I Don't Know

I've got this new nightly routine, I've noticed. Around 9, I always make a cup of tea. It's not really to relax me, and I don't think it's really a conscious decision to do it at 9 every night. That just happens to be the time of the day when I get so freaking cold, I have to do something to warm myself up. Flannel pants and sweaters cease being effective, so I pretty much have to shoot up with boiling water to keep from freezing to death.

Okay, enough with the dramatics. Well, the melodramatics, anyway. I've been trying to write this entry for the past two or three days, but I keep getting interrupted. I don't want to say that this has all been inspired by my art history class, because it hasn't. I guess maybe what we've been talking about in there has helped me to look at things I've been feeling lately in a different way. Whatever, that last sentence really didn't make much sense.

In my art history class, we've been talking about truth. How do we know what's true? Well, what's true is what's real. But here's where I'm having the problem...nothing seems real to me anymore. Or at least, I'm not sure what's real and what isn't. I think being lied to by someone you thought you could trust is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. It changes you. At least, it changed me. I think I've become disillusioned with people. I don't know what to believe or who to believe. Really, on the list of things I believe in, God is just about the only thing left. And don't ask me how he managed to stay on, because really I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore. It's become my default answer to just about every question.

I've also been feeling very alone lately. Not because I'm actually alone...I'm surrounded by tons of people. I think I'm trying to shut everyone out, and I'm not sure why. I suppose it's a form of self-preservation... I think feeling lonely is better than feeling loved and then finding out it was all a lie.