So Tired...

I've been up for about 20 hours. I had completely & totally planned to go to bed by midnight tonight, but life had other plans. Although most people left by 9, the party didn't really wind down until after midnight, by which point I was a little bit drunk. I ended up walking around campus with Laura, Shawn, and Andrew for a while, then we came back here & tried to watch a movie. Around 2, everyone was gone. I could've gone to bed for a few hours...except that I still hadn't packed, and the common room was a huge mess. Well, it's after 3 now, and the common room is clean and all of my dishes are washed. My dad should be here in about 5 hours. I probably only have 1-2 hours of work to do, but then I'll need to spend an hour getting ready. I guess I'll pass the rest of the time watching TV or something.

On the one hand, staying up this late is really stupid. On the other hand, if I sleep the whole time, the car ride will go by reeeeeeally fast, and I won't have to really talk to my dad & stepmom. Let's just cross our fingers that they won't want to do any kind of shopping in the morning, because I figure I need to make it home by 4:30 if I want to go to the Humane Society to get a dog.

Oh, and the party was a huuuuuuuuge success. There wasn't really much left over...just little bits of stuff, which I ended up throwing away. The peanut brittle didn't turn out, but I also made white chocolate-covered pretzels sprinkled with red & green sugar, muddy buddies (a.k.a. puppy chow), and Chex mix. And then I bought chips & dip, candy canes, and soda at Wal-Mart. And we heated up the rest of the apple cider Ariane bought last weekend. Anyway, I think pretty much everyone had a good time. I know I did. :)

OMG STRESS...and lots of cursing

I'm so effing steamed right now! I've got a final tomorrow morning, and I didn't get to leave work until about 10 minutes after my shift ended. Now, I'm gonna wind up getting less than 6 hours of sleep before a motherfucking final. And one of my "friends" was one of the people who kept us there so goddamn late. I mean, come on people...the excuse that you "lost track of time" doesn't fly with me. When a student worker comes by and says that we're closing in 10 minutes, you should FUCKING PACK UP YOUR STUFF AND GET THE FUCK OUT! Don't keep studying! You know, WE don't get to leave until YOU leave. There are MANY other places you can study. Have a little consideration for your fellow students who ALSO have finals. You're not the only person on the goddamn planet who has a final tomorrow. You're not the only person who needs to pass her classes.

Also...STOP COMPLAINING about doing poorly on the 15 different assignments you have for a class. If you've had that many chances to do well and you're STILL failing, FUCK YOU. International Economics isn't just the hardest class I've ever taken...it's arguably the hardest class at this school. Several professors have looked at Dr. Scott's tests and said that they look like GRADUATE-LEVEL, OPEN-BOOK tests. Normally, kids in IE would have three grades. But does my class? No, because we all failed the first test. So instead of curving it like a DECENT HUMAN BEING, and probably ALL OF THE OTHER PROFESSORS AT HENDRIX, Dr. Scott just fucking throws it out. So then you're down to TWO MOTHERFUCKING GRADES. And I just happened to be lucky enough to get a fucking 47% on the next exam. I've been working on the corrections for the past THREE GODDAMN DAYS, and I'm still only TWO THIRDS through it. And even though I'm pretty much KILLING MYSELF to get it done, the highest I can end up with on that test is a 72 MOTHERFUCKING PERCENT! And let's not talk about our "take-home final"...I've barely even had a chance to look at it yet. In theory, I'm supposed to turn in both of these things tomorrow. And I would FUCKING LOVE to do that! Do you honestly think I want to take this shit home with me? GOD NO! I WANT TO BE DONE WITH IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW! But I just don't have the time.

Sorry about all of the anger...I just really needed to get it all out before going to bed, or else it was going to keep me up all night.

Maybe He'll Be Mine??

The Humane Society added new puppies to their website this afternoon. I hope this little guy is still there when I go on Saturday:


He's a 4-year old poodle mix named Diogy (if I can get him to go by a different name, I'm definitely changing it). I'm not so attached to this one as I was to the CKCS...I just don't have the emotional capacity for that...but I do love his little face, and the website said that he's good on a leash and under 20 lbs, which is pretty much perfect for me because I'm planning to take my pup for lots of walks. He also looks less prissy than the CKCS, so he'll be a better playmate for Xena and Harley. Anyway, crossing fingers again...

The Upside

Alright, so I'm not getting the CKCS puppy... Apparently, he was a lost dog, and his owners reclaimed him this morning. Granted, I don't know the situation, but I feel that dogs run away because they're not happy or because their owners are irresponsible. So on the one hand, I know I should be happy that these people have their dog back, but at the same time I can't help but feel like maybe they don't really deserve him. Anyway...my mom said that we'd go back to the Humane Society when I get home Saturday afternoon, and if I fall in love with another puppy I can get it. She also said she'd ask her friend Shonda about the pug she's getting and how much it costs. So...even though I didn't end up getting that puppy, I might still get a puppy.

I've been working on the corrections to that econ test I failed, and it's going soooooo slooooooooowly. I emailed Dr. Scott to see if I could just take the final home with me (it's a take-home), do it over the weekend, and mail it to him next week. Thank God he said yes... I'm about 2/3rds done with the rework of the last exam, plus I've still gotta study for my Spanish final (which is tomorrow morning), pack, clean my room, and make all that crap for the party tomorrow night. Aaaaaaagh.

Dear God,

I think you're a big ol' meanie. It wasn't just pure dumb luck that I happened to go to the Humane Society's website yesterday. It wasn't just a coincidence that they happened to have a picture of the most beautiful dog in the world, the exact dog I've been wanting for years. No, it was fate. It was absolutely meant to be. You wanted me to see that dog. You wanted me to fall in love with his big brown eyes and the rust-colored freckles on his snout. You wanted me to waste hours trying to come up with the perfect name. You wanted me to get really, really excited.

Just so you could take it all away...

Puppy Love

Omigod, okay, so, I just checked the Humane Society's website, and they updated it this morning, and he's still there!! I called my mom's cell phone and left her a message letting her know. So hopefully she'll go this afternoon...

I've decided to call him Hamlet. Or Gus.

edit:
I just talked to my mom, and I'm about 99.9% sure that she's gonna go to the Humane Society today. So as long as he doesn't get adopted in the next few hours...he's mine!! *still crossing fingers*

Update, yo!

Well, I talked to my mom again, and I made my case for little Lancelot...and at first she said we'd go to the Humane Society when I get home, and if he's still there, I can have him. But then I told her that since I won't get home until late Saturday afternoon, and since they're probably closed on Sunday (and then she told me they're also closed on Monday), we wouldn't be able to go until Tuesday. And by Tuesday, I'm sure he'll be gone, if he's not gone already (although as of yesterday, when their website was last updated, he was still there). So she said..."I'll think about it." Now, in normal parentspeak, that means no. But coming from my mom, it usually means yes. Sooooo...I'm trying not to get my hopes up, because even if she decides to get him and goes to the Humane Society tomorrow, he could already be gone...but it's at least looking better for me. I even bought him a little stuffed octopus at Target tonight (and if I don't get him, I'll just give the toy to Xena or Harley).

Anyway, I bought ornaments tonight. I got a Luke Skywalker & Yoda ornament for Michael, a Little Mermaid ornament for Ariane, a dark red glass heart wrapped with gold musical bars for Abby (for the Secret Santa thing), a set of 4 blue glittery snowflakes, and a mouth-blown glass "two peas in a pod" ornament for myself (well, and Michael...I figured we could start a tradition of getting a couples ornament every year).

I haven't been so productive today. I'm hoping to get a good bit of my economics thing done at work tonight. I'm a little stuck on one problem right now, but if I still have that problem tonight then I'll just skip it or start working on the take-home final.

I think I just died a little...

This little guy just stole my heart:


I hate this... Okay, so here's a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel purebred, available for adoption at the Kansas Humane Society. This is the kind of dog I've been wanting for the past like 5 years, ever since our cocker spaniel died. It's the kind of dog I knew I'd never have because I'd only be able to get it from a breeder, and it would cost $1000+. But here's one...at the Humane Society...which only costs like 120 bucks. But will my mom get it for me? No. Why? Because I won't be home until Saturday, and even when I do come home I'm going to be working, and she doesn't have the time to take care of a dog. This is such bullshit! Back when we had Brutus, she STILL let Tyler get Xena. So we had 2 freaking rottweilers at once. And she knew Tyler wouldn't take care of them. Who did? Who trained Xena? Oh, that's right, I did. I mean, if Tyler had seen this dog at the Humane Society, fallen in love with it, and called Mom up to ask if he could get it...she would crumble like a motherfuckin' cookie and say yes. But for me...not so much.

I mean, I knew it was a long shot to even ask...but still... Heart=broken.

Shit I Gots to Do

Schedule for the rest of the week:

Tuesday (today):

• Laundry
• Clean room
  
• Start rework of econ test
• Knit

Wednesday:

• Pack
• Shop
• Change schedule for next semester
  
• Finish rework of econ test

Thursday:

• Make pretzels, peanut brittle
• Start econ final
• Study for Spanish final

Friday:

• Make Chex mix, muddy buddies
• Finish & turn in econ final
  
• Take Spanish final
• Get everything ready for party

Yeah...that's a lot. And here's other stuff I have to do at some point during the next four days:

• Make a list of everything I can't forget to take home (stereo, ornaments, camera charger, etc.)
• Make a couple of playlists
• Update my iPod (and charge it)
• Blah blah blahhhhhhhhhh

Pretty Betty

I just spent the last 3 and a half hours baking. I made a batch of chocolate chip cookies and a double-batch of peanut butter cookies. I'm pretty much swimming in cookies. I'm taking them to my economics thing (in about 45 minutes), then I'll take whatever's left to the library during my shift tonight. So if you want cookies, you know where to be!

Today my mom got me this for Christmas. Yay!! I'm getting quite the little collection of Vera Bradley stuff.

P.S. I'm becoming completely addicted to Dr. Pepper.

P.P.S. Today I found out that I got an A in Freehand Drawing, so that means I'm getting 3 A's this semester!! Which means that even with a C in International Economics, I'll still have a 3.5 GPA!!!! Which means that my overall GPA is actually going up!!!!!!! Yeah, I'm a wee bit excited, yo.

♥

I talked to Michael, and everything's all good now.

I ♥ that boy.

Longest Rant Everrrrrrrrr!

I'm not having a very good weekend. I've been feeling so uncertain about my relationship with Michael, and having doubts about the future, but I haven't been able to talk to him about it because we've both been busy.

Friday night I went to a "party" at somebody's apartment...but, just like everytime I forget why I hate going over there, it was less a party and more just random people I didn't know sitting around playing video games. And this time they were smoking weed. Obviously, I didn't stay very long.

I didn't get out of bed until about 1 o'clock yesterday afternoon. I wasn't sleeping that whole time, but I did probably get about 10 hours of sleep. I guess I needed it, because I slept for a long time today too. I think I might be coming down with a cold. I keep sneezing and coughing up gross stuff. Yeah, I know you really wanted to know that...

Yesterday I was so excited when Laura told me that Patrick was gonna call her when he got off work at 10:30. Like, ridiculously excited. I really like Patrick, but I haven't seen him since the night of the Sadie Hawkins dance, way back in October. Anyway, Laura said something about going to the poetry slam, and I didn't really want to go because 1) I'm not so much into poetry, and 2) it didn't start until 10, and Patrick was supposed to call at 10:30. But Laura said we could just stay for a little bit and then go hang out with Patrick. I really didn't know how long this poetry slam was supposed to last...I was thinking maybe an hour or so. Yeah effing right. At 10:40, the actual competition hadn't even started yet, but I guess Laura talked to Patrick during the little break and he decided to come to the poetry slam. Alright, so he shows up a little bit later, and sits next to Laura, who wasn't sitting all that close to me. Long story short, a little bit before midnight, Patrick decided to leave. I left a few minutes later. Anyway, I was a bit ticked off about the whole thing because she knew how much I wanted to hang out with him, and she said we would only stay at the poetry slam for a little while, and...whatever. I'm over it.

I also had a bit of a fight with my mom last night. I don't even remember how it got started. We were talking about Christmas traditions, and I said something about how we don't have traditions in our family anymore, not since my parents got divorced. But I don't blame her for that, and I told her that. I mean, I understand that she works a lot more now and that her work is a lot more physically demanding. But apparently she thinks I don't realize this, so she started pointing it all out. Then she started talking about how she thinks of traditions as something you keep with your family, and she doesn't really feel like we have a family. Or something like that. Honestly, at this point, I was kind of tuning her out. I don't think she understands how upset I am about the fact that I really don't have a family. I have family members, but we can't ever seem to get it together. And I'm scared...I'm scared that when I have my own family, it's going to be the same way because I don't know how a family is supposed to be. My mom's family is so fucked up...somebody's always out. And it's not even always the same person! It changes all the time. And my dad's family...they don't even talk to each other. I mean, they get along, but they never talk because person A has this attitude that person B is supposed to call them, but person B feels like person A should call them first. So nobody ever calls anybody unless someone is literally dying. They see each other at graduations, weddings, and funerals. It's not a family.

So what happens when you take a family that's constantly embroiled in civil war and mix it with a family full of stubborn passive-aggressives? Well, other than a divorce, you get what I've got... I'm the only one who talks to my dad on a regular basis. I try to make excuses for my older siblings, that they've got their own families now and they're busy, but I mean really...shouldn't any member of your family always be a top priority? But I guess I shouldn't complain about that too much...at least Mike is talking to Dad again. They went YEARS without speaking to each other, and nobody even really knew why. They were both just too stubborn to pick up the phone and apologize. My dad missed Mike's wedding and the births of two daughters. And even with them talking again, I don't think my dad really cared with Mike's third daughter was born. And then there's Tracey...I cut her even more slack because she lives a few hours away. But her mom lives in Wichita, and she comes down ALL THE TIME to see her. Why can't she ever pop in to say hi to Dad? And Tyler doesn't talk to Dad much anymore...right now he's pissed because Dad didn't call him back one time, so he didn't call Dad to wish him a happy birthday last week. I can just see that relationship deteriorating into the one Dad had with Mike for all those years...

I'm not saying that Dad is blameless in all of this. The attitude he has about calling his siblings is the same one he has about calling his kids. He hasn't been the best dad in the world, either. He's difficult to talk to. He's not very supportive, especially if you want to do something he disagrees with. I make excuses for him, too...he didn't really have a dad growing up, so maybe he just doesn't know how to be one. And he's not a warm-fuzzy person.

My mom is wonderful. I get along great with her. She's always there for me, and I can talk to her about anything. But one person does not an entire family make. Not for me, anyway. Not when I know I've got other family.

Okay...enough whining...this crummy mood is ruining "Nigella Feasts" for me. And the whole episode is devoted to desserts. She's making cupcakes now!!

Arg.

So the fudge turned out really tasty, but not as solid as I would've liked. I also made chocolate chip cookies last night...I didn't bake the first batch quite long enough, so they turned out really doughy, but the rest turned out perfectly.

This isn't something I would normally write about in here, because I don't think it's really anybody's business, but I just need to get it out. Relationships can be so frustrating. I love Michael, but the long-distance thing makes having any kind of relationship really hard. And lately he's been acting kind of distant, but I can't tell if it's because something's wrong or he's just busy. I've asked him if something's wrong, and he said no, but it's hard to know if he's telling the truth or just saying that, because he's not here. And I've been getting some attention from a few different guys this week, and I have to say it's pretty tempting at times... Usually the emotional connection I have with Michael is enough for me, but right now I feel like I'm getting nothing...so why not at least get some temporary physical lovin'? Well, other than the fact that I'm not too fond of the idea of becoming a whore...I don't want to throw away everything I've got with Michael. I would never cheat on him...I really do love him. I'm just really frustrated with the situation right now.

I need to do some laundry today.

Christmas Fantasy Fudge, a la Jackson Pollock

I made fudge for the first time ever. Yessssssss.