You Seem Fine, But I Feel Blue...

I know you'll never read this.

At least, I hope you don't.

I really liked you. It started as a crush, but then it exploded into way more. We were having so much fun together, and I was really enjoying getting to know you. I thought maybe you liked me too. I told you I liked you, but you just wanted to be friends. I was a little crushed, but I rebounded over spring break, and I was fine.

After spring break, we started hanging out again. We went on a date. I don't know if it was the conversation we had that night, or maybe what happened, or what...I don't know. But something made me change my mind about you and made the things that happened okay. I didn't like you anymore. I still wanted to be your friend, but I didn't see you as different anymore. You were just the same as every other guy who's treated me like crap. So I was feeling pretty emotionally detached from the situation, and everything was fine. Maybe a little awkward, but mostly fine.

Then this week happened. And now I'm confused about you. I don't want to just wash over the fact that for a few days I saw you as just another guy...I think I should hold on to that instinct because it's probably the only thing saving me from behaving in true Whitney style about this whole thing. The only thing saving me from getting hurt again. But at the same time...I really enjoy being around you. Just being in the same room with you. That's weird, isn't it? And you constantly surprise me. The things you've done. The places you've gone. The things you want to do.

I don't know what to do. I know you don't feel the same way. Even if you did, I don't think you'd ever tell me. Even if you did tell me, you don't want a relationship. Even if you did want a relationship, we're graduating in 5 weeks and going in completely opposite directions. Trying to be with you is like diving head-first into a tidal wave.

I wish I could get inside your head. Or maybe your heart. I want to know what you're thinking about when you make those faces at me. I want to know how you feel about last Friday. I want to know what you want from me because I don't know how to act around you anymore.