I'm not having a very good weekend. I've been feeling so uncertain about my relationship with Michael, and having doubts about the future, but I haven't been able to talk to him about it because we've both been busy.
Friday night I went to a "party" at somebody's apartment...but, just like everytime I forget why I hate going over there, it was less a party and more just random people I didn't know sitting around playing video games. And this time they were smoking weed. Obviously, I didn't stay very long.
I didn't get out of bed until about 1 o'clock yesterday afternoon. I wasn't sleeping that whole time, but I did probably get about 10 hours of sleep. I guess I needed it, because I slept for a long time today too. I think I might be coming down with a cold. I keep sneezing and coughing up gross stuff. Yeah, I know you really wanted to know that...
Yesterday I was so excited when Laura told me that Patrick was gonna call her when he got off work at 10:30. Like, ridiculously excited. I really like Patrick, but I haven't seen him since the night of the Sadie Hawkins dance, way back in October. Anyway, Laura said something about going to the poetry slam, and I didn't really want to go because 1) I'm not so much into poetry, and 2) it didn't start until 10, and Patrick was supposed to call at 10:30. But Laura said we could just stay for a little bit and then go hang out with Patrick. I really didn't know how long this poetry slam was supposed to last...I was thinking maybe an hour or so. Yeah effing right. At 10:40, the actual competition hadn't even started yet, but I guess Laura talked to Patrick during the little break and he decided to come to the poetry slam. Alright, so he shows up a little bit later, and sits next to Laura, who wasn't sitting all that close to me. Long story short, a little bit before midnight, Patrick decided to leave. I left a few minutes later. Anyway, I was a bit ticked off about the whole thing because she knew how much I wanted to hang out with him, and she said we would only stay at the poetry slam for a little while, and...whatever. I'm over it.
I also had a bit of a fight with my mom last night. I don't even remember how it got started. We were talking about Christmas traditions, and I said something about how we don't have traditions in our family anymore, not since my parents got divorced. But I don't blame her for that, and I told her that. I mean, I understand that she works a lot more now and that her work is a lot more physically demanding. But apparently she thinks I don't realize this, so she started pointing it all out. Then she started talking about how she thinks of traditions as something you keep with your family, and she doesn't really feel like we have a family. Or something like that. Honestly, at this point, I was kind of tuning her out. I don't think she understands how upset I am about the fact that I really don't have a family. I have family members, but we can't ever seem to get it together. And I'm scared...I'm scared that when I have my own family, it's going to be the same way because I don't know how a family is supposed to be. My mom's family is so fucked up...somebody's always out. And it's not even always the same person! It changes all the time. And my dad's family...they don't even talk to each other. I mean, they get along, but they never talk because person A has this attitude that person B is supposed to call them, but person B feels like person A should call them first. So nobody ever calls anybody unless someone is literally dying. They see each other at graduations, weddings, and funerals. It's not a family.
So what happens when you take a family that's constantly embroiled in civil war and mix it with a family full of stubborn passive-aggressives? Well, other than a divorce, you get what I've got... I'm the only one who talks to my dad on a regular basis. I try to make excuses for my older siblings, that they've got their own families now and they're busy, but I mean really...shouldn't any member of your family always be a top priority? But I guess I shouldn't complain about that too much...at least Mike is talking to Dad again. They went YEARS without speaking to each other, and nobody even really knew why. They were both just too stubborn to pick up the phone and apologize. My dad missed Mike's wedding and the births of two daughters. And even with them talking again, I don't think my dad really cared with Mike's third daughter was born. And then there's Tracey...I cut her even more slack because she lives a few hours away. But her mom lives in Wichita, and she comes down ALL THE TIME to see her. Why can't she ever pop in to say hi to Dad? And Tyler doesn't talk to Dad much anymore...right now he's pissed because Dad didn't call him back one time, so he didn't call Dad to wish him a happy birthday last week. I can just see that relationship deteriorating into the one Dad had with Mike for all those years...
I'm not saying that Dad is blameless in all of this. The attitude he has about calling his siblings is the same one he has about calling his kids. He hasn't been the best dad in the world, either. He's difficult to talk to. He's not very supportive, especially if you want to do something he disagrees with. I make excuses for him, too...he didn't really have a dad growing up, so maybe he just doesn't know how to be one. And he's not a warm-fuzzy person.
My mom is wonderful. I get along great with her. She's always there for me, and I can talk to her about anything. But one person does not an entire family make. Not for me, anyway. Not when I know I've got other family.
Okay...enough whining...this crummy mood is ruining "Nigella Feasts" for me. And the whole episode is devoted to desserts. She's making cupcakes now!!
skip to main |
skip to sidebar
