Reasons Why

I really hate Hendrix. I hate what the atmosphere does to people. And maybe it's just what naturally happens when you get a bunch of privileged potheads together and feed them beer and pizza. Like gremlins. They just turn into freaking monsters. I don't know. I just made that up. But really...I've had moments of really disliking this place and wanting to leave many times over the past three and a half years...but there's something about this semester that makes me want to leave and never look back.

I don't like the person I sometimes become in this environment.

I don't feel like I can trust anyone here. Anyone.

At first I thought this semester was going to suck because I was taking all business classes. Then I remembered that I love business professors. Then I thought this semester was going to suck because I didn't have any friends. Then I made a ton of new friends. Now I know why this semester sucks...because I'm still here. I AM NOT HAPPY HERE. Sure, I have moments of happiness when I'm doing something that's completely independent of everything going on around me...painting or reading or trying a new recipe. But most of the time, I feel suffocated. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I feel like nobody really cares whether I live or die. Like I actually had the thought tonight, while surrounded by "friends," that hey, maybe I could just kill myself and nobody would notice. And then I thought, yeah, that doesn't sound too bad...maybe I'll do it tomorrow. I HATE THESE THOUGHTS! I'm not depressed. I'm not psycho. It's this place.

And the thing is, I just don't care anymore. I'm so ready to give up and wash my hands of this whole mess. Chalk it up to a learning experience in which I learned nothing. Nothing good, anyway. I've learned that I can't trust or rely on anybody, even myself sometimes. I've learned that people will be sweet as pie to your face and talk tons of shit on you behind your back. I've learned that sex is meaningless, except that it absolutely isn't. I've learned that no matter how much you want them to, sometimes people will never open up to you. I've learned that you get punished for being responsible. I've learned that pretty people get away with murder...and they know it and they take full advantage of it. I've learned that there's no such thing as a "nice guy"...just "scumbags" and "scumbags who are even scummier because they pretend to be nice guys to trick you into bed" and "scumbags who are the absolute scummiest because they pretend to be nice guys to trick you into hooking them up with your prettier friends."

Ugh...I need to go to bed...I've gotta get up in 6 and a half hours to study for a test that I should've spent all day today studying for. Except that I slept all day. And then I partied all night. Because I'm a mixture of retarded and easily pressured.