I I I

I passed Money, Banking, & Credit.

I'm in a fight with my roommate.

I desperately want to be home.

I. Give. Up.

Isolation, Day 1

I just talked to my mom. I don't know that it really helped, maybe just made me want to be home even more. She suggested going into isolation (minus Laura, who might be the only person left who doesn't make me feel uncomfortable and wretchedly depressed) for the next 10 days. It might be worth a shot. I don't expect that I'll make it past Tuesday, when I have my last final and can no longer use studying as an excuse.

Anyway, if you see me and I turn around and walk away (does anybody even read this?), don't be offended. Unless I hang out with you all the time and now I'm suddenly not, because then maybe you should be offended because it might mean that I maybe sort of hate you right now.

Feeling Dead-ish

I didn't mention it in all my rage last night, but yesterday I finished reading Tokyo Cancelled. I think I'll probably read House of Sand and Fog next. It's not very long, and I think it'll go quickly because, if it's anything like the movie, it's a pretty intense story. So maybe that will compensate for all of the time I spent on Tokyo Cancelled.

I didn't sleep well last night. I barely slept at all, in fact. I'm not ridiculously angry anymore, but still sad that everything is ending this way. And, at the same time, not sad because it is in fact ending and I won't be mourning the loss. I think having no friends at home is still better than having fake friends here. Well anyway, that's how I feel right now.

I still haven't studied for this test. Right now, I almost feel like what would be the point? I either know it or I don't. Which means I don't. Cramming isn't going to do anything but make my head fuzzy. And yet, maybe at least going over my notes again will make me feel more confident in the material, which could actually have a positive effect on my performance. We'll see, I suppose. Mostly I just want to get it over with. I want to be done with this test, done with this class, done with this school. Well, that last bit won't happen until next week, but you know.

Reasons Why

I really hate Hendrix. I hate what the atmosphere does to people. And maybe it's just what naturally happens when you get a bunch of privileged potheads together and feed them beer and pizza. Like gremlins. They just turn into freaking monsters. I don't know. I just made that up. But really...I've had moments of really disliking this place and wanting to leave many times over the past three and a half years...but there's something about this semester that makes me want to leave and never look back.

I don't like the person I sometimes become in this environment.

I don't feel like I can trust anyone here. Anyone.

At first I thought this semester was going to suck because I was taking all business classes. Then I remembered that I love business professors. Then I thought this semester was going to suck because I didn't have any friends. Then I made a ton of new friends. Now I know why this semester sucks...because I'm still here. I AM NOT HAPPY HERE. Sure, I have moments of happiness when I'm doing something that's completely independent of everything going on around me...painting or reading or trying a new recipe. But most of the time, I feel suffocated. I feel like I can't trust anyone. I feel like nobody really cares whether I live or die. Like I actually had the thought tonight, while surrounded by "friends," that hey, maybe I could just kill myself and nobody would notice. And then I thought, yeah, that doesn't sound too bad...maybe I'll do it tomorrow. I HATE THESE THOUGHTS! I'm not depressed. I'm not psycho. It's this place.

And the thing is, I just don't care anymore. I'm so ready to give up and wash my hands of this whole mess. Chalk it up to a learning experience in which I learned nothing. Nothing good, anyway. I've learned that I can't trust or rely on anybody, even myself sometimes. I've learned that people will be sweet as pie to your face and talk tons of shit on you behind your back. I've learned that sex is meaningless, except that it absolutely isn't. I've learned that no matter how much you want them to, sometimes people will never open up to you. I've learned that you get punished for being responsible. I've learned that pretty people get away with murder...and they know it and they take full advantage of it. I've learned that there's no such thing as a "nice guy"...just "scumbags" and "scumbags who are even scummier because they pretend to be nice guys to trick you into bed" and "scumbags who are the absolute scummiest because they pretend to be nice guys to trick you into hooking them up with your prettier friends."

Ugh...I need to go to bed...I've gotta get up in 6 and a half hours to study for a test that I should've spent all day today studying for. Except that I slept all day. And then I partied all night. Because I'm a mixture of retarded and easily pressured.

50 Book Challenge & Sundry Other Things

I just have to say that Tokyo Cancelled is killing any progress I might have been making in this reading challenge. It's the most frustrating book I've ever read in my life because most of the stories make NO SENSE WHATSOEVER! I don't want to just give up, especially since I'm almost done with it now. But really...this is one of the most difficult books I've ever read. And pointless, too.

I ended up being able to go to the party last night. We played Circle of Death and I sang "Baby One More Time" with Adam and a puppy kissed me. I also had a sneezing fit that lasted for at least 15 minutes. Adam spent the night and kissed me on the temple when he left this morning. Man, I'm gonna miss that guy so much...I've grown really attached to him this semester. But he said he'd come visit me this summer so we can ride roller coasters and drop 650 feet into a salt mine.

I'm graduating in 11 days. Holyfreakingshit. Here are the things I'll miss the most:

• Laura
• Something Brewing
• Professor Kerr's stories about Rose

Wow...I thought the list would be longer than that...but I honestly can't think of anything else that I'll really, really miss when I leave.

ARGGGGGGGGGG

There are ducks in my swimming pool. Today I went to my last class ever for the rest of my life. I got an A on my FinMan test, which means I might be able to pull out a B in the class. I got 5 books in the mail today, including my favorite book of all time. Tonight I'm making crepes (wish me luck). I had plans tonight, and even though I'm responsible and got a sub for my shift, I work with people who are not so responsible, so I have to go to work anyway. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset that I'm missing out on one of my last opportunities to party with my friends AND a chance to celebrate the end of classes before I move into the library for the next week.

Anyway...mood=not happy. Although I do love puppies.

Lazy Day

"Cleaning" my room. Listening to a mix of summer-y music. Missing a bottle of nail polish. Dreaming about my Mustang. Drooling over summery dresses and oversized sunglasses.

Last night I had a dream that I was dating (and living with!) Jack Johnson. It was the best dream I've ever had. I'd spend all day in bed if I thought I could get back to that dream...

I'd really like to quit my job at Dillons, but I don't think that's so much a possibility right now. Actually, I'm not sure they're even planning to hire me back, and part of me would really like it if they didn't. But they probably will, and I'll go back, and I'll put all the effort into my job that I always have. It's not a bad job. I like most of the people I work with. I'd just like to find something different. Something that I really enjoy. Something that let's me wear my own clothes. Or at least something that pays better than 7 bucks an hour.

I miss Max. He's getting fat. This summer I'm gonna take him jogging with me and teach him how to swim.

This morning I bought running clothes and a sports bra and a new swimsuit. I'm so ready for summer. The heat and the sun and the smell of sunscreen & citronella. Sweat. Ceiling fans. Tomatoes. Sprinklers. Violent storms. Chlorine. Fireworks. Hot dogs. Iced tea.

Two weeks.

Post-Toga

First hangover ever. Recovering nicely. I puked a bit this morning (nothing more than bile...I didn't eat dinner last night, so there was nothing in my stomach but alcohol...oops). Had a headache all day, but finally took some aspirin and a nap and feel just fine (tummy's still a little wonky, but I haven't thrown up in 7 or 8 hours). Ariane told me that a good cure for a hangover is to eat super-greasy, fatty food...so I had a cheeseburger, fries, and a vanilla milkshake for lunch. I'm a little surprised that I've kept it down. It didn't really cure anything, though. Anyway...

Last night was weird. And not just for me...it's what I've been hearing from a lot of people. From what I can remember (which is apparently not everything), I spent a good chunk of the time walking in circles around the party, crying because I kept seeing Andrew but couldn't find Adam. I remember being really confused and not really being able to see. I think I grabbed a lot of people's boobs, and I've been told that I bit Kelly and told her it was sexual. Apparently I'm a little bit gay when I'm wasted.

Other than my weird night, yesterday was a pretty good day. I feel really good about my Financial Management test, and I got to hang out with Patrick for a couple hours in the afternoon. We went out to lunch and ran some errands, then he came back to Stella with me so I could show him my chicken painting. I like Patrick. I'm sad that I haven't gotten to hang out with him more and that we haven't become better friends. I'm sure we won't stay in touch after I leave. He prophesied that we'd see each other again when we're 45, but obviously he was joking about that. I'll miss him.

I really need to clean this place up, but I'm just not sure I've got the energy to do that.

Lots of Stuff

So tired. Did not sleep well at all last night. Don't really want to do anything but sleep today. Unfortunately, this is not so much an option since I have crazy amounts of work to do. Yuckkkkkkk.

It's almost over, it's almost over, it's almost over.

In other news, I'm so excited about my car. And I'm never going to shut up about it. I'm actually going to have a car. Like a real car. And it'll be mine. I'm finally excited about driving like most people are when they're 16. (For those who don't know, I've never been excited about driving. I hate driving. I've been putting it off for a long time. I haven't even been behind the wheel of a car in over 4 years. True story.)

Man I can't wait to be done with all of this... And okay, my senior prediction was not bad at all, and overall they weren't as mean this year as they've been in the past. In fact, they were mostly pretty lame. But I'm going to go off about them anyway. Why do we do this? Why is this such a grand tradition? Who wants to end college on such a sour note? I mean, people really get their feelings hurt over this stuff. To me, the whole senior predictions thing really sums up this campus...a huge, judgmental, mean-spirited rumor mill. I think individuals here are pretty nice, but you get people in a group and all they do is talk shit about everybody else. And I'm not gonna lie...I'm guilty of it too. And it makes me sick. It makes me absolutely sick to be in the kind of environment where that's not only acceptable, but it's the number one hobby. I'm sure it's like this at most small residential schools, and that's definitely something I wish I'd known before I started looking at colleges. I went to a small high school, but I never really thought my school was very clique-ish or gossipy, and I assumed that a small college would be the same way. Worst assumption ever!

It's almost over, it's almost over, it's almost over.

Lucky!

My dad said yes! I'm getting the Mustang! My mom said it'll be in the driveway when I get home!!

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet.

Like this, but green:

Procraaaaaastination

I'm having the worst case of procrastination tonight. I haven't done my homework for Corporate Strategy or Cost Accounting. I probably won't do the Cost Accounting. Ughhhhhhhhhh. Just wanna listen to music and play with Myspace and watch TV and and and.

But there is some good news:
I miiiiiight be getting that Mustang. My dad is *thisclose* to saying yes.

Tomato Soup: My Arch Nemesis

So I just made some soup that smelled, looked, and even sort of tasted like vomit.

CAMPBELL'S SELECT GOLD LABEL ITALIAN TOMATO WITH BASIL AND GARLIC (okay first of all, that is the longest damn name for some soup that tastes like puke): YOU SUCK!

I can't believe I actually put that stuff in my mouth. I took like two bites and dumped it out. Grosssss. Then I ate a ton of bread and a tangelo and a granola bar. And you know what? ALL I CAN TASTE IS THAT ICKY SOUP!

Whitney, when will you learn that you don't like tomato soup? No matter which way ya slice it, you're never going to like it. I know you want to like it because the idea of it seems so appealing. Especially on a drizzly day like today. But you're never going to find a tomato soup that you like. Get over it and just drink some tomato juice.

Soufflé!!

So I totally just made my first soufflé ever. A lemon-ricotta soufflé with blueberries. Yeah, it's totally badass.

Terryfic

This morning I got up pretty early (for me on a Sunday, anyway) to take pictures of Terryn. They turned out gorgeous, of course. We had so much fun, we're doing another shoot on Tuesday.

So it turned out to be a relatively productive weekend after all. I did 2 loads of laundry last night, so now I've got more than enough underwear and shirts to last the rest of the semester. I haven't done any homework yet, but I've only got one assignment, and it shouldn't take too long. I didn't ever make it over to Wal-Mart, but hopefully I'll be able to go sometime this week...

Anyway, go check out the photos of Terryn on Flickr:

The Green Monster

So I might be getting a car when I go home. My parents were planning to get me one for graduation, but so far they hadn't really found anything (not that they'd exactly been looking, unless you count my dad trying to pawn off his Taurus onto me). But now my mom's found one, so it just depends on what my dad says...and hopefully he'll say yes. It's a green '98 Mustang. Cross your fingers for me!!

I've done nothing at all this weekend. Nothing productive or meaningful, anyway. I desperately need to clean my room and do some laundry and go to Wal-Mart and study and and and. It never ends, you know.

You should also maybe cross your fingers that I can get a daybed when I go home. It would save me mucho space in my bedroom.

Eight Down, Forty-two to Go...

I just finished reading The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield. It started out really weird, and I wasn't sure I was going to like it. But it got better, and I must've liked it because it was over 400 pages long and took me less than a week to read. This is the problem I have with books sometimes...I'm not sure I like them, but for some reason I keep reading, and before I know it I've finished a 400-page beast within a week. That's what happened with Thunderstruck, which I'm still not sure I really liked. Some books are easier to get through than others, though...for example, I love One Hundred Years of Solitude (464 pages), but I've never been able to make it more than halfway through. Well, maybe I'll finally be able to do it this summer.

Ariane's in Baltimore this weekend, so I've got the room to myself. I spent most of today reading, napping, watching TV, and stuffing my face. It's been wonderful...

Aristotle, Stained Glass, & Heavenly Hummus

Today's been a pretty spectacular day, despite getting absolutely no sleep last night. This morning we had our presentation in Cost Accounting (over If Aristotle Ran General Motors), and I think it went pretty well. We didn't have any problem filling up the time (it had to be at least 30 minutes, and we went for 45), and overall everything just went really smoothly. Also, we got our tests back in Corporate Strategy (the one I spent 13 hours studying for), and I got a 97!! Woohoo!!

After class I went by the post office to pick up my books from Amazon, and I got a surprise...my latest order from LingGlass had arrived, too! When I got back to my room and opened up the envelope, I discovered that one of the pendants had cracked pretty badly in shipment. I was a little disappointed at first, but really...it's okay. It was the postage stamp one, so you can't really see the cracks (most of them are on the back anyway), and you can't feel them if you run your finger over the glass, so I'm not too torn up about it. It's still beautiful. As are the other two.

And of course I'm excited about my books...my Peace Corps books!! Plus a vegetarian cookbook that has a recipe for lemon walnut hummus, which just sounds like a spoonful of heaven on earth. And a couple other books, too, but I've mentioned all of this before.

The End.

Today I told him how I felt. I figured that, before I completely gave up on him, I should try being balls-to-the-walls honest and open, and if that didn't work...well, then I would give up. So I told him. His response, as I sort of expected, was lacking. So I'm giving up. Yes, I still love him with my whole heart, and that's not going to change. But from this point on, I stop hoping that someday he'll love me back. I give up any illusion that we'll stay in touch after graduation. I just let go. Of course, I'll always be there if he needs me...but he won't.

Reminders to Myself

Somewhere along the line, I forgot the rules I'd recently committed to live by.

• Take everything at face value. Don't get so caught up in wishing for more, because then you'll never be content. You've been spending all this wonderful time with someone you love with your whole heart, and every time you leave in tears? Whitney, this is not any kind of way to live your life.
• Breathe. I know you forget to do this sometimes, especially when you're crying. Which is something you've done entirely too much lately. It's not healthy. And neither is not breathing. Do you need to write it on your wrist again? Maybe you really do need a permanent reminder to breathe, as silly as that may seem.
• DO NOT GIVE IN TO SADNESS. The weather doesn't make you depressed. You're using that as a crutch. Only you have the power over your mood. Lately you've been choosing to be sad. I don't know if it's because you want people to be sorry for you, but they're obviously showing you that they really couldn't care less. And it's not because they don't care about you, so don't go feeling sorry for yourself about that. It's because you're too sad too often, and they're tired of dealing with it. You're alienating your friends. You may think you don't care because, after all, you're only going to know these people for another 4 weeks. But baby, 4 weeks is still 4 weeks, and we know how you get when you're all alone. Also, on a personal level, being sad is exhausting. Do you know how many tears you wasted this week? Nobody died. You weren't in horrible, excruciating pain. All of those tears were for nothing better than a child's temper tantrum. You were crying because you didn't get what you wanted. Baby, appreciate what you've got!
  

And something new:

• Now that you've got all of these great plans, GO FOR THEM. Don't give up before you even begin. Don't be like that. He showed you that, and even though you haven't been able to help him do the same, it doesn't mean you've failed. The only way you've failed is if you've learned this lesson and choose to ignore it. And if things don't work out the way you planned--if you don't get accepted into the Peace Corps--don't let that be the end of it. Don't shrug it off and say, "Oh well, wasn't meant to be, I'll just go back to working at Dillons." NO! DO NOT DO THIS! Look for something else. The Peace Corps isn't the only international volunteer organization. And there are tons of domestic programs too. JUST DO SOMETHING. Have an adventure. You need it. And you need to do something good for someone else because you're far too selfish. You've had such an easy life...it's time to rough it up a bit, kid.

Now go stop being depressed and take a shower and wear something pretty.

It's freezing in here, and my fingers are going numb...

Today I got my iPod shuffle. At first, I didn't think it was going to work with my computer because I was missing some component or something and couldn't install the latest version of iTunes. But thanks to Andrew, the problem has been fixed, and I'm now playing with my lovely little chunk of orange aluminum.

Tonight I'm getting DRUNK. I felt like such an alcoholic when Andrew & I went to the liquor store a few hours ago. I bought a half-gallon of rum, a half-gallon of vodka, a medium-sized bottle of Jager, and a bottle of wine. But only the wine was for myself. I probably wouldn't have even gotten anything, but they had the Red Bicyclette French rosé this time. Yay!!

Sun is in the sky, oh why oh why would I want to be anywhere else?

Today really was a wonderful day. I feel pretty good about my Cost Accounting exam, and this afternoon I had lunch (alone) at Something Brewing. After lunch I walked down to Toad Suck Square and went to That Bookstore.

The sun is shining, and the melancholia has left town.

3 Down, 4 To Go

I finished my paper a few minutes before 8 tonight. I seriously think that might be the earliest I've ever finished a paper. And it was probably the fastest, easiest paper I've ever written. Well, maybe.

So now I've just got 3 tests and a presentation left to go. Haha, I love how I'm saying that like it's nothing. I've had a couple of minor mental breakdowns already, but nothing huge. I cried a lot last night & today. It's the weather, more than anything.

On the plus side: I finally did some laundry. I think I have enough underwear to last me about a week, but as long as I've got enough to last until next Monday, I'm good. After that, I'm free as a bird until finals.

Today I bought an iPod shuffle. I've got this crazy idea that I'm actually going to hardcore get into shape this summer, so I'm spending tons of money I don't have to be well-equipped. Yesterday I ordered a pair of running shoes. Yeah, that's another one of my crazy ideas...I'm going to start jogging. WTF, right? I'm sure it won't actually happen.

Anyway, I'm subbing for Michelle tonight, so I guess I should go sit at the desk and pretend like I'm actually working. And I need to study for my Cost Accounting test.

Maybe I won't actually kill myself this week. But if I do...Laura, you can have the shuffle.

I Give Up

Yeah...I give up. On guys. On school. On everything... I'd give up on life, but I'm pretty sure that'd piss some people off.

I'm just really tired and I don't think I know how to do it anymore.

Kill Me Now, plz

Our presentation didn't go so well this morning. But I love how Anne totally got out of doing it with us by telling Dr. Oxner that she had a sore throat and needed to save her voice for the choir performance this weekend. I mean, I'm sure she's sick, but it just seems a little shady considering that she didn't have anything to say about the project anyway since she didn't bother to show up for any of our group meetings all semester.

I'm not in a very good mood today because I'm really tired. And it's only Monday. I have *no idea* how I'm going to make it through this entire week without having a nervous breakdown at some point.

Yuck.

Guys

Yeah, I'm pretty much ready to give up on them altogether. I've given up on Andrew. There's another guy I kind of like, but I don't think he likes me, and if he knew I liked him I think things would be kind of weird because I see him everyday. It's one of those cases where "no guts, no glory" is very much outweighed by my desire to graduate.

Reading List

Consumed:
2007: In Books
Dance for Two by Alan Lightman
The Grass Harp by Truman Capote
The Gun Seller by Hugh Laurie
Franny and Zooey by J.D. Salinger
The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
The Dark Lantern by Gerri Brightwell
Wicked by Gregory Maguire
The Monster of Florence by Douglas Preston, with Mario Spezi

In Progress:
The Invention of Everything Else by Samantha Hunt

Patiently Waiting to be Read:
Banishing Verona by Margot Livesey
The Blackest Bird by Joel Rose
The Gentle Axe by R.N. Morris
The Historian by Elizabeth Kostova
Down and Out in Paris and London by George Orwell
The Complete Stories of Truman Capote by Truman Capote
If Harry Potter Ran General Electric by Tom Morris
Wish by Melina Gerosa Bellows
One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Life of Pi by Yann Martel
Vintage Hughes by Langston Hughes
Living Poor: A Peace Corps Chronicle by Moritz Thomsen
The Omnivore's Dilemma by Michael Pollan
No More Bull! by Howard F. Lyman
Milkrun by Sarah Mlynowski
House of Sand and Fog by Andre Dubus III
A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray
Love Walked In by Marisa de los Santos
The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls
Holy Cow: An Indian Adventure by Sarah Macdonald
The Brooklyn Follies by Paul Auster
The Double Bind by Chris Bohjalian
Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe
Eye Contact by Cammie McGovern
The Color of a Dog Running Away by Richard Gwyn
Heyday by Kurt Andersen
Stuart: A Life Backwards by Alexander Masters
Flatland: A Romance of Many Dimensions by Edwin A. Abbott
The Planets by Dava Sobel
The Geographer's Library by Jon Fasman
Satan's Circus by Mike Dash
The Chess Machine by Robert Lohr
Ghost: A Novel by Alan Lightman
Persuasion by Jane Austen
The Fourth Bear by Jasper Fforde
Fire Bell in the Night by Geoffrey Edwards
Pilgrims by Elizabeth Gilbert
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
Son of a Witch by Greg Maguire
Living, Studying, and Working in Italy by Monica Larner & Travis Neighbor Ward
The Host by Stephenie Meyer

Book Worm

Last night I bought books. This morning I ordered more online. I don't know why, but lately I've been amassing more books than I can possibly read. I think it's a sign that I'm turning into my mother. Also, if I'm going to do the 50 Book Challenge, I should probably have 50 books. Or something like that.

I finished reading Thunderstruck last night. Definitely not as good as The Devil in the White City, but it was good. The last several chapters went by much faster than the rest of the book. I've started reading Eat, Pray, Love, a memoir/travelogue about "one woman's search for everything across Italy, India, and Indonesia." It's really good so far...her writing style reminds me a lot of my own, so of course I'm enjoying it. At Hastings last night, I also bought The Blackest Bird ("a novel of murder in nineteenth-century New York"), The Gentle Axe ("a spellbinding historical crime novel" set in 19th-century Russia), and Down and Out in Paris and London (Orwell's novel about poverty & society), plus a book of sudoku, a bookmark, and World Stompers (an international travel guide, a present for Ariane). Today on Amazon, I ordered my own copy of World Stompers, Tokyo Cancelled (a book of interconnected short stories that I've been wanting to read for a couple of years but could never find in bookstores), Living Poor (a 40-something farmer's account of serving in the Peace Corps), So You Want to Join the Peace Corps: What to Know Before You Go (a Q&A-type book about the Peace Corps), and Fresh Food Fast (a vegetarian cookbook that I was looking at last night at Hastings but was significantly cheaper on Amazon).

Wow, so that was a whole lot of links... Anyway, I've been kind of lazy this weekend. Yesterday I got a good bit of our Power Point presentation done for Corporate Strategy (the presentation is tomorrow), but I'm not planning to do any more until Adam gets back & we can work on it together. I should start working on my paper for that (due Wednesday), but again...I want to wait for Adam to get back so we can work on it together. I also desperately need to do laundry. But what am I going to do? Well, I think I might go lock myself in a study carrel in the library and start reading through the chapters of my Money, Banking, & Credit book (test on Thursday). YUCK. But if I spread it out over the next few days, it won't be bad. And those chapters aren't long or hard to read.

My Lame Last Night

Yesterday was awful. Cold and gray. I cried a lot, and over the stupidest things. I put 13 hours into studying for that test, and I still didn't feel completely ready for it. Now I know what test anxiety feels like...it was horrible. I'm sure I did just fine, but at the time I was absolutely freaking out. I was exhausted yesterday, and I should've gone straight to bed after the test, but I didn't. I came back to my room and read for a while. Then Andrew called and asked if I wanted to go to the liquor store with him, so I did. I bought a bottle of super cheap sangria just because it was in a super-'70s bottle and also a bottle of blackberry wine. I had dinner alone and started drinking alone. It was pretty pathetic...I cried... Since I was in a crying mood, I decided to watch House of Sand and Fog, and I'm not gonna lie...in the movie when Kathy was attempting suicide, I was thinking she had the right idea... I do that a lot, though. I don't think I'd ever actually go through with it, but you might be surprised how often I think about it. Anyway, I fell asleep before the movie ended (and missed my favorite part). I think I slept for about 2 hours. I watched Numbers and drank some more sangria (this time with Ariane, who was drinking apple Puckers from a flask) and got drunk again. I wasn't really sad anymore when I woke up from my nap, though. I thought Andrew & I were gonna hang out when he got back from seeing some movie with Robin & Shawn, but when he called he was just like, "okay, I'll see ya later." And he wasn't the only one who said that to me last night. Patrick was the first one I called, but he said no like always. And Laura had to work until 11, at which point she went to hang out with her brother. So I read until about 1, and then I went to bed.

Last night was really lame. I'm going to be so ridiculously busy for the next week and a half, and I took one night off. One night. And I get ditched by everyone. Thanks, guys.

Anyway...no more whining. Time to take a shower & go to the library. Hopefully we'll get a lot done this afternoon. And I really need to do laundry sometime today.

You Seem Fine, But I Feel Blue...

I know you'll never read this.

At least, I hope you don't.

I really liked you. It started as a crush, but then it exploded into way more. We were having so much fun together, and I was really enjoying getting to know you. I thought maybe you liked me too. I told you I liked you, but you just wanted to be friends. I was a little crushed, but I rebounded over spring break, and I was fine.

After spring break, we started hanging out again. We went on a date. I don't know if it was the conversation we had that night, or maybe what happened, or what...I don't know. But something made me change my mind about you and made the things that happened okay. I didn't like you anymore. I still wanted to be your friend, but I didn't see you as different anymore. You were just the same as every other guy who's treated me like crap. So I was feeling pretty emotionally detached from the situation, and everything was fine. Maybe a little awkward, but mostly fine.

Then this week happened. And now I'm confused about you. I don't want to just wash over the fact that for a few days I saw you as just another guy...I think I should hold on to that instinct because it's probably the only thing saving me from behaving in true Whitney style about this whole thing. The only thing saving me from getting hurt again. But at the same time...I really enjoy being around you. Just being in the same room with you. That's weird, isn't it? And you constantly surprise me. The things you've done. The places you've gone. The things you want to do.

I don't know what to do. I know you don't feel the same way. Even if you did, I don't think you'd ever tell me. Even if you did tell me, you don't want a relationship. Even if you did want a relationship, we're graduating in 5 weeks and going in completely opposite directions. Trying to be with you is like diving head-first into a tidal wave.

I wish I could get inside your head. Or maybe your heart. I want to know what you're thinking about when you make those faces at me. I want to know how you feel about last Friday. I want to know what you want from me because I don't know how to act around you anymore.

Study Machine!

When all is said & done, I will have put over 12 hours into prepping for my Corporate Strategy test tomorrow. Does that test merit that much effort? Probably not. But gosh darnit, I'm gonna get an A on that thing. And if I don't? I'm gonna cut a bitch.

Today I started working on my application for the Peace Corps. I think it'll be a really good opportunity to get away and figure out my life. Not to mention get some great experience so I can actually feel kinda good about my chances applying to sail on a Greenpeace ship.

Well, I should seriously get to bed. I'm getting up at 6:45 in the morning to go study with Adam in the Burrow before class. And this is just the beginning, too. Here's the next week and a half of my life:

Friday, April 6th: Test in Corporate Strategy
Monday, April 9th: Presentation in Corporate Strategy
Wednesday, April 11th: 5-page paper due in Corporate Strategy, Test in Cost Accounting
Thursday, April 12th: Test in Money, Banking, & Credit
Friday, April 13th: Test in Financial Management
Monday, April 16th: Presentation in Cost Accounting

Yeah, if I don't kill myself before then, I'm pretty sure the stress will finish me off. I'm living in the library for the next 10 days (seriously, I spent NINE HOURS there today).

Retail Therapy

Man, I was in the worst mood ever this morning. And now? Not so much. I skipped class & went shopping this afternoon...it was wonderful. Things I bought:

• a lovely little smocked dress
• black flip-flops
• a t-shirt for Max
• a collar for Max
• a little sweater shrug
• a black headscarf with white polka-dots
• a frame for my lamb photo
• Children of Men on DVD
• a pretty little mug
  

Fun stuff. Plus I bought groceries this morning. Yay for giant strawberries, organic black beans, and multigrain bagels!!

Lovely Lovely

Today's been a pretty good day so far. I got TWO packages in the mail! My photos (all 8 million of them) and my lovely, lovely glass pendants from Singapore. Seriously, check out this lady's shop on Etsy...beautiful, hand-made, one-of-a-kind pieces. The two pendants I bought are even more lovely in person. I'll definitely be buying more in the future.

FYI: A week from Wednesday I will probably be dead. So get your goodbyes in while you can.

Disappearing...

This has been a hell of a weekend. I slept for about 10 straight hours last night...and while this hasn't been a particularly bad weekend, the sleeping for 10 hours was definitely the highlight.

Graduation is so close. Only 6 weeks. Once I go back home, I won't have the internet. Not too many people here have my cell phone number (although it's on Facebook), so I feel like I'm truly leaving it all behind when I leave. I'm not really expecting to stay in touch with very many people. Maybe one or two. Maybe none.

So at this point, I really feel like I've got nothing to lose. Why not get drunk and do something stupid and change a friendship forever? That's probably pretty close to what I was thinking Friday night. My relationship with that person had an expiration date 6 weeks from now anyway.

I can't find words to describe how ready I am to be away from here. Not that I really want to go back home. If I thought I were capable of it, I think I'd just disappear. Pack the few things that really mean a lot to me and just go away. I don't think I'd tell anybody where I was going until I got there. Mostly because I don't think I'd even know. And once I did figure out where I was going to end up, I'd tell a few family members, but that's probably it.

I have these moments when I feel so confused. So overwhelmed. And I'd like to just sit down and figure it all out, get to this point of absolute clarity. But I'm constantly being interrupted by life. But maybe if I could get away from it all, just for a year...maybe I could figure things out.

It's appealing. Just leaving. Going somewhere new. Starting over from scratch. I thought I had that opportunity when I came to college, but this place was a distraction. And the trips home were interruptions.

I get dizzy a lot.

Men: Of Stars and Flowers

Today I realized something very disappointing...and I suppose it's not that I've just now discovered it, but maybe that I've finally found a way to put it into words.

I know so many girls who are beautiful, intelligent, interesting, sweet...everything you'd think a man could ever want in a woman. Loyal. Low-maintenance. Real. But they're constantly being passed over by guys our age. Because the men we know are too busy (wet)dreaming about the "pretty" girls.

They're fixated on stars. Beautiful, sparkling stars. From millions and billions of miles away, they inspire men to foolishly abandon the real world in their pursuit.

But the funny thing about stars is that, while lovely at a distance, up close they're just giant balls of volatile gases, and they eventually lose their luster and burn out.

Meanwhile, we flowers, budding and blossoming and becoming ever sweeter and more beautiful, are trampled underfoot in the pursuit of stars.

Eventually some men give up on stars and settle for flowers. And while they're happy with their flowers, they still look in awe upon the stars. Some men get too close to stars and find themselves burned in the process...these are the ones who give up on love and carelessly step on flowers to filter out their pain.

Just sayin'.

Go With the Flow

FYI: I hate going with the flow. It's very much against my ridiculously impatient nature.

Yesterday I started reading The Alchemist, and I finished it this evening. I'm still not really sure how I feel about it. I want to like it. I feel like I did like it. But I don't feel deeply and profoundly changed by it. I already listen to my heart. I already look for signs. I haven't found my Personal Legend or anything, but I sort of think that's just a bunch of hooey anyway. Anyway, now I've started reading Erik Larson's Thunderstruck, which isn't quite as good as The Devil in the White City (at least so far...but hey, I'm only on page 26), but I think I'll like it anyway.

I spent a good chunk of tonight singing horrible karaoke in Laura's apartment, wondering whether or not I got asked out on a date, and not doing a bit of homework.

My Wednesday Thus Far

I know it's a little late in the game to be starting, but I think I'm gonna try out that 50 Book Challenge thing. I know I'll be lucky to get through half that many books by the end of the year, especially considering my predilection for ridiculously long books (The Devil in the White City was almost 400 pages, and The Historian, which I'm starting tonight, is 676...not to mention I'll be reading the 7th Harry Potter installment, a whopping 784 pages, this summer). But at least this gives me a goal. And speaking of Harry Potter, oh my jeez, Tom Morris (author of If Aristotle Ran General Motors, a book I had to read for class & ended up falling in love with) apparently has a book called If Harry Potter Ran General Electric. Oh my dears, I must read this book. Like now. And by now I mean sometime this summer, perhaps.

This afternoon I got to play with a basset hound/labrador mix. Now I smell like the delectable combination of perfume and puppy.

Today I had an overwhelming urge to paint an umbrella. Unfortunately, I don't so much have a good piece of wood on which to paint this parapluie, so it'll have to wait until I can get to Hobby Lobby. I'm firmly convinced that Corporate Strategy is only good for inspiring me to paint.

P.S. I finished reading Perfume, and now I've decided that I absolutely have to see this movie. I have to know if they end it the way the book ends.

Sleepytime.

KT Tunstall, you are my new addiction.

I'm almost done reading Perfume, a crazy book about a crazy guy who makes perfume out of dead girls. It's really good. I think, when I finish this, I'm going to start reading The Historian. Or maybe Thunderstruck. I really don't know. Maybe I should pick a book that doesn't have so much to do with murder, like The Alchemist or The Time Traveler's Wife.

Today I watched Aladdin and took a 2-hour nap. And now I'm going to bed. Before midnight, yo.

My Weekend

Today I walked a lot. And ate eel. And got a tan (yeah, that's right, no burn for me). And did my homework. Wtf, right? It was a great day full of things I never do.

This whole weekend was pretty good, actually. I got a lot done. Except that I still haven't unpacked. Oops...

Flower Girl

Yesterday I took a ton of photos of Ariane. See the rest at Flickr.

I Bleed Acrylic Paint

Yesterday I painted. A lot. Today I painted a lot more. I also got a wood-burning tool and a book about pyrography this morning, so now I'm teaching myself how to do that. It's not easy at all! I burned myself already. I did 2 pieces with the wood-burning tool, a bee and then a sunflower. The sunflower shows improvement over the bee, so that's a good sign. Here are the three pieces I finished yesterday:

Creative Juice

It's my favorite kind of juice, fyi.

Having a wonderful morning, despite staying up painting until 3 AM, thus only getting about 5 hours of sleep. Went out to breakfast with my dear lovely friends, then Laura & I went to Hobby Lobby so I could get more painting stuff. And guess what? I bought a book about woodburning and a woodburning tool. Sooooo...I'm just gonna do it. I'm gonna teach myself how to woodburn. I think it'll give my paintings a lot more depth. Plus it's just that fucking cool.

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna open up a shop on Etsy in the near future.

Suddenly I See

Last night I bought a couple of lovely pieces of jewelry on a lovely lady's Etsy shop, LingGlass. I got the serenity teardrop pendant and the New Zealand postage stamp pendant. Hand-made, one-of-a-kind, and dirt cheap considering the craftsmanship put into each one. I'm so psyched!

This morning I created a new blog, Down the Rabbit Hole. It's mostly a place for me to blog about my quasi-vegetarian ways. And to rant about being eco-friendly.

I'm feeling very creative today. I'm hoping to make it over to Hobby Lobby this afternoon to buy some paint and canvases. I want to paint a chicken. And sunflowers. I'm not really sure why.

KT Tunstall, I ♥ you.

Bunny Food

I think I'm gradually becoming a vegetarian. I don't know that I'll ever completely give up meat, mostly because I don't really like a lot of the vegetarian options at most restaurants. I'm not a big fan of restaurants in general, though, so I don't normally eat out more than once or twice a month. And lately when I've been eating out, I usually end up ordering giant salads that have a little meat in them. I've been trying out a lot of different meat substitutes...so far I like fake sausage, fake bacon, and fake ground beef. I'm not a big fan of the fake chicken nuggets, though. I bought some fake bratwurst, but I haven't tried it yet...maybe I'll have that for dinner tonight.

Last night I finished reading The Devil in the White City, which I'd only started reading on Thursday. It was incredible! I didn't want it to end.

I've got a test in an hour. I haven't studied much. Oops.

"How Can I Be Sure of You"--Harry Nilsson

The other day a friend of mine said, he said the sun's not really yellow. He said, he said the sun is really red. I said my friend, what do you mean? You read that in some magazine. Next thing you'll say the earth's not green. How can I be sure of you anymore? In a world that's always changing, rearranging. Always changing, changing. I said my friend, how do you do? And what you're saying isn't true. Next thing you'll say the earth is blue. He said my friend, you're in a dream, and things are never what they seem. No, things are never what they seem. How can I be sure of you anymore? In a world that's always changing, rearranging. Always changing, changing, changing...

The world feels like that sometimes. Like the truth is absolutely subjective, or at best elective.

She Said, She Said

You say I give my heart away too easily. I say I throw my whole heart into something, and I don't think it's a bad thing. You say I'm too trusting. I say it's better than being cynical. You say guys like bitchy girls. I say I shouldn't have to change who I am to get a boyfriend. Maybe I get hurt too easily. Maybe I'm an "easy target." I think these are just unfortunate consequences of my personality, and that's something I'm willing to live with.

I'm not completely naive. I know that people lie. I know that people take advantage of me. I know that kindness isn't always repaid, and I don't expect it to be. But I don't think I should have to change to fit the glum world we live in, because becoming cold and bitter doesn't make the world better. It only makes it gloomier. It only gives people another reason to be cynical. What the hell is wrong with wanting to rise above that and be happy and honestly try to love people and look for the good in everyone?

There's nothing wrong with that.

Calm Before the Storm

It's lovely outside today. That calm-before-the-storm feeling. The air is nice and cool, with a bit of a sticky undertone. Colors and smells are intensified. The grass is so green, the flowers smell so sweet.

I'm downloading the soundtrack to A Good Year, which I watched over spring break. Amazing movie, and so far an amazing soundtrack. Several French songs, which makes my ears happy.

I like wearing linen.

Spring Blur

Breakfast at Something Brewing. Road trip. Sweet text messages. Drunken fun. Walking around the park. Feeding bloated ducks and geese. Meeting the perfect guy. Making a date. More sweet messages. Sushi and ice cream. Jello shots and more drunken fun. Haircut. Zoo. Being headbutted by a goat. Petting the softest lamb. Being attacked by swans and gorillas. Watching a duck get gang raped. Another road trip. Downtown Lawrence. Beer and smoke. The Big Dipper. Eye doctor. Seeing my dad. Giving out my phone number. Great Plains Nature Center. Watercolors and handmade jewelry. World Market. Provencal Sorbet and China Pear. Text message breakup. Upset, confusion, lots of money spent. More sushi. Wet dog. Pounding nails into the wall with a giant hammer. More Jello shots. Saying goodbye. New clothes, new underwear. Hurtful words. Spending the night crying. Trying to get anyone on the phone. Getting up early. More shopping. Picture frames, a painting, some books, spices. Honeysuckle and Indian jewels. Taco salad. Snowy white cotton fields. Rain. Drunken messages. A scandalous invitation. An awkward introduction. Hot, steamy love. Premonition. Finding out that the perfect guy was not so perfect afterall. Jeopardy, the NCAA tournament, and the Arnold Palmer Invitational. Country Italian. Bronze statues. Old memories tied up in even older houses. A night alone. Laundry. Gardenias. Packing. The final road trip. Hotel sheets. Architects and serial killers. Breakfast at Something Brewing.

Homeward Bound

Well, I'm about to check out of the building, and tomorrow morning I'm leaving for Wichita. I'll be back next Sunday. I don't have the internet at home, so if you need to reach me, you'll have to call me. If you don't have my number, it's on Facebook. If you don't have my number and you're not friends with me on Facebook, you're probably a sketch ass mother fucker and would you please go away? Uh...*awkward turtle*...alright, have a great week everybody!!

Breathe

Eco-Responsibility

So I found some canvas bags online today. I bought 2 of them. They were kinda pricey (15 bucks a pop), but they'll last forever and it's just one more small way in which I can be a part of the solution. Anyway, I got them at a CafePress store that I found through a MySpace profile, and I really like them.

Kermit had it all wrong...it's really not that hard to be green!

I know I say this all the time, but I really love going to the grocery store. Today I bought lots of organic stuff and whole wheat pasta and fake sausage. I felt healthy and earth-friendly. I really want to get some canvas bags to take with me in the future, since I usually just buy a few things at a time. I haven't been throwing away the plastic bags, but I'm getting quite a collection and wish I didn't have so many.

So how much fun would it be to get paid to sail on a Greenpeace ship? Too bad I don't have any "maritime experience."

Daddy's Girl

I ♥ my daddy. I just made a date with him for sometime next week. We're gonna go out to Sierra Hills, an executive course, to play a round of golf some afternoon when the weather's nice. Yesssss. I love Sierra Hills. It's definitely one of my top 3 courses to play (along with Pretty Prairie and Hesston). I'm sure I'll probably suck it up out there...I think it's been almost 2 years since I've played. Although, I usually do my best when I haven't played in a while.

I love fresh air.

Morning Glory

This morning was wonderful. I love waking up earlier than I need to. I mean, yeah, I'd like to get some extra sleep...but I love mornings. I love going to Something Brewing in the morning. Today I went with Laura and Andy and had breakfast on the deck outside. Beautiful morning. They're still doing maintenance on the train tracks, so we there was a nice musical backdrop of those clanging bells as the gates went up and down. We sat around and talked about what we want to do after graduation. I've got a couple of different things in mind:

• find an organization that helps the homeless (like an advocacy group, maybe)
• work for a non-profit that helps low-income families find housing (like Habitat for Humanity)
• work for a company that produces alternative energy (like an ethanol producer or a wind farm)

I just feel like I need to do something meaningful. Even if I end up stuck in the accounting department at one of these places, at least I'm part of a team that's part of the solution.

So...true story: I'm back to being happy. There was a week or so there when I wasn't so happy, but I'm back on top of things. Still homesick, though. I've been writing love letters to my dog...

Wouldn't it be loverly?

Tonight I went out to dinner with Laura and Keisha. I hadn't seen Keisha in a few months, so that was a nice treat. :) Afterwards, we went to Hastings so Laura could rent Stranger Than Fiction, and I ended up buying My Fair Lady and West Side Story. Yeah, I'm such a badass...I spent my tattoo money on freaking musicals. But that's okay...I've decided not to get the tattoo until the last week of March, when Keisha's on spring break (because she wants to come watch).

Today was a better day...I'm still annoyed about a few things, but for the most part I'm trying to just let the small stuff slide.

Blah blah blah

Tonight I cooked for myself for the first time in a really long time. Lately it seems like whenever I cook, I'm cooking for a crowd. And then when it's time to cook for myself, I don't wanna put out so much effort, so I just nuke something in the microwave. But tonight I made some fish and garlic potatoes. Sooooo yummy. And I didn't have to worry about making sure it tasted good to everyone else.

I hope this week goes by really fast.

Dear Max,

I miss you terribly. I'm trying to get started on my work, but I'm so easily distracted by your beautiful pictures. That little nose! Those bushy eyebrows! It's possible that I love you so much because I can't remember how bad you smell. But of course, I loved you even when I could smell you. It makes me want to cry when Mom tells me that you stare at my photo all the time. Sometimes I wonder if we're staring at each other's photos at the same time.

I'm glad you like the clothes I send you. I'm bringing you a present when I come home, a little blue and yellow polo. The collar is backwards, which is something I wish I'd noticed before I bought it. Before I come home, I'll download "Fergalicious" and put it on a CD so we can dance like we used to. And I'll help you pop it again.

I want to take you for a walk when I get home, but you're so bad on the leash. Of course, now that you've gained a little weight, maybe your collar won't be so loose and I won't have to worry about you slipping out of it. Although Xena gets awfully sad when we go for walks without her.

I miss our play fights. I miss you nuzzling my neck. I miss you falling asleep in my lap. Mostly I miss your face and your warm little body. I promise I'll give you a bath and make you some more of those peanut butter bones when I come home. And maybe a batch of those baby food cookies...I think I've got some beef-flavored stuff in the cupboard. They look like dog shit and smell even worse, but I know how much you love them.

I'll be home in less than a week, baby boy.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

That's a philosophy I'm currently having some trouble living by. I feel like people take advantage of me being a nice person...they think they can use my stuff and I'll be cool with it, but I'm not. If I lend you something of mine, don't just go letting someone else borrow it without asking me. I mean, it's not a big deal, but I really hope I get that DVD back before spring break because I was planning to take it home. And if you're going to use my blow dryer, it'd be really nice if you didn't break it. And if you knew you broke it, tell me. Don't just put it back. If I'd known it wasn't working, I'd have bought a new one when I was out running errands. And stop making such a huge mess in the bathroom. Or at least clean it up. I barely have room to brush my teeth, let alone do my hair. Oh wait, I can't do that anyway because my blow dryer is broken.

And as for you...I'm not calling you anymore. I'm not inviting you to do stuff anymore. I know you're busy, and that's probably why you keep saying no, but the thing is...everytime you say no, it reminds me that you rejected me and it feels like it's happening all over again, and I just get upset. As stupid as that may be, that's just the way it's gonna be for a while. Maybe I'll feel better about the situation after I've had a chance to rebound over the break.

And finally you...what happened to you this past week? Getting your heart broken and having a cold doesn't give you an excuse to have a free-for-all. Quit throwing yourself a pity-party and get back to work. It's the only way you'll survive this week.

How you make me feel...

Fools rush in
Where wise men never go
But wise men never fall in love
So how are they to know?
When we met,
I felt my life begin
So open up your heart and let
This fool rush in

Living the High Life

Today I made it to class for the first time since last Thursday. I'm also pretty sure I failed my FinMan test. And I have to do an entire case for CorpStrat tomorrow (including reading the dang thing). Oops.

Life's still pretty good. I bought some new watercolors yesterday, and today I spent over an hour playing around with them. Tomorrow night I'm making lasagna for the first time...and using soy ground beef substitute and a different brand of noodles...I'm a little concerned that it's not gonna turn out quite right, but we'll see. Since I have to use the whole package of the ground beef substitute, I have to make a big pan of the lasagna, so we've invited a ton of people over for dinner. So...yeah...I really hope it turns out...

I'll just leave you with this:

ATTN: Men of the World

Alright guys, fyi: When a girl says she likes you, PLEASE don't respond with something that could be mistaken for "I like you too" if you don't actually like her. Because false hope really sucks. And the puffy eyes stick with you for several hours after you've stopped crying, making it really hard to look amazing and make the guy feel like an ass for turning you down.

Sucking the Marrow out of Life Since 2007

I watched Dead Poets Society last night, so I'm in a very "carpe diem" mood right now. So I'm just gonna tell him. I'm not sure when...probably the next time we hang out. But yeah...I'm gonna tell him that I like him. Why not? It's like Ariane said...even if I get hurt, embrace the pain because it's real. It's a feeling. It's a sign that you're really living.

Anyway, I'm sick. Really sick. Like, coughing up bits of vital organs sick. I'm going to see the nurse this afternoon, and hopefully she'll prescribe me some lovely drugs.

Sneezy McSneezerson

Having a great day. Actually not sleepy, in spite of not getting much this weekend. Walked to Something Brewing with Ariane this afternoon...temporarily cleared out my sinuses, nursed my coffee addiction, and supported small business all in one fell swoop!

I miss somebody. And I'm confused about somebody else. Last night I was told that I'm a really hard person to like, which made me cry considering the context of the conversation and the person who said it. Well, and just the fact that it was said... I'm hypersensitive about that kind of stuff...I want everyone to like me. Maybe it's because I'm not mean to people for no reason, but I don't understand why someone would say something like that to me, completely unprovoked.

Later this week I'm going to try making lasagna with a ground beef substitute.

P.S. When I blow my nose, I sound like the lovechild of a goose and an elephant.

Death & Dying

So what's the thing to do when you've got the flu? Oh, that's right...get up at 6:30 in the morning. I couldn't breathe, and I kept waking up every 30 minutes or so to blow my nose, and I'm pretty sure it was starting to piss off my roommate. So I've been hanging out in the common room most of the morning...talking to my mom and reading The Jungle Book. I'd really like to watch one of the 6 DVDs I got yesterday, but, ya know, it's 10 a.m. and she's still sleeping...

In theory, I should be studying for that test I need to make up.

TMI alert: I've started coughing some shit up. It's really nasty. But the good thing, according to my mother, is that this means it's all breaking up, and I should be over it soon. In the meantime, it huuuuurts. Like my chest still hurts from coughing half an hour ago. Not to mention I get light-headed everytime I blow my nose, and the skin around my nose is really red and raw from blowing it so much. Yuck.

Sick as a Dog, but Feeling Strangely Fine

And I just keep getting sicker.

But it's been a good weekend. I guess it's really been a 3-day weekend because I skipped my classes on Friday (including my test, which my professor is letting me make up later). And after work Thursday night, I ended up going over to Andrew's apartment for a drink. Last night I ended up drunk in Laura's apartment, with a fever, crying my eyes out because I ran out of tissues and my nose was hurting from blowing it on cheap toilet paper.

Today Laura & I went to Target so I could buy some more tissues, and I ended up buying 6 movies. Yes, six. And there were 4 more I had to convince myself not to buy. I got The Prestige, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Dead Poets Society, Matilda, 12 Angry Men, and Under the Tuscan Sun. The ones I almost bought were The Virgin Suicides, When Harry Met Sally, Aladdin, and Man of the Year. Because what do you do when you're sick? You watch movies...

I ate fake meat for dinner. It was actually really good... I don't think I'm going to become a vegetarian, but I think I'm going to start incorporating more substitutes into my diet. It's not really the animal cruelty that gets me, though...I mean, yes, that stuff is horrible, but I've known about it for a long time and it's never been enough to convince me to stop eating meat. But the chemicals do...they really worry me. I've got cancer on both sides of my family medical history, and pumping my body full of that stuff kind of scares me. Anyway...

Ugh

I feel awwwwwwwwwwwwful. And I haven't studied for my Corporate Strategy test yet. Oops...

I made dinner for Laura, Andrew, Ariane, and myself tonight. Parmesan-garlic breaded flounder, mac & cheese, and oven fries. And cinnamon bites for dessert. Yummmmm. It was stressful, though...I forgot that I needed to thaw the fish. I'm pretty sure I probably gave my friends food poisoning.

So I don't know if it's because I feel like crap or because it was just a really emotional episode (I hate admitting that I'm attached to fake people), but I could not stop crying during "Grey's Anatomy" tonight. It was ridiculous.

Going to work doesn't sound like so much fun tonight. I'd rather stay snuggled up in my pink blanket and go to bed early. I'm definitely skipping classes tomorrow (except for Corporate Strategy, because I have to take that test).

Alright...time for work...

Post #153

So I've decided that if I do get a tattoo, it's going to be the word "breathe" on my wrist. I've got it written there in permanent marker right now...I just wanna walk around with it for a few days. Get used to the idea of it being there forever. Right now I really like it...it looks beautiful.

Ariane and I were talking about this last night...I started this semester with the worst attitude in the world. I just knew it was going to be a bad semester. And it was pretty bad for a while. But this has been the best week of my life...I'm happy. Really, really happy. I feel free. I feel good about myself. I feel like I can do anything. It's amazing how quickly life can turn around.

I woke up with a cold this morning. I'm pretty sure it's just allergies, since we've been leaving the windows open 24/7. Hopefully it'll go away soon...I'm gonna buy some medicine when Laura & I go to Kroger this afternoon.

Tattoo

So I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. I'd like to get this tree of life design (without the border), about an inch in diameter on my left wrist. That, or the word "breathe" (to remind myself to just take life one moment at a time, and don't worry too much about the past or the future...just breathe).

Study Break

I just gave blood.

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo.

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUTSIDE!!

Mardi Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!

I'm drunk.

I like a boy.

These are things which normally do not go together.

However, God has seen fit to make sure I don't screw up a friendship, so I did not happen to see said boy while in this state of intoxication.

Um, yes. Okay. GOODNIGHT!!

Happiness Is

Another beautiful day, another beautiful mood.

Last night, Ariane & I stayed up until 2 a.m. talking. Talking about love and life and passion and beauty. I realized a lot of things last night. I realized that I'm sick of these schmucks I've been dating, who don't do anything, don't think anything, don't feel anything. I'd rather go through life alone, feeling and experiencing everything I can, than to be in a boring relationship where I'm not being challenged or stimulated.

I also realized that I need to forget about my past, especially 2006. I need to stop using that as a crutch. Yes, bad things happened to me, but if I don't get over it then I'm never going to let myself be happy. Working jobs a monkey could do isn't going to make me happy, so right now my plan for after graduation really sucks. Yes, I need money, but I'm also intelligent, creative, and hard-working. And I have a passion for helping people. So I'm not really sure what I'm going to do now, but it needs to be something important. It needs to be something meaningful.

Anyway, today has been a great day. After class, I took a walk down to Something Brewing and got some coffee. The coffee was good, but mostly I just wanted to walk and enjoy the sun and the wind and the smell of everything springing back to life. I'm really and truly happy.

An Ode to Spring

Spring is springing all over the place.
From my window I can see
Buds on bare branches and
Little grass seedlings poking their way up
Between the dead brown blades.
The sun is warm and
The breeze is cool and
The air smells so sweet.
It's my favorite time of year,
And this year it's coming early.
Like a beautiful present
I get to open all over again
Each morning.

SPRING!

Bliss

Highlights of the past 24 hours:

• I looked freaking gorgeous in my dress.
• Lots of sexual innuendo (example: when I asked a friend of mine to make me not cold anymore, he responded by saying, "Sorry, but my bed's back in Conway").
• I was told that I'm "too beautiful to be so nice" (actually, I took offense to this, but I think it was supposed to be a compliment?).
• This morning I was asked to go on an adventure, which led us to a beautiful German Catholic church in the middle of nowhere.

I've had a fantastic weekend.

A Nothing Entry

I've been burning myself a lot lately. Mostly on the oven, but then this morning with my flat-iron (which I haven't used in forever).

Tonight is formal!! We've got a room at the Holiday Inn downtown, and we're having dinner at Macaroni Grill. It's kinda funny...I wasn't even originally planning to go to formal.

Waiting, waiting, waiting...waiting for Laura to call me so we can go to Target to get her some shoes for formal. I think I might buy a couple picture frames. Ya know, because it's not like I have enough or anything (actually, I really don't).

I'm bored.

Skin

Achoo.

A few days ago I finally got around to buying John Mayer's latest album. I'm one of those people who should never buy more than one album at a time. A couple days before I bought Continuum, I bought the new Norah Jones album, Not Too Late. And it's amazing! But since buying Continuum, I've hardly listened to Not Too Late. So now it'll be one of those things that just sits in my iPod, collecting digital dust.

Cheap nail polish smells really bad. :-\

We had so much trouble working out the transportation thing for formal, we ended up just booking a hotel room at the Holiday Inn in downtown Little Rock. I think we'll all have a lot more fun this way, and it'll make the experience last a lot longer because now we're planning to head down to Little Rock in mid-afternoon and not coming back until the next morning. Needless to say, I'm really freaking excited about formal. I love my dress. I love the people I'm going with. Yeah...♥

I really need to do laundry today. And I think I'm coming down with a cold. :-\

Happy ♥ Day

Done-done. Yep.

Yeah, I quit. And by that, I mean that today is over. Okay, I have to go to work tonight, and I'm going to try to finish reading my book sometime today, but the things I hate doing are done. Saturday I ordered prints of the photos that I took of Ariane, and today I got an offer for a free 8x10 and set of 4 wallets from Snapfish. So I ordered a few more photos...an 8x10 of my mom, wallets of Max, and a couple of 5x7s of Katie photos that I love.

Must resist temptation to buy 8 million frames.

Done-ish? Are you sure that's a word?

CS case is done-ish. Skipping CA and FM today. I suck.

But it's over. The deluge of work that started with last Thursday's MBC test and wrapped around to this week is finally over. I need to finish reading If Aristotle Ran General Motors and type up an outline of my group's presentation over it, but I'm enjoying the book (of which I only have about 30 or 40 pages left to read), and the outline isn't a big deal. I don't think I have any other big things until my CS test on the 23rd. Maybe an FM test before or around then. Which means that I get to relax this week, so I should be in a good mood by the time formal rolls around on Saturday. There's nothing worse than being tired & cranky when a big event is happening.

I think I want to go home, tear everything off of my walls, and create a studio for my photography. I've already got a start. If only prints and frames were free. :-\

Blah :-\

Yesterday I burned my tongue on some soup. It still huuuurts.
Once again, I'm doing a case for Corporate Strategy the morning that it's due. I hate this class. I thought it was going to be an easy way to get my comp grade, and for the most part it is, but these cases are ridiculous.
Listening to "Home" by Jack Johnson makes me really sad. It makes me miss my mom and my dog and my life. All of that is missing when I'm here.
Boys are something I should seriously stay away from. Love is starting to make me feel like a bad person.
I've got stuff to mail today, but I don't know when I'm going to be able to do it. Mostly because I suck at getting things done.
I'm not happy. I'm sure that's obvious. I try to be happy and normal, but sometimes I'd really rather just sit in my room by myself. These days, that doesn't even get to happen too much. My only real way to escape is to get in my fort. And shut people out emotionally, since I can't seem to do it physically.
I feel like everything I've worked for has been in vain. I worked hard in school, and look where it's gotten me...at a school I hate with a major I can't stand. I work hard at my jobs, but I still make barely above minimum wage and never have any money. No car (well, no license, but I wouldn't have a car even if I did have a license), no boyfriend, very few friends. Meanwhile, my brother has skated by in life. He's half-assed everything he's ever done, and has usually been able to get other people to do his work for him. He can't even wake himself up in the morning. But he's got a nice cushy job that pays almost 13 bucks an hour (a job he skipped 4 times in less than 2 weeks...and still didn't get fired). And he's got a freaking gorgeous girlfriend. He just bought a new car, and after trying to get out of it, the car dealer improved his deal. This kid has NO CREDIT, yet he has a better interest rate on his car loan than my mom (who has excellent credit). My mom says this is all just my perception, that things aren't really as polarized as I'm making them out to be. Whatever.
I'm cranky. :-\

Brokedown Beauty

New photos on Flickr. Go check 'em out.

The Day of 1000 Packages

Okay, well, really just two packages. But they were both full of fun stuff. I got the 2 dresses I ordered, as well as my new shoes. The shoes are fantastic. Love 'em. And I love the brown dress that I got...which is good, because it was the one I wanted the most. I'm not 100% crazy about the black dress. I mean, it's an OK-looking dress, but it's a little too big and lacks a little bit of structure. Overall, however, I'm pretty happy. Especially with the brown dress. GORGEOUS.

My Cost Accounting test went pretty well this morning. And I got back my cases in Corporate Strategy, and I did okay on them (89% on the first one, 95% on the second one). Academically, it's been a good day.

Aaaaaaaagh, all I wanna do is take a nap...

Crazy Messed Up Thing

My first test of the semester is in 3 hours. I'm not really worried about it. I've read 4 out of the 5 chapters (and I'll probably skim that chapter between now & 1:15). I need to go over my notes a few times. Other than that, I'm trying not to stress out about it. I really hate studying for the first test in any class, especially if I've never had the professor before. Unless you can look at old exams, it's really like blind studying. You have no idea what to expect. So I'm just not worrying about it.

The burn on my hand from Saturday night is finally starting to heal. It still looks pretty gross, but it's getting smaller. Hopefully the scar won't be too bad.

Tomorrow I'm expecting packages galore...the two dresses I ordered from Kiyonna and the shoes I ordered from J.Crew. And formal is next weekend! I hope it warms up a bit before then. Tuesday it was soooooooo gorgeous here...it got up to 67 degrees! Beautiful. But then yesterday it decided to get cold again, and right now it's about 34 degrees outside. If it's gonna be that cold next weekend, I'm not so sure I wanna be walking around downtown Little Rock in a dress & heels.

Anyway, I'd better go take a shower and do some studying.

Big News!!

I just found out that my sister is having a baby in May!! Yayyyyyyy! I'm so happy for her. It'll be her 4th. I bet Kennedy, Kendal, & Kylee are excited to get a new little brother or sister!

edit: Um...nevermind?

Well, Hot Dog!

I just built a fort. Yeah, I know you're jealous.

Anxiously Awaiting

Spring, that is. It's been a bit warmer (and sunnier!) the past couple of days, and it's got me really looking forward to spring. Today I ordered 2 pairs of sandals...a pair of navy espadrilles and a pair of pink flip-flops. Mmm...very few things make me happier than a sunny spring day.

P.S.

This morning my mom found one of my all-time favorite photographs. It's of Mike holding me and Tracey holding Tyler, when I was maybe 3 or 4 years old. I haven't seen the photo in at least 10 years. It may seem stupid, but this photo means so much to me. Anyway, needless to say, I'm really happy.

Aftermath

Drrrrrrrunkkkkkkkkk. That's what I was last night. I was drunk from 4:30 until about midnight. I burned my hand on the oven while I was making pizza. But anyway, I had fun. Lots of people showed up. Good times were had by all.

Exhausted

Tomorrow night Laura & I are throwing a pizza party at her apartment at 6. I have like 8 million things to do between now & then, like baking 2 batches of cookies, going to the liquor store, helping Laura clean her apartment, and doing all of the prep work for the pizzas (so all we have to do is assemble & pop them in the oven when the party starts). Don't get me wrong...I'm absolutely excited about this party. But I'm also exhausted and wishing that throwing parties were effortless.

I spent a good chunk of today creating this sign to hang on Laura's door tomorrow night (the Emo's Pizza thing is sort of an inside joke):


But on the bright side of things, I bought some Dole 100% apple juice, a.k.a. heaven in a bottle. This is one of the few things that would calm my upset tummy on those mornings when I had to go to work at 4 a.m. I'd drink it during my break, and it would make me feel 1000% better.

I'm really hoping to see a certain someone at the party tomorrow night...