Ugh...Make Adulthood Stop...

This has been a long week. Sunday was...busy. Very busy. I barely remember Monday...it seems like it was so long ago. I didn't do much that day, other than take Max for two mile-long walks. And I watched like half of MI:3 before passing out for the night. Yesterday I worked 8 hours at a snail's pace. I finished putting up tags like an hour before my lunch break and spent the rest of the day test scanning in HBA. Ughhhhhhh. No seriously...I thought the day would never end. I worked 8 hours again today, and it wasn't bad. And by that I mean it wasn't slow. Well, I was moving pretty slowly, except for the last hour or two of my shift, because I was freezing. I need to start bringing a jacket or sweater or something because they've got me doing Dairy all the time, and man it's freezing in there. But yeah, the store was just...packed today. And not with customers. Stockers, vendors, people resetting shelves. Blah blah blah. Soooo many people, everybody getting in each other's way. It was hard to do my job.

Anyway, now my mom's pissed at me because my room is still a mess and I still haven't unpacked or done all of my laundry. Well...I feel bad...but not really. I mean seriously...when am I supposed to do this stuff? I was barely home on Sunday. I guess I should've done it Monday. I know I should've done it Monday. Or last Friday or Saturday. But I didn't. And this week...this week is no good. But I guess I have to do it all tomorrow anyway. So much for having a day off to relax.

Tonight I did my exit interview crap for my student loans. I have to start paying them back in mid-November, and the payment's gonna be $190.80 per month. I owe a LOT more than I thought I did, which sucks. So now I'm officially POOR. I was really thinking about quitting Dillons if I got the job at the post office, but now it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to.

Yesterday Was...Sketchy! And Fun.

Yesterday was an interesting day, particularly at work, where it was "Hey Let's Be SAMFs and Hit On Whitney" Day. First some guy who was with his mom tried to get my number, and when I wouldn't give it to him he wrote down my name and the store number, and then he stole my pen. He wouldn't leave until his mom practically dragged him out of the store. THEN there was some old man, in his 70s, with his freaking grandson...I told him good morning, and he (the old man) said, "Oooh, your voice is so soft...I wish I'd woken up to you this morning!" Then he looked up at me and said, "I looked up and was expecting to see a little girl...but you're a sexy mama!!" I'd been helping him unload his cart, but at that point I pretty much ran back around to my register, and I rang up his stuff, turning crimson the whole time. After he paid, he said, "I'm gonna come back and see you again sometime!" SO SKETCH!

After work, I had lunch at The Good Egg with my mom, Debbie, and Sara. Swiss frittata...ham, Swiss cheese, mushrooms, black olives, tomatoes, sour cream...yummy! And a banana whip smoothie. I ♥ breakfast food. I miss Something Brewing. Anyway, we had a ton of fun, sitting around talking about men, sex, marriage, and raising kids. I was pretty much lost. I haven't had much, if any, experience with those subjects. But it was interesting.

After lunch, we went to see Grandma & Grandpa. They're so cute...

Then I came home and pretty much passed out. Which meant I got up before 7 today. Ugh. But I guess it's good, really, because I've gotta be at work at 5 tomorrow, Wednesday, and Friday. But I'm off today, Thursday, and Saturday!! Saturday is the test for the job at the post office. I hope I get that job.

Wheeee!!

So I just got back from driving my Mustang for the first time. My first time behind the wheel of a car in 4 and a half years. And guess what? I'M A GOOD DRIVER!!!! Well, not great, not really even good...but leaps and bounds better than I was in high school.

What a relief.

Bee Happy! Bzzzz.

A week from today, I'm taking the test for the job at the post office. Yay? No, really, I do hope I get this job, even if it means I could be working almost 60 hours a week between the post office and Dillons. Even if it means that I will have become my mother and my father.

I need to stop this at some point. I can't just become them. Not that I don't love them, not that I don't think they're both wonderful people. I do. But I need to be my own person, and I need to...I don't know...let it be okay if they're not happy with what I'm doing. If I move away, or if I never do anything with my degree (of which nobody hesitates to remind me the cost)...as long as I'm happy, ya know? I think my mom understands that, at least sort of. My dad...no, not really. That makes me sad. That people care so much about money and other stupid stuff more than they care about my happiness.

Ugh...I'm feeling so lazy today.

Fridays with Max

People with big dogs should not have small fences. I took Max for a walk/jog this morning, and on our way home from the park I thought we were gonna be mauled by several huge barking beasts. I shit you not, I saw one RUN UP A WALL trying to get over its fence! And it almost did, too. Thank God Max is practically oblivious to other dogs...if he'd started barking back, I'm afraid it would've given those dogs that extra little bit of motivation they needed to jump the hurdles. I know it's because Bullwinkle got attacked on a walk when I was 9, but I'm so paranoid about big stray dogs. Little stray dogs don't scare me much, though. One followed us about halfway through the park today. A little white poodle. She just kept following us, and until she & Max were face-to-face, he absolutely ignored her. I'm glad she eventually got distracted enough to stop following us, though...I was a little worried she'd follow us all the way home, and I wouldn't have had the heart to shut her out.

This morning I finished reading New Moon, finally. It was a good book, not quite as good as Twilight, but still really good. It just took me so long to finish it because I haven't really had much time to read lately...not to mention my room's been such a mess, I've usually got junk all over my bed, so I don't always have a place to read.

Extreme Makeover: Bedroom Edition

So the room is seriously starting to come together. Here's all I've got left to do:

• Put books on the shelves (I'm having to be more choosey than I'd like...I just have too, too many books...and this bookcase isn't as big as I thought, unless I stack my books double-deep...which makes me a little nervous).
• Set up my little bookcase (the one I had in my dorm room) and put all my DVDs on it (which means I also need to find my DVDs and put them all back in their cases...ughhh).
• Put all of my clothes away (which means unpacking all of my clothes, which I still haven't done).
• Unpack everything else I want to put in my room, then put everything else out in the garage.
• Hang shit on the walls (today I took almost everything down).
• Vacuum and put my rug down.
• Clean out my closet (huuuuuuuge project...may not be done until later this summer).

Man...writing all of that out makes me wonder what the hell I've been doing this whole time. But I look around my room, and all of this is really just little stuff compared to what I've done so far. It feels good to be almost done. I'm planning to do several of these things tonight, especially since I don't really have to go to bed early or anything. I'd love to pop in a movie while I work, but my crummy DVD player has decided that playing 2 and half episodes of Kyle XY was more than enough work for one day, and now it's being stupid on me again. Yay for cheap electronics! :-\

Close to Done...

My room is really starting to come together. All of the furniture is assembled and in its place. I just need to put everything away...which is no small task, trust me. But right now I'm taking an extended break and watching a few episodes of Kyle XY.

It's amazing what a little furniture and decluttering can do for a room. It actually looks like a 20-something woman lives here...not a feral pig.

Once everything is done and put away (I'm estimating sometime Saturday), I'll take pictures and post them. Yay for pictures!

Ouch.

Moving furniture suuuuuuucks. My back hurts like crazy. And it's not like I'm done or anything, of course. I can't even see my bed anymore because there's so much stuff on top of it. Jeez.

Well, at least I'm being productive. Right?

Haha...Oh Maroon 5, I'd forgotten how much I love you!!

So I'm sitting here listening to the new Maroon 5 CD, and "Nothing Lasts Forever" comes on...and I think to myself, "Wow...I really like this song." Then I think, "Hey...I know this song! Why do I know this song?" Then I realize...Oh, this is Adam Levine's part from Kanye West's "Heard 'Em Say" (a.k.a. my favorite KW song)!! So, yes, favorite song on the CD so far. Although "Won't Go Home Without You" (the 2nd song the band performed on SNL last weekend) is a very close second right now. I can't really put my finger on why, but parts of it remind me of old Stevie Wonder songs.

Anyway, I'm only about half way through it, but so far this is a really good CD. Ten times better than their first, definitely.

edit:
Okay, new favorite: "Better That We Break." So sad, so beautiful... Today I realized that I really like sad breakup songs. I find them more romantic than a lot of love songs. What the hell?

Wednesday, Wednesday

Ahhh, it's nice to get off at 10:30 on a Wednesday morning and know that I don't have to go back to work until 4 o'clock Friday afternoon, and even then it's just for 3 and a half hours, and I've got Saturday off. This has been a really easy week at work, even though I'm working longer shifts. I'd rather work longer shifts and have more days off, though.

Next week I'm going to get a shit ton of hours, I think. This morning Kris told me she's got me down for scanning 3 days next week...that's 24 hours right there! And I'm sure I'll be checking at least a couple days.

Today has been really unproductive. I need to finish cleaning out my room so I can start putting it back together. I assembled my new dresser yesterday, and it's bigger than I thought, so I've had to change my plan for the room layout a bit, but I actually like the new plan better. It frees up more space, and I'm not going to have a weird piece of furniture that doesn't match everything else. Good stuff. Anyway, unproductive...after work, I came home and chilled for a bit, then I ended up passing out in my bed for 3 or 4 hours. Around 4, I went to Target with my mom. Fun stuff, yo...among other things, I got the new Maroon 5 CD, the first season of Kyle XY, Pan's Labyrinth, and a new book. Yay for entertainment that I have no time to enjoy...!

P.S. Tyler may be driving the Mustang for a while. Pray for my car, please.

Yay for craptacular cell phone pictures...!

So this is what my hair looks like when it's curly:


Man, I need to go to bed...I have to get up in less than 6 hours. YUCK!!!!

I ♥ Martina McBride. Since when? I'm not sure. But suddenly I've got more of her music than Lily Allen's. What the heck?

*death*

I was up until midnight putting together my new bookcase. It took four hours. Ridiculous. This morning I got up a little after 7 and put my bed together. Putting the bed together didn't take too long (maybe 20 or 30 minutes), but I had to clear a place for it, which meant moving out furniture and throwing a ton of shit away.

Anyway, bookcase and bed are done. Now I've got the dresser and the nightstand left for Monday night/Tuesday. Plus packing, unpacking, repacking, arranging, rearranging, blah blah blah. I think I should have it all done by Saturday night. I'm off Tuesday, only working Wednesday morning (leaving me the rest of the day to work on the room), and off on Friday & Saturday. And Thursday...I don't know what I'm going to do about Thursday...I'm scheduled to work 12pm-5pm. I have no idea how I'm going to get there.

Man, it's nice to just sit down for a little while...

Dirty :(

We're cleaning out the garage today, but all I want to do is empty out my room so I can set up my new bed, dresser, bookcase, and nightstand. I've finally finished going through all of my stuff in the garage...pitching stuff I don't want, packing up stuff I do. It looks like it's about to start raining.

So yeah...all new furniture for my room, with the exception of the TV stand. But once I save up some money, I'll probably go back & buy the one that matches my furniture. I also got some new sheets and stuff. I'm actually kind of hesitant to assemble the new furniture & set everything up in my room before I paint, just because it's going to be a hassle to move it all out again when I do finally get around to painting. Oh well.

Ugh...so dirty...so tired...I wish I had tomorrow off too. Or I wish I were either working early in the morning or late at night, because as it is I'm working 2pm-7pm...right smack dab in the middle of the day!

The Sun Does Indeed Smile On Me

I went bed-shopping today. First I went to Furniture Row...BIG MISTAKE!! They didn't have anything. Nothing that wasn't in the kids section. Nothing that didn't cost an arm and a leg. Then I went to Slumberland, and found exactly what I was looking for, and they just happened to have one on clearance, and it just happened to only cost me $115 (including tax!!).
It's just the headboard, and it's for a twin-size bed. SO HAPPY!! Except for the guy who was checking me out in the warehouse loading area thing...that was a little sketch. Reminded me of the customer who was hitting on me yesterday. They were both about 5 and a half feet tall. Hey, could someone taller than me please hit on me now? K thx.

I also bought a candle and other smelly-good things at Bath & Body Works. And tomorrow I'm getting some more furniture for my room. Yay for redecorating!!

Great Day!!

Today's been a pretty decent day, other than the headache, back ache, and constant sleepiness. I went shopping. I got a grown-up purse, but it's not like old lady-ish. It's blue leather, and the liner is leopard-print (not cheesy, though). It was 30% off (still pretty expensive, though)! I also got a new battery for my watch (which died like 6 months ago) and some new clothes (a couple pairs of bermuda shorts, 3 pairs of pjs, and a bunch of new undies).

Work wasn't too bad today. People were nice (customers & coworkers), and the time went by pretty fast. I didn't make any mistakes and everything was pretty much smooth sailing.

Tomorrow I get to *hopefully* pick out a new bed. And go out to lunch. And maybe go see a movie. And work a closing shift (as much as I used to complain about them, I miss the relaxed atmosphere of summer nights at the store).

Sunglasses

Today I got sunglasses! Well, picked them out & ordered them. They'll be here sometime next week!!

The winning frames:
I also bought a new purse and some clothes today. Yay for new things I can't afford!!

Need To Find Something Else...

I don't think it's really sunk in that I'm home for good. I keep thinking, "Oh, I've gotta remember to get this done!" Completely forgetting that I've got, well, the rest of forever to do it.

I hate my job. I don't like saying that because I really am grateful to have it, even though I'm grossly overqualified for it. And I do need the money. But all of the reasons why I used to actually like my job--the people I worked with--are gone. Well, I'm sure they're not all gone. Tina's still there, and I saw Jeff today (although he wasn't working), and I'm pretty sure Kamron's still there, and Evan is probably coming back when he finishes up the semester. As much as getting up at 3AM sucks, I think I'd like to switch to doing scanning all the time. Three hours checking is stressful and goes by sooooo sloooow. Eight hours scanning is hard work, and my muscles ache like crazy the next day, but I enjoy the work, and the day goes by fast. Plus I ♥ the scanning crew.

Anyway, everyone and their mom keeps trying to set me up with an accounting job. It's getting harder to say no because I don't want to stay at Dillons forever. But I cannot emphasize enough how much I do not want to be an accountant. But man...I need to find something...

Max & I went for a walk today. There was a little bit of running, but not much...I was just too tired. Same distance as yesterday.

Back, I Guess

Nevermind, I got the internet again. Woohoo!

Yesterday I started jogging with Max. It was so much fun! Except that he wanted to pee on everything. I also started work yesterday afternoon. Ughhhh. Hate. But...it's money. And I like to flirt with the old guys who come in the store...they're too cute!!

Max is fantastic. He keeps running up to me and jumping up on me, standing on his tippy-toes, as high as he can reach, and nuzzling me. Which means he usually nuzzles my belly button, unless I'm sitting or leaning down to him. It's wonderful. :)

Bye My Dears

I've been up since my dad called me at 7:30 yesterday morning.

I'm "graduating" in 2 hours.

I think something monumental happened last night.

This is my last post for a while.

♥

Goodbye

I'm so, so tired.

My dad called and woke me up at 7:30 this morning. Why, Dad, why?

I think I have a fever. I'm pretty sure I caught Death at the party last night. Yay mosquitos.

I. Just. Want. It. All. To.

END.

My World Today

Cannot wait to leave this place.

Happy to have discovered who my true friends are before leaving.

Unfortunate that I found out so late, but still...gives me at least a little time to really appreciate them.

Hate that I've compromised things I wanted to do out of concern for someone else.

Not the Way to Start Your Day...

Had a really bad night's sleep. Meaning that I didn't sleep at all. I look like shit. Found out some stuff I didn't really want to know. BETRAYAL IS AWESOME!! Final went about as badly as it could've, and I'm pretty sure I ruined my solid A. And did I mention that I look like shit today?

AAAAAAAAAHHHHH MY EARRRRRRRRRRS!!!!!!

I wish I knew the conversion from British pounds to US dollars. I just bought Amy Winehouse's first CD from AmazonUK because the US version doesn't come out until September 21st. And although that would've made it a wonderful birthday present, I'm so very bad at waiting. It's taking all of the self-control I can muster to not download the new Maroon 5 single. The album comes out on the 22nd, and I think it would be really stupid to spend 99 cents on the song now just to drop another 15 bucks when the CD comes out.

OMG SO MUCH MUSIC!!!!!!!!! I go through dry spells when everything I come across SUCKS. And then, of course, there's the flood. And there's so much music, I just can't keep up with it all. It kind of sucks too because I end up getting three or four (or in this case, FIVE!) albums within a month of each other, and some of them just don't get my full attention until several months (or maybe even years) later. Yesterday my mom bought the new Michael Bublé and Martina McBride albums, both of which I burned onto my computer and listened to last night while I packed. Both are really good, of course, but since I downloaded Back to Black I haven't listened to anything else. ANYWAY...........I shouldn't be complaining about this. I've got music!!! My computer's memory is probably groaning under the strain of it all. Haha!

Back to Black

Oh Amy Winehouse...I love you. Will you marry me? I'm pretty sure Back to Black is the best album I've listened to in a LONG time. And by a long time I mean like ever. Where have you been all my life?

Toad Suck

Tonight I ate gator-on-a-stick and roasted corn and fried pickles. Oh, and pizza and breadsticks. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm going to die of a massive coronary before sunrise. I also shot lemonade out of my nose...that hurt!! And I almost died. Fun stuff, let me tell ya.

P.S. I bought a little t-shirt for Max that says "Mommy's Little Angel"!!!

Sunshine & Roses & Little Baby Kittens

Yeah, I'm feeling loads better. I let go of being angry and sad. Maybe it's because I'm wearing yellow. Maybe it's because I don't want to leave on bad terms. Maybe it's because BLAH BLAH BLAH. Who cares why? I'm just happy, and I don't think I need a reason for it.

So I'm reading House of Sand and Fog, and I love it...........but................. Well, there is no but, I suppose. I like that it's got all of this background information about the characters. There's not a lot of backstory in the movie, not really. I mean things are alluded to, but nothing is explained the way it is in the book. Another thing I really love about the book is that it's written in first-person, alternating between Behrani and Kathy. So I feel like I'm really getting to know these characters I already love. But the problem with the book is one I hadn't actually anticipated: everything that's happening in the present is exactly how it happens in the movie. Word for word on the dialogue. And I don't know how to feel about it. It almost makes the book seem...a little flat. I suppose because, to me, the movie is perfection and the actors really make these characters come alive. So just reading the words...I don't know, I can't explain it. Maybe once the action really starts (which it should soon; I've just reached the part where Kathy jumps down onto the nails), it'll move faster.

Yay for new clothes and TWENTY-FOUR HOURS UNTIL I SEE MI MADRE!

I I I

I passed Money, Banking, & Credit.

I'm in a fight with my roommate.

I desperately want to be home.

I. Give. Up.

Isolation, Day 1

I just talked to my mom. I don't know that it really helped, maybe just made me want to be home even more. She suggested going into isolation (minus Laura, who might be the only person left who doesn't make me feel uncomfortable and wretchedly depressed) for the next 10 days. It might be worth a shot. I don't expect that I'll make it past Tuesday, when I have my last final and can no longer use studying as an excuse.

Anyway, if you see me and I turn around and walk away (does anybody even read this?), don't be offended. Unless I hang out with you all the time and now I'm suddenly not, because then maybe you should be offended because it might mean that I maybe sort of hate you right now.

Feeling Dead-ish

I didn't mention it in all my rage last night, but yesterday I finished reading Tokyo Cancelled. I think I'll probably read House of Sand and Fog next. It's not very long, and I think it'll go quickly because, if it's anything like the movie, it's a pretty intense story. So maybe that will compensate for all of the time I spent on Tokyo Cancelled.

I didn't sleep well last night. I barely slept at all, in fact. I'm not ridiculously angry anymore, but still sad that everything is ending this way. And, at the same time, not sad because it is in fact ending and I won't be mourning the loss. I think having no friends at home is still better than having fake friends here. Well anyway, that's how I feel right now.

I still haven't studied for this test. Right now, I almost feel like what would be the point? I either know it or I don't. Which means I don't. Cramming isn't going to do anything but make my head fuzzy. And yet, maybe at least going over my notes again will make me feel more confident in the material, which could actually have a positive effect on my performance. We'll see, I suppose. Mostly I just want to get it over with. I want to be done with this test, done with this class, done with this school. Well, that last bit won't happen until next week, but you know.

Reasons Why

I really hate Hendrix. I hate what the atmosphere does to people. And maybe it's just what naturally happens when you get a bunch of privileged potheads together and feed them beer and pizza. Like gremlins. They just turn into freaking monsters. I don't know. I just made that up. But really...I've had moments of really disliking this place and wanting to leave many times over the past three and a half years...but there's something about this semester that makes me want to leave and never look back.

I don't like the person I sometimes become in this environment.

I don't feel like I can trust anyone here. Anyone.

At first I thought this semester was going to suck because I was taking all business classes. Then I remembered that I love business professors. Then I thought this semester was going to suck because I didn't have any friends. Then I made a ton of new friends. Now I know why this semester sucks...because I'm still here. I AM NOT HAPPY HERE. Sure, I have moments of happiness when I'm doing something that's completely independent of everything going on around me...painting or reading or trying a new recipe. But most of the time, I feel suffocated. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I feel like nobody really cares whether I live or die. Like I actually had the thought tonight, while surrounded by "friends," that hey, maybe I could just kill myself and nobody would notice. And then I thought, yeah, that doesn't sound too bad...maybe I'll do it tomorrow. I HATE THESE THOUGHTS! I'm not depressed. I'm not psycho. It's this place.

And the thing is, I just don't care anymore. I'm so ready to give up and wash my hands of this whole mess. Chalk it up to a learning experience in which I learned nothing. Nothing good, anyway. I've learned that I can't trust or rely on anybody, even myself sometimes. I've learned that people will be sweet as pie to your face and talk tons of shit on you behind your back. I've learned that sex is meaningless, except that it absolutely isn't. I've learned that no matter how much you want them to, sometimes people will never open up to you. I've learned that you get punished for being responsible. I've learned that pretty people get away with murder...and they know it and they take full advantage of it. I've learned that there's no such thing as a "nice guy"...just "scumbags" and "scumbags who are even scummier because they pretend to be nice guys to trick you into bed" and "scumbags who are the absolute scummiest because they pretend to be nice guys to trick you into hooking them up with your prettier friends."

Ugh...I need to go to bed...I've gotta get up in 6 and a half hours to study for a test that I should've spent all day today studying for. Except that I slept all day. And then I partied all night. Because I'm a mixture of retarded and easily pressured.

50 Book Challenge & Sundry Other Things

I just have to say that Tokyo Cancelled is killing any progress I might have been making in this reading challenge. It's the most frustrating book I've ever read in my life because most of the stories make NO SENSE WHATSOEVER! I don't want to just give up, especially since I'm almost done with it now. But really...this is one of the most difficult books I've ever read. And pointless, too.

I ended up being able to go to the party last night. We played Circle of Death and I sang "Baby One More Time" with Adam and a puppy kissed me. I also had a sneezing fit that lasted for at least 15 minutes. Adam spent the night and kissed me on the temple when he left this morning. Man, I'm gonna miss that guy so much...I've grown really attached to him this semester. But he said he'd come visit me this summer so we can ride roller coasters and drop 650 feet into a salt mine.

I'm graduating in 11 days. Holyfreakingshit. Here are the things I'll miss the most:

• Laura
• Something Brewing
• Professor Kerr's stories about Rose

Wow...I thought the list would be longer than that...but I honestly can't think of anything else that I'll really, really miss when I leave.