First Post

Okay, so, this is my new journal. I've got a LiveJournal, which I've been keeping for over 3 years now, but it's not very private. True, it's "friends only," but sometimes that's exactly who I don't want to read my entries. I mean, who cares if random strangers on the internet read about my life? I don't. Not really, anyway. I hold so much back in my LJ because I don't want my friends & family to know how I feel, but I can't keep it all bottled up all the time. It's starting to drive me crazy. So I'm doing this.

So what's going on with me lately? Well, I'm not very good with analogies, but here goes nothing:

If you were to compare my life to a boat on the ocean, then my life has been pretty smooth sailing. Calm, clear waters. Maybe a few small waves every now & then, but nothing major to upset the boat. Sometime over the past few months, however, a little hole has worn into the bottom of the boat, and water's been leaking in. I'm trying my best to bail it out, but it's not working. Water just keeps pouring in, and I feel like I'm drowning. Drowning in what, I'm not sure... Emotion? Experience? Whatever it is, I'm not ready for it. I'm scared. I feel like this is my test, and I'm failing. Bottom line...when it comes to life, I lose.

I'm about to start my last year of college, and then I'm out on my own. The thought of that scares me so much that I was briefly engaged to an almost total stranger. Thank God I found out that he was a lying, cheating scumbag before I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Seriously though...am I so unprepared for life that I would rather marry the wrong guy than try to take care of myself for a change?

I don't know the answer to these questions. I'm hoping that by keeping this blog, I'll be able to work it all out for myself.