the relaxed atmosphere of summer nights at the store).

Sunglasses

Today I got sunglasses! Well, picked them out & ordered them. They'll be here sometime next week!!

The winning frames:
I also bought a new purse and some clothes today. Yay for new things I can't afford!!

Need To Find Something Else...

I don't think it's really sunk in that I'm home for good. I keep thinking, "Oh, I've gotta remember to get this done!" Completely forgetting that I've got, well, the rest of forever to do it.

I hate my job. I don't like saying that because I really am grateful to have it, even though I'm grossly overqualified for it. And I do need the money. But all of the reasons why I used to actually like my job--the people I worked with--are gone. Well, I'm sure they're not all gone. Tina's still there, and I saw Jeff today (although he wasn't working), and I'm pretty sure Kamron's still there, and Evan is probably coming back when he finishes up the semester. As much as getting up at 3AM sucks, I think I'd like to switch to doing scanning all the time. Three hours checking is stressful and goes by sooooo sloooow. Eight hours scanning is hard work, and my muscles ache like crazy the next day, but I enjoy the work, and the day goes by fast. Plus I ♥ the scanning crew.

Anyway, everyone and their mom keeps trying to set me up with an accounting job. It's getting harder to say no because I don't want to stay at Dillons forever. But I cannot emphasize enough how much I do not want to be an accountant. But man...I need to find something...

Max & I went for a walk today. There was a little bit of running, but not much...I was just too tired. Same distance as yesterday.

Back, I Guess

Nevermind, I got the internet again. Woohoo!

Yesterday I started jogging with Max. It was so much fun! Except that he wanted to pee on everything. I also started work yesterday afternoon. Ughhhh. Hate. But...it's money. And I like to flirt with the old guys who come in the store...they're too cute!!

Max is fantastic. He keeps running up to me and jumping up on me, standing on his tippy-toes, as high as he can reach, and nuzzling me. Which means he usually nuzzles my belly button, unless I'm sitting or leaning down to him. It's wonderful. :)

Bye My Dears

I've been up since my dad called me at 7:30 yesterday morning.

I'm "graduating" in 2 hours.

I think something monumental happened last night.

This is my last post for a while.

♥

Goodbye

I'm so, so tired.

My dad called and woke me up at 7:30 this morning. Why, Dad, why?

I think I have a fever. I'm pretty sure I caught Death at the party last night. Yay mosquitos.

I. Just. Want. It. All. To.

END.

My World Today

Cannot wait to leave this place.

Happy to have discovered who my true friends are before leaving.

Unfortunate that I found out so late, but still...gives me at least a little time to really appreciate them.

Hate that I've compromised things I wanted to do out of concern for someone else.

Not the Way to Start Your Day...

Had a really bad night's sleep. Meaning that I didn't sleep at all. I look like shit. Found out some stuff I didn't really want to know. BETRAYAL IS AWESOME!! Final went about as badly as it could've, and I'm pretty sure I ruined my solid A. And did I mention that I look like shit today?

AAAAAAAAAHHHHH MY EARRRRRRRRRRS!!!!!!

I wish I knew the conversion from British pounds to US dollars. I just bought Amy Winehouse's first CD from AmazonUK because the US version doesn't come out until September 21st. And although that would've made it a wonderful birthday present, I'm so very bad at waiting. It's taking all of the self-control I can muster to not download the new Maroon 5 single. The album comes out on the 22nd, and I think it would be really stupid to spend 99 cents on the song now just to drop another 15 bucks when the CD comes out.

OMG SO MUCH MUSIC!!!!!!!!! I go through dry spells when everything I come across SUCKS. And then, of course, there's the flood. And there's so much music, I just can't keep up with it all. It kind of sucks too because I end up getting three or four (or in this case, FIVE!) albums within a month of each other, and some of them just don't get my full attention until several months (or maybe even years) later. Yesterday my mom bought the new Michael Bublé and Martina McBride albums, both of which I burned onto my computer and listened to last night while I packed. Both are really good, of course, but since I downloaded Back to Black I haven't listened to anything else. ANYWAY...........I shouldn't be complaining about this. I've got music!!! My computer's memory is probably groaning under the strain of it all. Haha!

Back to Black

Oh Amy Winehouse...I love you. Will you marry me? I'm pretty sure Back to Black is the best album I've listened to in a LONG time. And by a long time I mean like ever. Where have you been all my life?

Toad Suck

Tonight I ate gator-on-a-stick and roasted corn and fried pickles. Oh, and pizza and breadsticks. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm going to die of a massive coronary before sunrise. I also shot lemonade out of my nose...that hurt!! And I almost died. Fun stuff, let me tell ya.

P.S. I bought a little t-shirt for Max that says "Mommy's Little Angel"!!!

Sunshine & Roses & Little Baby Kittens

Yeah, I'm feeling loads better. I let go of being angry and sad. Maybe it's because I'm wearing yellow. Maybe it's because I don't want to leave on bad terms. Maybe it's because BLAH BLAH BLAH. Who cares why? I'm just happy, and I don't think I need a reason for it.

So I'm reading House of Sand and Fog, and I love it...........but................. Well, there is no but, I suppose. I like that it's got all of this background information about the characters. There's not a lot of backstory in the movie, not really. I mean things are alluded to, but nothing is explained the way it is in the book. Another thing I really love about the book is that it's written in first-person, alternating between Behrani and Kathy. So I feel like I'm really getting to know these characters I already love. But the problem with the book is one I hadn't actually anticipated: everything that's happening in the present is exactly how it happens in the movie. Word for word on the dialogue. And I don't know how to feel about it. It almost makes the book seem...a little flat. I suppose because, to me, the movie is perfection and the actors really make these characters come alive. So just reading the words...I don't know, I can't explain it. Maybe once the action really starts (which it should soon; I've just reached the part where Kathy jumps down onto the nails), it'll move faster.

Yay for new clothes and TWENTY-FOUR HOURS UNTIL I SEE MI MADRE!

I I I

I passed Money, Banking, & Credit.

I'm in a fight with my roommate.

I desperately want to be home.

I. Give. Up.

Isolation, Day 1

I just talked to my mom. I don't know that it really helped, maybe just made me want to be home even more. She suggested going into isolation (minus Laura, who might be the only person left who doesn't make me feel uncomfortable and wretchedly depressed) for the next 10 days. It might be worth a shot. I don't expect that I'll make it past Tuesday, when I have my last final and can no longer use studying as an excuse.

Anyway, if you see me and I turn around and walk away (does anybody even read this?), don't be offended. Unless I hang out with you all the time and now I'm suddenly not, because then maybe you should be offended because it might mean that I maybe sort of hate you right now.

Feeling Dead-ish

I didn't mention it in all my rage last night, but yesterday I finished reading Tokyo Cancelled. I think I'll probably read House of Sand and Fog next. It's not very long, and I think it'll go quickly because, if it's anything like the movie, it's a pretty intense story. So maybe that will compensate for all of the time I spent on Tokyo Cancelled.

I didn't sleep well last night. I barely slept at all, in fact. I'm not ridiculously angry anymore, but still sad that everything is ending this way. And, at the same time, not sad because it is in fact ending and I won't be mourning the loss. I think having no friends at home is still better than having fake friends here. Well anyway, that's how I feel right now.

I still haven't studied for this test. Right now, I almost feel like what would be the point? I either know it or I don't. Which means I don't. Cramming isn't going to do anything but make my head fuzzy. And yet, maybe at least going over my notes again will make me feel more confident in the material, which could actually have a positive effect on my performance. We'll see, I suppose. Mostly I just want to get it over with. I want to be done with this test, done with this class, done with this school. Well, that last bit won't happen until next week, but you know.

Reasons Why

I really hate Hendrix. I hate what the atmosphere does to people. And maybe it's just what naturally happens when you get a bunch of privileged potheads together and feed them beer and pizza. Like gremlins. They just turn into freaking monsters. I don't know. I just made that up. But really...I've had moments of really disliking this place and wanting to leave many times over the past three and a half years...but there's something about this semester that makes me want to leave and never look back.

I don't like the person I sometimes become in this environment.

I don't feel like I can trust anyone here. Anyone.

At first I thought this semester was going to suck because I was taking all business classes. Then I remembered that I love business professors. Then I thought this semester was going to suck because I didn't have any friends. Then I made a ton of new friends. Now I know why this semester sucks...because I'm still here. I AM NOT HAPPY HERE. Sure, I have moments of happiness when I'm doing something that's completely independent of everything going on around me...painting or reading or trying a new recipe. But most of the time, I feel suffocated. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I feel like nobody really cares whether I live or die. Like I actually had the thought tonight, while surrounded by "friends," that hey, maybe I could just kill myself and nobody would notice. And then I thought, yeah, that doesn't sound too bad...maybe I'll do it tomorrow. I HATE THESE THOUGHTS! I'm not depressed. I'm not psycho. It's this place.

And the thing is, I just don't care anymore. I'm so ready to give up and wash my hands of this whole mess. Chalk it up to a learning experience in which I learned nothing. Nothing good, anyway. I've learned that I can't trust or rely on anybody, even myself sometimes. I've learned that people will be sweet as pie to your face and talk tons of shit on you behind your back. I've learned that sex is meaningless, except that it absolutely isn't. I've learned that no matter how much you want them to, sometimes people will never open up to you. I've learned that you get punished for being responsible. I've learned that pretty people get away with murder...and they know it and they take full advantage of it. I've learned that there's no such thing as a "nice guy"...just "scumbags" and "scumbags who are even scummier because they pretend to be nice guys to trick you into bed" and "scumbags who are the absolute scummiest because they pretend to be nice guys to trick you into hooking them up with your prettier friends."

Ugh...I need to go to bed...I've gotta get up in 6 and a half hours to study for a test that I should've spent all day today studying for. Except that I slept all day. And then I partied all night. Because I'm a mixture of retarded and easily pressured.

50 Book Challenge & Sundry Other Things

I just have to say that Tokyo Cancelled is killing any progress I might have been making in this reading challenge. It's the most frustrating book I've ever read in my life because most of the stories make NO SENSE WHATSOEVER! I don't want to just give up, especially since I'm almost done with it now. But really...this is one of the most difficult books I've ever read. And pointless, too.

I ended up being able to go to the party last night. We played Circle of Death and I sang "Baby One More Time" with Adam and a puppy kissed me. I also had a sneezing fit that lasted for at least 15 minutes. Adam spent the night and kissed me on the temple when he left this morning. Man, I'm gonna miss that guy so much...I've grown really attached to him this semester. But he said he'd come visit me this summer so we can ride roller coasters and drop 650 feet into a salt mine.

I'm graduating in 11 days. Holyfreakingshit. Here are the things I'll miss the most:

• Laura
• Something Brewing
• Professor Kerr's stories about Rose

Wow...I thought the list would be longer than that...but I honestly can't think of anything else that I'll really, really miss when I leave.

ARGGGGGGGGGG

There are ducks in my swimming pool. Today I went to my last class ever for the rest of my life. I got an A on my FinMan test, which means I might be able to pull out a B in the class. I got 5 books in the mail today, including my favorite book of all time. Tonight I'm making crepes (wish me luck). I had plans tonight, and even though I'm responsible and got a sub for my shift, I work with people who are not so responsible, so I have to go to work anyway. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset that I'm missing out on one of my last opportunities to party with my friends AND a chance to celebrate the end of classes before I move into the library for the next week.

Anyway...mood=not happy. Although I do love puppies.

Lazy Day

"Cleaning" my room. Listening to a mix of summer-y music. Missing a bottle of nail polish. Dreaming about my Mustang. Drooling over summery dresses and oversized sunglasses.

Last night I had a dream that I was dating (and living with!) Jack Johnson. It was the best dream I've ever had. I'd spend all day in bed if I thought I could get back to that dream...

I'd really like to quit my job at Dillons, but I don't think that's so much a possibility right now. Actually, I'm not sure they're even planning to hire me back, and part of me would really like it if they didn't. But they probably will, and I'll go back, and I'll put all the effort into my job that I always have. It's not a bad job. I like most of the people I work with. I'd just like to find something different. Something that I really enjoy. Something that let's me wear my own clothes. Or at least something that pays better than 7 bucks an hour.

I miss Max. He's getting fat. This summer I'm gonna take him jogging with me and teach him how to swim.

This morning I bought running clothes and a sports bra and a new swimsuit. I'm so ready for summer. The heat and the sun and the smell of sunscreen & citronella. Sweat. Ceiling fans. Tomatoes. Sprinklers. Violent storms. Chlorine. Fireworks. Hot dogs. Iced tea.

Two weeks.

Post-Toga

First hangover ever. Recovering nicely. I puked a bit this morning (nothing more than bile...I didn't eat dinner last night, so there was nothing in my stomach but alcohol...oops). Had a headache all day, but finally took some aspirin and a nap and feel just fine (tummy's still a little wonky, but I haven't thrown up in 7 or 8 hours). Ariane told me that a good cure for a hangover is to eat super-greasy, fatty food...so I had a cheeseburger, fries, and a vanilla milkshake for lunch. I'm a little surprised that I've kept it down. It didn't really cure anything, though. Anyway...

Last night was weird. And not just for me...it's what I've been hearing from a lot of people. From what I can remember (which is apparently not everything), I spent a good chunk of the time walking in circles around the party, crying because I kept seeing Andrew but couldn't find Adam. I remember being really confused and not really being able to see. I think I grabbed a lot of people's boobs, and I've been told that I bit Kelly and told her it was sexual. Apparently I'm a little bit gay when I'm wasted.

Other than my weird night, yesterday was a pretty good day. I feel really good about my Financial Management test, and I got to hang out with Patrick for a couple hours in the afternoon. We went out to lunch and ran some errands, then he came back to Stella with me so I could show him my chicken painting. I like Patrick. I'm sad that I haven't gotten to hang out with him more and that we haven't become better friends. I'm sure we won't stay in touch after I leave. He prophesied that we'd see each other again when we're 45, but obviously he was joking about that. I'll miss him.

I really need to clean this place up, but I'm just not sure I've got the energy to do that.

Lots of Stuff

So tired. Did not sleep well at all last night. Don't really want to do anything but sleep today. Unfortunately, this is not so much an option since I have crazy amounts of work to do. Yuckkkkkkk.

It's almost over, it's almost over, it's almost over.

In other news, I'm so excited about my car. And I'm never going to shut up about it. I'm actually going to have a car. Like a real car. And it'll be mine. I'm finally excited about driving like most people are when they're 16. (For those who don't know, I've never been excited about driving. I hate driving. I've been putting it off for a long time. I haven't even been behind the wheel of a car in over 4 years. True story.)

Man I can't wait to be done with all of this... And okay, my senior prediction was not bad at all, and overall they weren't as mean this year as they've been in the past. In fact, they were mostly pretty lame. But I'm going to go off about them anyway. Why do we do this? Why is this such a grand tradition? Who wants to end college on such a sour note? I mean, people really get their feelings hurt over this stuff. To me, the whole senior predictions thing really sums up this campus...a huge, judgmental, mean-spirited rumor mill. I think individuals here are pretty nice, but you get people in a group and all they do is talk shit about everybody else. And I'm not gonna lie...I'm guilty of it too. And it makes me sick. It makes me absolutely sick to be in the kind of environment where that's not only acceptable, but it's the number one hobby. I'm sure it's like this at most small residential schools, and that's definitely something I wish I'd known before I started looking at colleges. I went to a small high school, but I never really thought my school was very clique-ish or gossipy, and I assumed that a small college would be the same way. Worst assumption ever!

It's almost over, it's almost over, it's almost over.

Lucky!

My dad said yes! I'm getting the Mustang! My mom said it'll be in the driveway when I get home!!

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Like this, but green:

Procraaaaaastination

I'm having the worst case of procrastination tonight. I haven't done my homework for Corporate Strategy or Cost Accounting. I probably won't do the Cost Accounting. Ughhhhhhhhhh. Just wanna listen to music and play with Myspace and watch TV and and and.

But there is some good news:
I miiiiiight be getting that Mustang. My dad is *thisclose* to saying yes.

Tomato Soup: My Arch Nemesis

So I just made some soup that smelled, looked, and even sort of tasted like vomit.

CAMPBELL'S SELECT GOLD LABEL ITALIAN TOMATO WITH BASIL AND GARLIC (okay first of all, that is the longest damn name for some soup that tastes like puke): YOU SUCK!

I can't believe I actually put that stuff in my mouth. I took like two bites and dumped it out. Grosssss. Then I ate a ton of bread and a tangelo and a granola bar. And you know what? ALL I CAN TASTE IS THAT ICKY SOUP!

Whitney, when will you learn that you don't like tomato soup? No matter which way ya slice it, you're never going to like it. I know you want to like it because the idea of it seems so appealing. Especially on a drizzly day like today. But you're never going to find a tomato soup that you like. Get over it and just drink some tomato juice.

Soufflé!!

So I totally just made my first soufflé ever. A lemon-ricotta soufflé with blueberries. Yeah, it's totally badass.

Terryfic

This morning I got up pretty early (for me on a Sunday, anyway) to take pictures of Terryn. They turned out gorgeous, of course. We had so much fun, we're doing another shoot on Tuesday.

So it turned out to be a relatively productive weekend after all. I did 2 loads of laundry last night, so now I've got more than enough underwear and shirts to last the rest of the semester. I haven't done any homework yet, but I've only got one assignment, and it shouldn't take too long. I didn't ever make it over to Wal-Mart, but hopefully I'll be able to go sometime this week...

Anyway, go check out the photos of Terryn on Flickr:

The Green Monster

So I might be getting a car when I go home. My parents were planning to get me one for graduation, but so far they hadn't really found anything (not that they'd exactly been looking, unless you count my dad trying to pawn off his Taurus onto me). But now my mom's found one, so it just depends on what my dad says...and hopefully he'll say yes. It's a green '98 Mustang. Cross your fingers for me!!

I've done nothing at all this weekend. Nothing productive or meaningful, anyway. I desperately need to clean my room and do some laundry and go to Wal-Mart and study and and and. It never ends, you know.

You should also maybe cross your fingers that I can get a daybed when I go home. It would save me mucho space in my bedroom.

Eight Down, Forty-two to Go...

I just finished reading The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. It started out really weird, and I wasn't sure I was going to like it. But it got better, and I must've liked it because it was over 400 pages long and took me less than a week to read. This is the problem I have with books sometimes...I'm not sure I like them, but for some reason I keep reading, and before I know it I've finished a 400-page beast within a week. That's what happened with Thunderstruck, which I'm still not sure I really liked. Some books are easier to get through than others, though...for example, I love One Hundred Years of Solitude (464 pages), but I've never been able to make it more than halfway through. Well, maybe I'll finally be able to do it this summer.

Ariane's in Baltimore this weekend, so I've got the room to myself. I spent most of today reading, napping, watching TV, and stuffing my face. It's been wonderful...

Aristotle, Stained Glass, & Heavenly Hummus

Today's been a pretty spectacular day, despite getting absolutely no sleep last night. This morning we had our presentation in Cost Accounting (over If Aristotle Ran General Motors), and I think it went pretty well. We didn't have any problem filling up the time (it had to be at least 30 minutes, and we went for 45), and overall everything just went really smoothly. Also, we got our tests back in Corporate Strategy (the one I spent 13 hours studying for), and I got a 97!! Woohoo!!

After class I went by the post office to pick up my books from Amazon, and I got a surprise...my latest order from LingGlass had arrived, too! When I got back to my room and opened up the envelope, I discovered that one of the pendants had cracked pretty badly in shipment. I was a little disappointed at first, but really...it's okay. It was the postage stamp one, so you can't really see the cracks (most of them are on the back anyway), and you can't feel them if you run your finger over the glass, so I'm not too torn up about it. It's still beautiful. As are the other two.

And of course I'm excited about my books...my Peace Corps books!! Plus a vegetarian cookbook that has a recipe for lemon walnut hummus, which just sounds like a spoonful of heaven on earth. And a couple other books, too, but I've mentioned all of this before.

The End.

Today I told him how I felt. I figured that, before I completely gave up on him, I should try being balls-to-the-walls honest and open, and if that didn't work...well, then I would give up. So I told him. His response, as I sort of expected, was lacking. So I'm giving up. Yes, I still love him with my whole heart, and that's not going to change. But from this point on, I stop hoping that someday he'll love me back. I give up any illusion that we'll stay in touch after graduation. I just let go. Of course, I'll always be there if he needs me...but he won't.

Reminders to Myself

Somewhere along the line, I forgot the rules I'd recently committed to live by.

• Take everything at face value. Don't get so caught up in wishing for more, because then you'll never be content. You've been spending all this wonderful time with someone you love with your whole heart, and every time you leave in tears? Whitney, this is not any kind of way to live your life.
• Breathe. I know you forget to do this sometimes, especially when you're crying. Which is something you've done entirely too much lately. It's not healthy. And neither is not breathing. Do you need to write it on your wrist again? Maybe you really do need a permanent reminder to breathe, as silly as that may seem.
• DO NOT GIVE IN TO SADNESS. The weather doesn't make you depressed. You're using that as a crutch. Only you have the power over your mood. Lately you've been choosing to be sad. I don't know if it's because you want people to be sorry for you, but they're obviously showing you that they really couldn't care less. And it's not because they don't care about you, so don't go feeling sorry for yourself about that. It's because you're too sad too often, and they're tired of dealing with it. You're alienating your friends. You may think you don't care because, after all, you're only going to know these people for another 4 weeks. But baby, 4 weeks is still 4 weeks, and we know how you get when you're all alone. Also, on a personal level, being sad is exhausting. Do you know how many tears you wasted this week? Nobody died. You weren't in horrible, excruciating pain. All of those tears were for nothing better than a child's temper tantrum. You were crying because you didn't get what you wanted. Baby, appreciate what you've got!
  

And something new:

• Now that you've got all of these great plans, GO FOR THEM. Don't give up before you even begin. Don't be like that. He showed you that, and even though you haven't been able to help him do the same, it doesn't mean you've failed. The only way you've failed is if you've learned this lesson and choose to ignore it. And if things don't work out the way you planned--if you don't get accepted into the Peace Corps--don't let that be the end of it. Don't shrug it off and say, "Oh well, wasn't meant to be, I'll just go back to working at Dillons." NO! DO NOT DO THIS! Look for something else. The Peace Corps isn't the only international volunteer organization. And there are tons of domestic programs too. JUST DO SOMETHING. Have an adventure. You need it. And you need to do something good for someone else because you're far too selfish. You've had such an easy life...it's time to rough it up a bit, kid.

Now go stop being depressed and take a shower and wear something pretty.

It's freezing in here, and my fingers are going numb...

Today I got my iPod shuffle. At first, I didn't think it was going to work with my computer because I was missing some component or something and couldn't install the latest version of iTunes. But thanks to Andrew, the problem has been fixed, and I'm now playing with my lovely little chunk of orange aluminum.

Tonight I'm getting DRUNK. I felt like such an alcoholic when Andrew & I went to the liquor store a few hours ago. I bought a half-gallon of rum, a half-gallon of vodka, a medium-sized bottle of Jager, and a bottle of wine. But only the wine was for myself. I probably wouldn't have even gotten anything, but they had the Red Bicyclette French rosé this time. Yay!!

Sun is in the sky, oh why oh why would I want to be anywhere else?

Today really was a wonderful day. I feel pretty good about my Cost Accounting exam, and this afternoon I had lunch (alone) at Something Brewing. After lunch I walked down to Toad Suck Square and went to That Bookstore.

The sun is shining, and the melancholia has left town.

3 Down, 4 To Go

I finished my paper a few minutes before 8 tonight. I seriously think that might be the earliest I've ever finished a paper. And it was probably the fastest, easiest paper I've ever written. Well, maybe.

So now I've just got 3 tests and a presentation left to go. Haha, I love how I'm saying that like it's nothing. I've had a couple of minor mental breakdowns already, but nothing huge. I cried a lot last night & today. It's the weather, more than anything.

On the plus side: I finally did some laundry. I think I have enough underwear to last me about a week, but as long as I've got enough to last until next Monday, I'm good. After that, I'm free as a bird until finals.

Today I bought an iPod shuffle. I've got this crazy idea that I'm actually going to hardcore get into shape this summer, so I'm spending tons of money I don't have to be well-equipped. Yesterday I ordered a pair of running shoes. Yeah, that's another one of my crazy ideas...I'm going to start jogging. WTF, right? I'm sure it won't actually happen.

Anyway, I'm subbing for Michelle tonight, so I guess I should go sit at the desk and pretend like I'm actually working. And I need to study for my Cost Accounting test.

Maybe I won't actually kill myself this week. But if I do...Laura, you can have the shuffle.

I Give Up

Yeah...I give up. On guys. On school. On everything... I'd give up on life, but I'm pretty sure that'd piss some people off.

I'm just really tired and I don't think I know how to do it anymore.

Kill Me Now, plz

Our presentation didn't go so well this morning. But I love how Anne totally got out of doing it with us by telling Dr. Oxner that she had a sore throat and needed to save her voice for the choir performance this weekend. I mean, I'm sure she's sick, but it just seems a little shady considering that she didn't have anything to say about the project anyway since she didn't bother to show up for any of our group meetings all semester.

I'm not in a very good mood today because I'm really tired. And it's only Monday. I have *no idea* how I'm going to make it through this entire week without having a nervous breakdown at some point.

Yuck.